


Winter Heart

by destieljunkie



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Steve Rogers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Hydra (Marvel), M/M, Masturbation, Memory Loss, PTSD, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Steve, Psychological Torture, SHIELD, Stucky - Freeform, Top Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:20:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 46,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24008014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destieljunkie/pseuds/destieljunkie
Summary: A training mission goes sideways and Steve is stuck on lockdown when he gets an unexpected assignment. To bring in the Winter Soldier. Nothing at SHIELD is as it seems and Steve suspects the serum is fading just when Bucky resurfaces with no memory of his past. Hydra don't intend to let their best assassin go without a fight but Steve refuses to give up the man he loves a second time. Willing to sacrifice his shield and everything he is to convince Buck that he’s worth saving.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 146
Kudos: 395





	1. Winter In New York

**Winter In New York**

Steve Rogers can’t remember a time when a standard training mission devolved into such a monumental screw-up. Now his ass is grounded indefinitely. He feels like hammered crap. His entire body aches and it’s raining in New York. Figures. The invincible Captain America is laid up with a couple of busted ribs, some internal bleeding and a big dose of wounded pride. Pretty sure cuddled up on your couch watching re-runs of eighties sitcoms is no way to go through life. Getting his mojo back never took this long before and Steve knows it must be serious if the Harley is sitting idle in the parking lot.

But he reckons his injuries rank higher than a few cuts and bruises. The real damage feels like it’s on the inside, and not the everyday kind he suffers when combat gets brutal. This was something else. Something completely out of his control. A feeling he really didn’t care for.

Steve sprawls out on his back and prods rough fingers against his chest. Examines the scars that started to fade as soon as they got carved into him. Unable to shake the feeling his pain isn’t just skin deep. The Super Soldier program never came with an instruction manual but Steve figures there’s no way any decent serum would have a shelf-life. He just needs to know why he feels so damn tired all the time. Why his body takes longer to heal after every fight. Something is seriously wrong and there’s no one left alive that he can ask. God knows, he did his best to integrate into a different world. Now with so much time on his hands to sit and think, he’s facing the harsh reality of being a man out of time. He just doesn’t fit.

Steve hates it. Stuck on lockdown with nothing but dark thoughts for company. He knows the regeneration should kick in sooner or later and he’ll be back to his avenging self in no time, but since the last mission went sideways something got broken in him and no amount of super serum was ever enough to mend his heart. Lately it felt like there was no point to any of it. No purpose. Maybe he should hang up the shield for good. Try to find some kind of happiness. Always holding on to what might have been to ever truly let go.

The nights were the worst. Darkness, isolation. And that’s when the memories came. Same face tormenting restless dreams.

Bucky Barnes and his fucking perfect smile had always been the true object of Steve’s affections, no matter how many times he convinced himself otherwise. He missed that jerk like part of him died the day Bucky left him. Part of the Steve he used to be. Not Captain America. The little guy from Brooklyn too dumb not to run away from a fight. The sick kid Buck used to sling his arm around and make him feel like he was the only thing that mattered.

_Since Bucky left him_. Steve curses himself for even thinking it, wished he could see it any other way. Ashamed of how often those words crept in between the unbearable guilt and the anger inside him. Why he put everything into the job. Sometimes it hurt less to forget he was someone else once.

Steve checks his cell for the millionth time. Blinking aimlessly into the dark as minutes crawl by. Bored shitless, and still aching like hell. He forces his body off the couch and slopes out to the balcony for some air. Downing a couple of Percocet just to take the edge off. Might as well pop skittles every four hours for all the effect they have. Steve never really noticed the cold since he got back but now he’s shivering after only a few minutes outside and not just from the bite of chill air that settles inside him. Mostly 'cause the winter would get him to thinking about Bucky when he was alone. It was always Bucky.

Steve adored him. Even then. And he never told him. All he could do was suck it up and admire his sweetheart from a distance with a love so deep it made his chest ache. Keep it all locked away so no one ever saw the longing in his eyes. So many times he wanted to say it but the fear of being pushed away always won out. Steve knows if he had his time again, he would drag Bucky over those damn couch cushions and to hell with the consequences. Kiss him so hard it made his lips numb. But he was gone, and that chance was lost forever. Never knowing if Bucky might have felt the same. Steve dismisses it like the hopeless dream it always had been. Buck usually had a gal in one hand and a smoke in the other.

Steve sighs with regret and stares out across the skyline. Brooding over the past only makes him feel empty. The inevitable fallout of being completely in love with someone he can never have. It’s too damn cold to stay outside for long so he shakes the stiffness from his limbs and heads back inside the apartment. Making the executive decision to try and get some sleep. His cell bleeps. May as well answer it.

“Steve?”

Natasha. Of course it is. She checks on him with disturbing regularity. Pretending it’s company protocol to fuss over him like a sick puppy she rescued from a dumpster.

“Who were you expecting?”

“Don’t be a dick. I know it’s late, but I need your help. We just got intel on someone SHIELD have been after since forever. Looks like he ended up as Soviet collateral. No one seems to even know who he is, but Fury suspects he’s a product of Hydra. Minimal stats on an assassin they call the Winter Soldier. Interested?”

“Not in the slightest.” Steve fakes a yawn.

“Liar. I got my hands on a shady file from some facility in Siberia. There’s not much in here about his identity but he’s definitely one of a kind.”

His curiosity jumps up a notch and Steve even thinks he might go through it just for something to do. Making himself pause so he doesn’t sound too desperate for a distraction.

“I’ll think about it. How d'you get the files out of state, anyway?” There’s a hint of cynicism there but it still gets his attention. This probably had links to the KGB for fuck’s sake. You don’t exactly walk up to the front gate and ask for everything they got in classified.

“You know, it was the damndest thing.” Nat says thoughtfully. “Fury said it just landed on his desk. He needs someone to go through it. See if we can find this guy and bring him in.”

“And none of that strikes you as even a little bit suspicious?” Steve asks. “More to the point, why you telling me?”

Natasha hesitates just long enough to imply he’s not going to like what’s coming next.

“I told him you’d do it.”

“Nat.” Steve groans.

“It’s not like you’ve got anything else to do.” Nat always has to go one better, right on cue. She can never make a call without baiting him. “Besides. You’re not telling me you’d pass up the chance to get your hands on him.” Steve doesn’t bite. Maybe even flushes a bit. “You never know, Steve. Maybe it’s fate.”

Steve hadn’t believed in that romantic bullshit since he watched his best friend fall into a ravine, but he had to give her points for trying.

“Or maybe you’re too busy to care so you’re downloading all the extra paperwork on the easy pickings.”

“That too.” Nat says softly. He can almost hear her smile. “Listen. I know you’re bored out of your mind, Steve, and this is kind of interesting.”

“Some phantom assassin is kind of interesting? You that set on convincing me?”

“Sure am. Is it working?”

“Maybe.” It might actually do him some good to get back in the game. Numb the endless boredom.

“Knew you couldn’t resist.” Nat sounds far too satisfied for her own good. “Thought you might want to go through the file. SHIELD wants to get a handle on the Soldier before he does another hit. You’ve been around long enough to get him.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I can’t think of anyone better to understand the man he used to be.” Steve stills when sadness suddenly twists in his stomach. If what he’s been told about Hydra is true, he can only imagine the torment that man must have endured. “Just have a look, is all I’m asking. Let me know if you get a lead.” The urgency in her voice suddenly snaps him back to the present.

“Why do I get the feeling you’ll hunt me down if I don’t?”

“'Cause I’m an awesome friend. Sending you a digital copy now.”

Steve gives up and hums a confirmation. Nat has no intention of letting him die in peace.

“Don’t push it. I’m supposed to be taking it easy.”

“Like that was ever going to happen. Now go check your damn mail already and stop moping about feeling sorry for yourself.”

“Okay.” Steve tuts. Natasha goes quiet for a second and Steve can’t think of anything to fill the silence.

“You really shouldn’t doubt yourself so much.” Nat is going for supportive, but she’s no psych major. “You’re the only one who can make yourself feel strong enough to get your shit together.”

“Yeah.” Steve sighs. “Not really how it works.”

Nat knows how low he’s been lately. Suspects there’s a lot more to it than a handful of mangled ribs.

“Steve. If you need someone to talk to, you know where I am.”

“I know. Thanks.” Steve ends the call before it just gets awkward and drops his cell on the counter. He drags out the laptop. By the time it’s loaded up there’s already a new mail alert that demands attention. Nat must have scanned in some notes held together in a decaying manilla file. Steve can make out a map of an abandoned facility, some shit in Russian and a grainy image frozen in time. Literally. Steve always thought cryogenic stasis was like an urban myth. He still has no real idea what that means, but Sam says it all the time so it must be a thing.

There’s a copy of the official documents with Отдел X Зимний Солдат splashed across the front cover. Not that he can read it, but Steve hazards a lucky guess at _Winter Soldier_ and decides right there to make it his mission to put it all together.

Steve scrolls back to study the photograph in more detail. The sharp contours of the ethereal face look unnervingly familiar but he just can’t place it and the damn thing looks like it’s a hundred years old. The folder has so little information about the man behind the mask, Steve has no idea where to start. He has almost nothing to go on and there’s no personal data. Not anymore. Seems like most of it is blanked out.

Steve checks the dates again. It's impossible, but his mysterious assignment might even have been a prisoner of war. He supposes Hydra could have kept him alive for years if he really got stashed in a cryo chamber. There’s a sketchy reference to a Soviet general called Karpov and some corrupted version of the serum. He suddenly jumps back a page, not sure how he missed it the first time but the Soldier has a cybernetic arm. Now his interest is piqued way beyond the superficial disguise of dutiful professionalism. Steve has an inexplicable desire to help him. If his codename is a shout out to decades of being kept on ice, Steve sincerely doubts the Soldier would see the irony in that. He rubs at his temples to shift the mother of a headache that’s building. Struggling to understand how anyone with a shred of conscience could torture another human being like that. There’s no information about what happened to explain the strange gaps in his spree of wetworks. Apart from one. The Soldier apparently went missing for days once after wiping out a target. According to the files, this living weapon is fast, strong and ruthless but Steve suspects there’s still some remnant of humanity buried deep inside him.

The Captain America in him wonders how he would fare pitted against him one to one, but Steve’s way beyond tired and depressed to care at two in the morning. He shuts the laptop and crawls into bed. The last image playing behind his eyes before sleep claims him is the hauntingly beautiful face of the Winter Soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Отдел X : Otdel Kh : Department X  
> Зимний Солдат : Zimniy Soldat : Winter Soldier


	2. Nothing But A Soldier

**Nothing But A Soldier**

Steve wakes up harder than he’s been since he hit puberty. He can’t remember what he was dreaming about but he’s willing to bet America’s sweet ass it had something to do with the Soldier’s picture. He just can’t get it out of his head. Solid cheekbones, the rigid cut of his jaw. If Steve didn’t know any better it reminds him of - he can’t even say that name in his head. Refuses to give his damaged psyche the satisfaction of making everything about James Barnes. Steve knows he should have moved on long ago, tried to forgive himself. He was so damn close to saving him, that almost makes it worse somehow. If he’d just got to him sooner. Reached harder. The last thing he remembers every time he shuts his eyes are desperate fingertips stretching out to take his hand. Steve inhales at the memory and panics. His chest is tight, his pulse erratic. Steve already knows something is off with the healing but this is new. He hasn’t had to deal with anything like it since '41.

Steve tries to get his breathing under control. He has no clue what the hell is going on with the serum but the pulsing ache between his legs suggests some parts of him still work just fine. That picture of the Soldier makes him think about Buck again. Decades of stupid conditioning mean he doesn’t really do this often but fighting the desire to reach down is exhausting. It only takes that single memory to give in to the temptation and attempt an amateur stab at jerking off.

Even with his eyes closed, he can see hazy memories of Bucky. Those long summer days spent together when the sunlight would cast reflections on the curves of his shoulders, blue eyes shining when he smiled. Steve shifts to a better position and hesitantly reaches down between his thighs to wrap one hand around his dick. It’s rigid, hot and already pearling at the tip. He knows it’s not going down any time soon and he has to do something with it just to relieve the ache. His damn body is so jacked up he has to work through the pain to give in to the pleasure and dares a couple of light strokes while he pictures Buck in his mind. Smearing drops of arousal down the length and twisting his hand when he reaches the base. Steve gets a decent rhythm going when an erotic image of metal fingertips playing up and down his dick suddenly swamps his mind without warning and his eyes snap open. Now it just feels weird and he bites back a muffled groan. Tries to focus on Bucky bent over in his army uniform. It seems to work, so Steve picks up the pace again. Thinking about the shape of Buck’s lips in his head. How pretty that pink mouth would look wrapped around him. He senses the warning of a rising tingle start to well up inside him so Steve jerks his hips into his fist to finish off. Stifling the moan that rips out of him when he comes with Buck’s name on his lips. Steve breathes deep and lets the throb subside before wiping down his thighs and the mess puddled on his stomach. He’s already wrecked and getting zapped by aftershocks so he tries to steady his heartbeat before he can even face going back to stalk the Winter Soldier. He leaves Nat a voicemail and immerses himself in research while he waits for her to pick it up. Steve reopens the file. Making a point of skipping over the picture.

Seems like the men responsible for the program were a biochemist name of Armin Zola and a crew of Nazi bastards who got their hands on a test subject no one saw as anything but a specimen in a lab. Steve theorizes Zola must have given his messed up version of the serum to the Soldier while he was imprisoned at the weapons facility in Austria. So he was Hydra. Steve’s not sure why that bothers him as much as it does. It makes him sick to know that’s all he is to them. Nothing but a solider.

It’s hours later when he gets the call back. Steve answers it without even taking his eyes off the laptop.

“Hi, Steve. How d'you get on?”

“With what?” He goes for vague. Not wanting her to know he’s already deeply invested in this guy.

“Save it, Rogers.” Nat laughs. “I know you probably spent hours going through his file. Any of it stimulate your interest?”

Steve’s glad Natasha can’t see the flush on his cheeks. Not likely she would pick that choice of words if she knew what he had in his hand at 6am this morning.

“I might have scanned through it.” Steve says. Pleased with himself at the masterful deflection. “You got anything on why Hydra picked him?”

“Not really. There wasn’t much in the file, honestly. Maybe he had something they wanted.” Nat’s just spitballing but Steve thinks she might be on to something.

“I guess if he was a POW, he might have some weapons training. Be good at taking orders.”

Nat hums in agreement.

“Possibility. But I can’t think of any Soviet program that doesn’t have a back-up and trust me, I’m speaking from experience.” Steve values her opinion when it comes to Red Room strategy. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they tried to make more of them.”

Steve just murmurs his agreement, and dammit - he can’t stop himself from loading up the picture again.

“Seems like a long shot.” Steve says slowly. Tracing a fingertip over the screen without even realizing he’s doing it. “You said he was one of a kind.”

“I still believe that.” Nat adds. “We just don’t know anything about him. Dresses in black, always wears a mask or smudges out his eyes with greasepaint. That picture I sent you is the only one I’ve ever seen.”

“Someone must know who he is. Can’t you check reports of people who went missing?”

“Since the war? C'mon, Steve. No one can dig that up.” Nat suddenly pauses. “And you shouldn’t either.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Steve gets all defensive 'cause he can relate. He doesn’t always know how to express his emotions. He joined The Avengers because it felt like a way to belong. To piece a life back together. But he’s never felt more isolated and alone.

Like the Soldier.

No one else understands what it was like back then. Men went to war because that’s what they were supposed to do for their country. The Soldier probably dreamed of coming back to start a life one day. But he never did.

Like Buck.

Steve’s mad with himself that he can’t stop making that connection in his head.

"It doesn't mean anything, Steve. But how are they controlling him?"

“They must have some way of keeping him compliant. Wouldn’t exactly be a dambuster move to use a trained assassin with a conscience.”

“I guess. Listen, Sam’s gonna bring me over to check up on you. We can talk then.”

“I don’t need checking - ” The line’s already dead. “ – up on.”

Natasha watches out for Steve, and he knows she cares about him, but Sam gets it. He hasn’t told him a whole lot about Buck, and Sam never asks questions Steve doesn’t have the heart to answer.

They spend an hour going over the files together in silence before Sam breaks it with an absent thought.

“So, what made you agree to take this on? Thought you were on leave.”

“Just seems like the right thing to do.” Steve says quietly. “Save as many people as I can.”

“After you lost your friend?” Sam hints. Motivation like that usually stems from a broken heart.

“Yeah. I’ve been trying to make up for it ever since.” Steve thinks of the Winter Soldier again. Maybe this is one man he can save. “Like I owed it to him.”

“What, your life?” Sam asks. Stunned when Steve actually nods, his head dropped low. “Do you honestly believe he would have wanted that for you?”

Steve doesn’t even have to think about it.

“God, no. But this is just something I gotta do. The Soldier’s a connection to the past, Sam.” It’s the only one he’s ever had and Steve reaches for it. “It could have been anyone. This guy didn’t have a choice, he was captured. Tortured. All I could think about when I read the file is he’s as much a victim as all the rest.”

Sam sees that perspective as bordering on dangerous.

“Steve. You got the purest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. But don’t mistake compassion for denial.”

“Did you at least get a name?” Natasha decides to cut in and relieve the growing tension.

“No.” Steve says seriously, completely missing the point. “I think it got deleted on purpose. Someone went to a lot of trouble to erase his identity. I wonder why.”

Sam sounds thoughtful when he answers for both of them.

“I suppose history means connections, memories. Love.”

“The men who created him would want all that gone.” Nat agrees. “Love compromises your ability to be the best.”

Steve gets the feeling that was mostly aimed at him. Most of the group know Steve lost someone he loved. Never really got over it. But he won’t talk about him.

“I agreed to bring him in and I’m on it, Nat. But you need to give me some time to figure all this out.”

Natasha frowns at him like he must have been in a coma last time they had a conversation.

“Steve. You’re in no condition to go after him yourself.” He wasn’t expecting to be shot down so soon, but Steve can’t find it in him to argue. His chest is trashed and he’s been shaky for days. “That’s not what this is about. You’re supposed to be helping to find him, that’s all. No heroics. Not 'til you’re better.”

“But it’s my mission. I want to do it.”

“I didn’t hand you that file to obsess over, Steve.” Nat’s acidic tongue is just badly disguised concern. She can see the warning signs behind the mask of indifference.

“What if someone else gets him first? There’s an innocent man trapped in there somewhere.” Steve knows he keeps defending this guy without ever really meaning to. “Why am I the only one who can see it?”

“Innocent?” It’s disbelief, and Steve can’t really blame her. The Soldier’s gone out of his way to rack up a serious body count. “That’s what you’re calling it?” Nat inhales a breath. “Trust me, no position to judge, but I’ll tell you what I see.” She hates to even think it, but Steve is getting too involved and the Soldier is still only an image in a dusty file. The assignment was supposed to be a distraction to stop him from sinking but it might have prodded at something that would have been better left alone. “You don’t get how dangerous he is 'cause you’re trying to fill the void of some dead boyfriend.” Nat can almost hear Sam cringe when Steve’s dewy gaze drifts past her. He couldn’t look more wounded if she punched him. “Fuck, sorry.” Natasha screws up her nose. It wasn’t meant to sound so brutal. “That wasn’t fair.”

Steve sighs, and it’s resignation.

“No, you’re right. Maybe I am doing it for the wrong reasons, and for the record, Bucky was never my - ” Steve’s so choked up to hear that name pass his lips he can’t even finish the sentence. He hasn’t said it for so long.

“Oh.” Nat blinks in surprise. “It's just – the way you look when you talk about him sometimes.”

Steve doesn’t share, but it only makes him feel worse inside that he can't talk about it.

“No. He was my friend.” Steve hesitates. He suddenly decides it might be cathartic to at least be honest about it. “I wanted that more than anything but it was the forties. You didn’t talk about it. I got beat up enough as it was.” Steve shrugs, even manages a small smile at the memory of all the times Buck saved him from getting his ass kicked. “It doesn’t matter. Not anymore.” He hates lying to her. It always mattered.

“I am sorry, Steve. I didn’t mean that the way it came out. But why are you so interested in the Soldier?”

“I don’t know.” He says honestly. Steve can’t explain the depth of that connection, but it’s consuming and terrifying all at once. “I think part of it is what I signed up for. I took the serum 'cause I always wanted to do what was right.” It scares him that all he feels for the Soldier is sympathy. “For SHIELD, for my country. I’m not sure what that is anymore.”

Steve needs to help bring him in, but he doesn’t know if he’ll want to hand him over when he does.

“You okay?”

“No.” Steve exhales, like he’s trying to push out all the heartache from his chest. “Not really.”

“I know it still hurts.”

She’s only trying to help, but Steve is done talking about it. Buck is his memory. One he doesn’t want to share with anyone else.

“I’m dealing with it.”

“Are you?” Steve just stares at her through the horrible silence that descends when Natasha rests a hand on his arm. “Steve. Don’t make this about him.”

Everyone suddenly seems determined to handle him like he’s broken.

“You pushed this on me and now you want me to stop?” Steve replies sharply. “I’m not. But don’t try to make it about me, either.”

Steve’s left alone again and manages to fill a few empty hours. Contemplating if there are actually any merits to another night spent moping about the apartment in slouch pants and bingeing on lattes. He sees Nat must have left him another mail when he was in the shower. Steve ignores it for a few on principle after what she said earlier but something makes him want to open it. He puts it on speaker and leaves his cell on the counter while he finishes his drink.

“We got him.” Her voice is breathless, and Steve drops the cup and struggles to pull on his jacket before the words are even out. Not sure how he’s supposed to feel about it. To see him without the mask. Steve thinks his heart might actually burst but it’s not fear. “We got the Winter Soldier.”


	3. Redemption

**Redemption**

Steve races to the basement and starts up the Harley just 'cause he needs something that can really haul ass but he takes the corners way too fast and skips every red light. By the time Steve gets to headquarters he’s in a lot of pain but even that doesn’t outstrip how pissed he is that the Soldier got brought in without anyone consulting him at all. This was supposed to be his mission. 

Since the serum backfired, Steve’s in danger of tail-spinning. Confidence in his own abilities bordering on non-existent. It’s been rough for him lately and all that revelation does is confirm that his presence there is just a waste of office space. Nervous anticipation is churning his stomach but he’s so hacked off with being an afterthought, it makes him surly when Natasha meets him at the entrance.

“What the hell, Nat?”

“See you got my message, then.” Natasha says bluntly. “And you’re welcome.”

“Sorry.” Steve runs trembling fingers through his hair. “But you gave that file to me. I thought the Soldier was supposed to be my responsibility.”

“No, Steve, you don’t understand.” Nat continues slowly. There’s no one else in the lobby but looking over her shoulder has become a habit. “He came to us.”

Steve feels like his chest is about to implode and he can’t breathe. Nat props him up on a wall and goes to fetch some water.

“What are you saying?” Steve prods her for information when Nat returns with a bottle. “He turned himself in?”

“No. Not exactly. I’ll fill you in after debrief.” She suddenly stops to check his head for a temperature. “You alright?”

“Fine.” Steve bites at his lip and shoves her hand away. He’s pretty fucking far from alright and little beads of sweat are pooling on his skin. “But this all felt off from the jump. It’s no coincidence Fury gets that file and then the Soldier just falls into our hands.”

Nat shrugs like she knows something he doesn’t. It’s nauseating and his head is already swimming. Steve thinks he might actually hurl if he doesn’t sit down soon.

“Just take it, Steve. You wanted him. Now you’ve got him.”

“But not like this.” Steve argues. Suspicion picking at his insides in a way he can’t explain. “Something’s not right.”

Nat makes a grab for his arm and drags him towards the holding bay in a death grip.

“Sorry, but your irrational paranoia will have to wait.” She yanks hard at Steve when information filters through the com device sitting in her ear. “They’re bringing him in now. Come on.”

Steve gets pulled along behind her but there’s so much he wants to know.

“What happened? Do they still have control over him?”

Steve doesn’t want to imagine the mess the Soldier might leave behind if someone pisses him off.

“I don’t know yet.” Nat's as much in the dark as everyone else. “Hydra must have put a trigger inside him, but it could be anything. Might be a phrase or even just a single word.”

“Maybe it’s Sputnik." Steve’s tempted to try it just to see if it gets a reaction.

Nat squints at him.

“Hilarious. How many pain meds did you take?”

A spear of agony suddenly shoots down his back and bends him double.

“Not enough.”

Nat’s about to throw him another snarky comment when they see the compartment door slide open and Steve freezes.

It’s him. The Winter Soldier.

There’s a rush of heat prickling under his skin. This man is real, and touchable, and Steve can sense a flutter of something he hasn’t felt in a long time just from a single glimpse of the man he’s been dreaming about. The Soldier moves past them on his way to the holding cell. His head is dipped low and most of his face is covered, but it’s not by the mask and Steve pretends the throb inside him isn’t arousal. A black bandana is hitched up over his mouth and the tip of his nose.

Steve’s desperate to get a closer look but there’s not much on display save for eyes that are mostly hidden by a mess of chestnut hair. Tips of it curling up on his shoulders. Steve can’t figure out how anyone could bring in a man with such a fearsome reputation. He's letting himself be led like a sacrificial lamb to the slaughter and that alone makes Steve think there must be more to it. A sudden realization hits him hard. 

_Because he let you_. 

Whatever his motivation, the Soldier wanted to be caught. He could snap out of those cuffs in a heartbeat.

“Most people thought he was just a myth, a ghost story.” Nat is still by his side but he hardly notices her. Steve’s expression is completely blank despite his brain spiralling into overdrive. He sees something so fragile in him, Steve finds it hard to believe this man is an international terrorist who pulled off a string of political assassinations. “He doesn’t speak. Just stares.” She adds quietly. “Like he’s in automatic shutdown.” Her tone soon drops to concern when she turns back to Steve. “Shit. What’s the matter? You look terrible.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m serious. Don’t let him get under your skin.”

“How?” Steve lashes out and hates himself for it. “He’s not making any decisions for himself here.”

“Maybe that’s what he wants you to think.”

“Stop it.” Steve can feel his chest heave again. “Just stop.”

He’s close to a meltdown and Nat stays silent. She’s never seen him like this.

Steve ignores her completely and leans against the door. He’s pressed up so close to the glass, his breath mists the surface. Even with most of his face covered, the picture Steve’s been drooling over doesn’t do him justice. If he can avoid the compulsion to stare and manages to push his tongue back in, he’ll be fine.

He readies himself to go inside but then it all goes to shit when smoky eyes flick up and Steve’s heart stutters a beat. Maybe actually stops for a second because they’re Bucky’s eyes - and they’re not. These are dull and lifeless. Steel gray and hard when they bore through empty space with no emotion behind them.

Steve wants to say something so bad, but his jaw doesn’t want to work and his mouth is dangling like he’s a fifteen-year-old kid with a crush.

Those eyes finally slide up to meet his and Steve knows he’s fucked.

His heart would be helplessly bewitched by them alone, but it’s more than that. The Soldier is his only link to the past and reminds him so much of Buck, Steve’s captivated by him. He just gapes like an idiot and then bolts into the corridor. Pinning his back against the wall and gasping in as much air as anyone can with only one set of lungs. He’s on the verge of hyperventilating and Natasha is still there, watching him.

“You’re not alright, Steve.” She nudges him aside to try and get a better look at the Soldier. “That boy is really starting to get to you, isn’t he?”

Steve can’t think of anything to say. No one could possibly know how deep that attachment feels but it screws with him anyway.

“Somethin' like that.”

Steve suddenly feels mindless tears sting at his eyes, and not from the asthma he forgot he had. His memories of Buck are in danger of being completely massacred and Steve blinks them free.

The Soldier’s gaze darts away in confusion like he’s trying to remember something long forgotten. Steve can almost see the pain and loneliness reflected in those eyes that are familiar in a way that’s nothing less than tragic. Steve pulls something from his pocket and flips it open. Not sure why he tortures himself with the constant reminder, but it’s all he has left other than some inadequate legacy immortalized at the museum.

Steve’s desperately trying to put two and two together and not making four. The resemblance is uncanny but Buck’s dead. That much he knows for sure. Natasha's called Sam down for back-up but Steve doesn’t even notice until he slides beside him. The compass with Buck’s picture is resting open in Steve’s hand.

“That him?” Sam gestures at the fading photograph wedged inside the lid. Steve doesn’t answer and shuts it with a snap before thrusting it back into his pocket. Sam takes that as a confirmation but he doesn’t push Steve for anything more. He can see how wrecked he looks.

When Sam manages to get them access clearance, Steve knows he’s staring but can’t seem to drag his gaze away from the metallic glint of his arm. The intricacies of it fascinate him. Red star emblazoned at the shoulder only serving as more evidence to explain how the poor bastard ended up like this. Steve has an inexplicable desire to touch it.

His conscience is swamped with sympathy at the sight of him hunched in on himself. He might have gained the infamy of being a lethal weapon but Steve thinks he just seems - lost. The Soldier sits unmoving like he knows someone is still there but he doesn’t look up again.

Steve longs to see him clearly but the bandana is still intact, cheeks tinted with black remnants of the last time he tried to smear out his eyes. Steve ends up saying something stupid just to vent his frustration.

“That damn thing surgically attached?”

Sam gives him a dry smile.

“No one's tried to get close enough to take it off. Sure you still want him?” Steve is thrown for a second until he realizes what Sam means. The Soldier is just another assignment but Sam has no idea how much Steve wants him. He draws in a shaky breath. "I wonder what happens to someone to make anger become so much rage.”

“Nothing good.” Steve sighs.

Whatever Sam was going to say next gets aborted when a team of medics arrive to take his vitals before the Soldier gets transferred.

“Watch his arm.” Sam warns, as one of them tries to guide him to the examination slab. He’s already been briefed about the enhanced strength and insane reaction time. Steve’s gaze absently drops to the Soldier’s right arm where it’s hanging limp by his side.

"The cybernetic one, you dope.” Sam’s not sure why there’s a need to specify but Steve is not himself.

The Soldier is given a double shot of Methohexital to keep him calm like it’s standard procedure. There’s no reaction when the needle pierces his skin and he stretches out on his back with zero resistance. Steve pushes away a stray thought he almost says aloud. Probably wasn’t the first time he got strapped to a table.

Steve is on edge and waiting for him to unleash a psychotic rampage but the Soldier is impossibly still and Steve can’t remember the last time he took a breath. He daren’t look into those eyes again yet but Steve can almost feel them on him while the Soldier sizes him up as if he’s a target. Studying him in watchful silence like he’s assessing the depth behind America's blue eyes. The long black lashes no straight man would possess. The Soldier takes it all in and commits that face to memory with mechanical precision. Compartmentalizing it in his insentient brain like everything else.

He’s heavily sedated by the time Fury arrives.

“I need to speak to him. Alone.” Steve demands impulsively.

“Alright.” Fury eyes him with a bit too much suspicion. “I’m moving him down to maximum security.”

“Why?” Steve has just about had it with people shafting his emotions.

“We have to determine his threat level, Steve. It’s not like he’s going anywhere.” Steve knows he's just supposed to salute and wait for the call but the desire to see the Soldier again is so intense, he almost loses it.

“You’re the one who asked someone to go through the damn file, so tell me what you intend to do with him.”

“He needs to be in solitary.” Fury says with authority. Surprised by so much sudden passion for a job Rogers hasn’t given a shit about in months. It doesn’t take him long to guess the motivation. “Don’t let those roguish good looks fool you, Cap.” The smile quickly dies on his lips. Steve’s not laughing. “He’s a killer.”

“He’s also a man who was prepared to give his life for his country.” Steve is past pretending that the Soldier is just another casualty of war. “If that means nothing to you then what the hell are we even trying to do here?” Steve knows he sounds like a sap, but he never felt that conviction more profoundly than when he looked in the Soldier’s eyes. “I won’t give up on him.” Steve whispers. “I won’t.”

Fury is silent long enough to understand there’s much more to it than a bleeding heart.

“What is this really about? And don’t bullshit me.” Knowing the director as he does, that’s as much honest sympathy as he’s going to get. After so many years of guilt over Bucky, Steve is determined to put it right. Maybe the Soldier is the one man he can save.

“Redemption.”


	4. Love By Any Other Name

**Love By Any Other Name**

It’s hard to imagine how anyone with such a gentle heart thinks he has anything to atone for but Fury hasn’t seen Steve so animated in a long time and anyone can see how much he needs this. Needs to feel valued again.

“I’m probably going to regret it.” Fury hesitates for a second. “Alright. He’s all yours for now.” Steve is granted full responsibility for the Winter Soldier. “But actions have consequences and it’s a hundred per cent on you if it all goes south.” Steve just nods. Willing to agree to anything if it gets him unlimited access to the Soldier. “I’m not gonna be responsible for you trying to rehabilitate a psychopath just 'cause you see something in him no one else does.”

That’s not really what it’s about but Steve doesn’t argue. Pretty sure that psychopath had him the minute he looked in his eyes.

“Thank you, Sir.” It’s all that Steve can manage to squeeze out past the tightness in his throat.

“Back here in ten for debrief. Steve? Do us all a favour and get your shit together by then.” Steve is doing his best to stay calm, but so much unrelenting skepticism is exhausting. Nat is waiting for him in the corridor.

“Thought he was gonna tear you a new one.” Even Natasha is surprised the director caved so quickly. Might be that Fury is happy to dump such a massive liability on someone else, but she doesn’t mention it. “Putting demands on high security risks? He must think your balls are made of gold.”

Steve frowns. Not an expression he really understands.

“Or maybe he thinks there might be more to the Soldier than a mindless gunman.”

Nat keeps that fraying thread of doubt to herself. Steve is happier than he’s been in weeks and the last thing she wants is to piss all over it.

“If you think you can get something out of him, Steve, knock yourself out. Unless you’ve got another agenda.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Steve is straight on the defensive like he always is when someone reads him a little too well.

“He reminds you of someone. I can see it in your eyes when you look at him.”

“Nat - ” Steve warns. “Don’t.”

“It’s him, isn’t it? The friend you lost.” Natasha sighs. "That Bucky.”

To hear his name in the same context as the Soldier makes the connection more real somehow. Steve can’t stop himself from spilling everything he’s been holding in.

“You know, when everyone was signing up to enlist I told Buck I had no right to do any less. I didn’t think he understood back then, but maybe he did.” Steve replies. “This is my chance to try and pull some good out of everything I lost. Everything he lost. He would have done the same for me.” A fond smile touches his mouth at the bittersweet memory. “And I would have done anything for him.” Even walking to Austria just to make sure he was safe when Bucky’s unit was captured in '43. Steve doesn’t need to say it, but only Buck ever really got him. “He was all I had.” Steve exhales a rush of air. “And it makes me sad that all he is to anyone who wasn’t lucky enough to know him is a fallen comrade.”

Bucky was everything to him and all he got was a single pennant at the museum. Natasha had no idea how deep those feelings ran. No wonder he never moved on.

“None of that was your fault, Steve.”

“I still blame myself.” Steve inhales like it’s his last breath. “And nothing you can say will ever make that alright.”

Natasha leans in and slips her arm through his.

“Maybe he thought you were worth it.”

That hits him hard and the words are still spiralling in his head when they get to debrief. Everyone is watching Steve like his sanity is resting on a hair-trigger. He knows the meeting isn’t optional but Steve can’t wait to get out of there. It feels like there’s an itch under his skin. Every instinct screaming for him to get back to the Soldier.

Steve soon finds out what Natasha was going to fill him in on. SHIELD managed to pull the Soldier in from an anonymous tip-off. The fact that anyone knew where a covert assassin was going to be is a red flag if Steve ever saw one but no one else seems to care enough to question it.

“There’s some notes here on this new fist of Hydra.” Fury rambles on in monotone but Steve isn’t really listening anymore. “And some mention of a red book, but it wasn’t with the file. What do you think was in it?”

Steve suddenly realizes everyone is staring at him again like he somehow has all the answers. He improvs a response.

“Codes maybe.” Steve attempts weakly. “Some info on who he really is.”

Steve is already fidgeting to ditch when Fury wraps it up.

“We gotta do something with him. He’s a mess. Those human rights fuckers are gonna be crawling up my ass if we don’t.”

All Steve can think about is how the man buried inside the Soldier must be slowly falling apart and no one cares enough to try and put him back together. Almost no one.

“At least give him the dignity to make his own choices.” It’s not like Steve to run his mouth and it’s not out of pity. Whatever their connection is, he feels it to the very depths of his soul.

“He doesn’t do much of anything unless he’s given permission.” Fury says patiently. “He spent so long in cryo I'm not sure there's anything left in there to save. But someone still needs to clean him up.”

Some of the agents are too scared to get close but most don’t give enough of a shit about the Soldier to want to interact with him at all. Steve can’t think of anything he wants more.

“I’ll do it.” He says on impulse. Heat flushes his cheeks when everyone turns to look at him for the hundredth time that day. “I want to do it.” Now it just sounds creepy so he goes for disinterest. “I’ve read the file, probably understand his past better than anyone. I can figure out the code words with a bit of digging. It’s fine.” His pulse is thudding so hard, Steve’s amazed no one else can hear it.

“You’re sure?” Fury asks doubtfully.

\- and no he’s not, actually. But Steve can only imagine what it must be like to be helplessly trapped inside your own mind.

Nat corners his feelings on the way to the isolation unit.

“What do you see in him? Really?”

Steve gives her the moment.

“That there must be something good inside him. He needs help, Nat. He has no one.” Steve had no one except Buck and the reminder is enough to want to settle a karmic debt. “There’s nothing wrong with showing compassion. Devoting myself to a cause. Even if everyone else thinks he’s a hopeless one.”

“Love is still love.” Nat says philosophically. “It doesn’t matter what you call it.” The quality of something is not determined by its name. She stops him before he goes in. “I know why you’re doing this, Steve. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I’m already hurt.” Steve says it before his mouth shifts into gear. Finally admitting to the Buck-shaped hole inside him that no one else could ever fill. “I don’t expect anyone to understand, but I need to do this.” There’s a childlike sincerity in his eyes. “Please. Let me do this.”

Nat gives up on fighting a battle she’s never going to win.

“I still don’t get why you have so much faith in a ruthless killer you don’t even know, but I’m with you, Steve. Just don’t expect a lot from him. Sometimes too much damage has been done to ever get back to a good place.” Steve wonders absently if Nat is talking about him or the Soldier.

Steve thinks he might actually pass out if his heart keeps pumping like a jackhammer. Not very hopeful he can get the Soldier to open up to him just like that. Steve presumes he was probably American army once but he hasn’t said a word since he was brought in and no one expects that to change any time soon.

The Soldier shifts in the restraints but his eyes are still fixed on the floor. Steve can see he’s bound at the wrists and ankles. He sits down opposite. Feeling like he has to try and psychoanalyse him with nothing more to go on than the emptiness in those blue eyes that pull at his heart. They’re still Bucky’s eyes in his head and twisted as it is, he sees the chance to say all the things he needed to tell him when he was alive. Steve never got over losing Bucky. Never realized how much he cared until it was too late.

It was love - and not the Brooklyn slap on the back kind that Buck always dished out that made Steve feel alive. His love for James Barnes is all consuming. Romantic and deep.

Steve tries to catch his gaze every time the Soldier moves but it’s like looking at an emptied out shell. Longing to know the man who is still in there somewhere. Buried under years of abuse and layers of Hydra bullshit.

Steve’s still not sure why he’s so invested in trying to help him. Maybe it is just to ease his own guilt. Steve knows he should have looked for Bucky. Made sure he was really gone. His smushed and battered heart left believing it was always going to be too late for them after decades in the ice.

He dares to lean in closer when the Soldier dips his head. The way his hair drops over eyes still heavy with sedation is just about the sexiest damn thing Steve’s ever seen.  


Steve hesitantly reaches up to slide the bandana free so he can start to clean him up. Needing to know if the Soldier still has Bucky’s eyes when they’re not rimmed with black. His fingertips are trembling when they graze the Soldier’s cheek and he flinches from the touch but he doesn’t pull away. Steve supposes a caress against his skin must feel strange when he hasn’t been touched for so long. Almost like he needs it but he doesn’t want to want it. Maybe it’s a fear of showing weakness.

Steve suddenly hears the subtle shifting of metal plates. There’s no pain but the grip is tight enough to let Steve know it for what it is. A warning. He drops his arm. Surprised that silver fingers are still circled around his wrist. The Soldier just shakes his head and Steve thinks better of pushing his luck.

“I’m not leaving 'til you give me something.” He refuses to give up on him even when there’s no response. “I can do this all day.” Steve tries a different approach and ventures a bit of reverse psychology. “I know what it’s like to feel lost.” The Soldier says nothing but the metal fingers slowly curl in on themselves. Steve optimistically decides to chalk it up as progress. Suspecting he must have said something that registers when a hint of blue filters out from his eyes. Steve decides to start talking about Buck just for something to say but once he gets going the release is almost purifying. Pouring out how much that loss hurt with someone who just listens. Doesn’t judge.

Who's he gonna tell, anyway?

“I never felt so alone when Buck told me he got orders to ship out. My heart broke that day 'cause I knew I couldn’t tell him how I felt. Like he was leaving me behind. I knew him my whole life and spent months wondering if I would ever see him again.” Steve blinks hard just to try and stop the tears from falling. “I didn’t care about anything after he died. Think I always had a death wish since - ”

Steve stops mid-sentence in alarm because the Soldier is just staring up at him. Studying every line and curve of his face with so much intensity, Steve can feel heat slink up his neck. Sexual attraction to anyone other than Buck is something Steve doesn’t expect and it takes his breath away. Muffled words suddenly spill out from beneath the makeshift mask.

“Мне жаль.” His voice is rough and gravelly and goes straight to Steve’s dick like an Exocet missile. Speaking in Russian is Soldier default mode but it’s clear from the vacant expression, Steve doesn’t understand. “I’m sorry.”

Steve hears himself swallow around the lump wedged in his throat. Sympathy is more than he was ready for and close enough to emotion to give him some hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Мне жаль : Mne zhal' : I’m sorry


	5. The Light Behind Your Eyes

**The Light Behind Your Eyes**

Steve hates to leave the Soldier but it’s late and they both need sleep. He unlocks one of the restraints. Leaving the cybernetic arm pinned down in case he decides to try something stupid. Steve can’t face going back to an empty apartment so he curls up on a bench outside, jacket draped over his shoulders. But he doesn’t rest. Steve lays awake for hours and all he can hear is the Soldier screaming in the night. Drowning in the psychological damage his mind can’t erase. Even in sleep.

Steve can’t go to him without wanting to pull him close and hold him through the nightmares so he stays put. Then it goes almost too quiet and he peers into the bay. At first Steve thinks he must be seeing things. His mind playing tricks on him in the dark. But any doubt leaves him when his eyes slowly adjust to the light.

The Soldier is touching himself and Steve is transfixed. Achingly hard just from watching him rub his palm up and down his dick. Not sure how someone under the influence of mind control can still feel sexual desire. Steve doesn’t have the answers and all logic abandons him. He can’t really see much of anything but the x-rated image alone makes his mouth go dry. His throat closes up and he needs to move away but his entire nervous system misfires and his muscles don’t work. Steve wonders what must have got him so aroused but the hopeless angle is going to make it damn near impossible for him to work himself to completion and it leaves him frustrated.

He’s not very responsive when Steve returns at dawn. He’s stiff and desperate to pee. Hair still tousled from a restless night. Steve fights the desire to push a wayward strand from his eyes and decides to go in with something easy to start with. Struggling to block out the memory of him pawing an erection.

“You got a name at least?”

The Soldier looks surprised anyone cares enough to ask. He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds and Steve is too shattered to play games. He moves to leave again when a broken voice pulls him back.

“I don’t remember.” It’s little more than a whisper and laced with defeat. Almost like he doesn’t want to be left alone again. Steve waits, both arms folded across his chest. Making it clear the Soldier has to give up enough to make him stay. “I don’t remember anything before - ” He stops and looks away. “Before the pain.” All he associates with the Hydra base is the blinding agony that comes with every wipe.

Now it’s Steve’s turn to say sorry - and he does. Hoping he can develop whatever relationship this is that he’s trying to build between them.

“Well, I gotta call you somethin'.” Marking him as nothing but the Soldier is impersonal and a painful reminder of all that he is to the bastards who created him. “Winter, then." Steve settles on it for lack of anything more imaginative. He completely understands the avoidance tactic to distract from thinking about something that hurts. He uses it every time someone asks about Bucky. Steve doesn’t blame him but it’s not going to get him the answers he wants. “I don’t suppose that’s easy to deal with.” Much like the haunted cries that kept Steve awake most of the night. He doesn’t have to try and dig up any genuine empathy. It’s all been right there since Steve first opened up the file that would change his life forever. “But I know you let those agents bring you in. So, I guess the real question.” Steve leans in. “Is what are you doing here?”

The Soldier suddenly shifts and makes a play of fighting against his restraint. Steve flinches at the sickening clank of scraping metal when his arm makes contact with it. He wants to be let out and if the display is just an artifice to get his attention, Steve doesn’t care. For someone to really need him might fill all that emptiness inside.  


Steve already knows about the awesome level of combat and weapons ability. Probably mastered just about every martial art there is. If he releases Winter he could turn the holding area into a crime scene but there’s something about those eyes Steve can’t resist and the decision makes itself. Swamped by a calm acceptance he doesn’t expect locked in the iso bay with a deadly weapon, but it’s there.

He feels safe.

Steve promised to check him over but he’s not sure where to start after he removes the bonds. There’s no denying how much he wants to see every single inch of that rough skin but they should probably get to know each other better before he dives straight in to give his junk a good scrubbing.

His chest and arm are relatively safe territory so Steve fumbles with the senseless amount of buckles and Winter seems strangely willing to let Steve peel away most of his gear after being so insistent about the mask. He stays deathly still but Steve can almost see the firm outlines of his pecs twitch in anticipation. Trying hard not to think about the solid body underneath the tac vest Steve has fantasized about ripping off with his teeth.

He examines the damage on his shoulder where metal is melded into flesh. Winter shivers when fingertips skate over the silver branches of fading scars. Steve knows he’s blushing but he can’t stop the flush from spreading across his skin. He expects the arm to be cold when he lifts it up but there’s a strange warmth in the intimacy of their touch. Steve is silent while he cleans each plate with so much care it takes him forever. Something dangerous drops in the space between them but Steve is concentrating so hard he doesn’t notice blue eyes are trained on every movement of his fingers until he finally reaches the metal hand. Steve can’t let go and maybe even both lungs have collapsed 'cause he doesn’t remember taking a breath for so long. He’s reluctant to sever that touch but the unit is lined with cameras and Steve doesn’t want to jeopardize his access clearance.

He scans the Soldier’s body and recoils at the wreckage. His skin is painted with deep scratches and the angry marks of untended wounds. Even if he is still being controlled by Hydra, their neglect of him is shameful. It makes Steve feel sick and he drags in a breath so tight he presses one fist under his ribs to hold back the nausea.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Steve just shakes his head. Maybe someone like that always looks for a weakness to take advantage of. Steve’s hypnotized by him but under no illusion the Soldier actually cares.

“I’m gonna get you cleaned up but you need to lose this.” Steve tugs at the tip of the bandana but it doesn’t budge. “Why won’t you take the damn thing off?” He regrets it when the eyes turn cold and gray again.

“Don’t ask stupid questions.”

Steve lets the rejection get to him more than it should and when he sets in cleansing the cuts he’s not so gentle this time. The Soldier hisses in pain at the sudden sting.

“Stop being such a baby.” Steve teases. “It doesn’t hurt that bad.”

He colors up again when he realizes there’s a crinkle at the corner of one eye and Steve knows there must be a smile forming beneath the mask. Steve goes rigid when he locks his gaze with Winter. There’s a touch of something human behind his eyes that’s never been there before and he could slice the sexual tension with a machete when metal fingers slip between the spaces of his own. Steve jerks away on instinct and spills the water all over himself. Staring down in shock while it seeps through his shirt.

“You’re wet.” 

Steve just blushes harder.

“And you did that on purpose.” Steve’s going for pissed but the softness in his gaze betrays him. “Asshole.” He mutters under his breath and the Soldier suddenly lets go with a hum that might even be disappointment.

Steve does his best to forgive the memory loss and the unpredictable mood swings. Periods of being put on ice must really screw with the natural order. In that long moment of silence there’s a mutual understanding beyond the need for words. Steve can see how confused he is in the way he looks at him sometimes. The man behind those eyes slips from Buck to the Soldier in his head and Steve is finding it harder to tell the difference. Seduced by the familiar blue that’s all Bucky and crushed by the coldness in the icy gaze of Winter.

Steve resumes washing him down as a distraction but they’re so close now, he can feel the heat of shallow breaths on his neck. Steve longs to slide his arms around him but he just can’t and curses himself out for being such a fucking coward.

His body is so much weaker lately but it’s his emotional vulnerability that’s sending Steve crashing towards a shaky dependency he might never escape. Desperate to hold on to anything that reminds him of Buck. The hint of a smile or a single touch and Steve knows his heart will be lost. Maybe it is just spawned from a mutual past of knowing what it’s like to be a part of something as horrific as war. All they really have is each other.

“You need to be more careful. Steve.” He doesn’t understand how the Soldier knows his name but it sounds so sensual and perfect coming from that mouth. “You think I’m trapped in here with you. But maybe it’s you that’s trapped in here with me.”

Steve is still tingling with the throb of desire when he’s called back to the director’s office. Sam is already there and picking through the Soldier’s file. Steve’s not the only one who thinks it’s weird how much secret information keeps filtering through to SHIELD. It’s obvious they’re in the middle of a conversation and Fury has something new.

“Maybe it is just dumb luck.”

“I don’t believe in coincidence.” Sam says doubtfully. “Why would one of our most wanted just let himself be taken in? It makes no sense.”

His latest exchange with the Soldier makes Steve question everything he thought he knew.

“Do you think?” He hesitates, not sure if he should even ask. “He feels things?”

“Like what?” Sam flicks his head up but he doesn’t need to look in his eyes to know Steve’s already in too deep. “Emotions?”

“I guess.” Steve stalls. “But everyone keeps telling me his humanity is gone.”

“He’s still a man.”

Steve doesn’t expect that. It throws him for a second and does nothing to make the Soldier less interesting.

“Maybe you should accept the truth.” Fury cuts in. “He’s just made wrong.”

“He’s not made wrong.” Steve defends Winter without a second of hesitation. No one else has seen the light behind those eyes. Steve only got a glimpse of the man inside who’s begging to be set free and he wants more. He wants it all.

“Hydra did something terrible to him, Steve.” Fury says slowly. “That’s all I meant. If you really want to help him, then try and work with me on this. Apparently that red book I told you about ended up in Cleveland. I know you’re not ready to go back in the field yet so maybe you could take a couple of days to locate it.”

“No.” Steve replies defiantly. “I’m not leaving him. Pick someone else.”

The thought of being sent away from Winter ramps his agitation levels close to critical. Fury rests one hand on Steve’s shoulder.  


“When you wanted the Soldier, you asked me what we were trying to do here, Cap. I've always said compassion is more powerful than strength but SHIELD was founded for one thing. Protection. Even if sometimes it’s to protect one man against himself.”

“You mean me.”

“Someone has to say it. All your damn focus is on him.”

“So?” The crappy attitude is so unlike Steve, it makes Fury pause.

“So. You’re distracted and it’s making you unstable. You could slip. Miss a shot.”

“Good to know you still got so much faith in me.”

“It’s not that, Steve. I just don’t want you to get hurt because your mind isn’t on the job anymore.”

“What job?” Steve can’t even pretend to care. “You were more than happy to ground me now I’m a busted up mess.” Steve knows there’s never going to be a peaceful resolution. Winter is still an assassin. Most of his life spent with a colt in one hand and a .45 in the other. “I don’t care what it takes. I’m going to help him.”

Sam shuts the file.

“Steve. I know you care about him but some cuts are too deep to ever really heal.”

“That doesn’t mean you stop trying.”

Steve can’t help thinking maybe the Soldier in him doesn’t want to be saved.


	6. Exposure

**Exposure**

Most of the day seems to pass Steve by in a blur. Thinking he must have dropped off a couple of times while he waited for Winter to come round from the last dose of barbiturates. Steve hates that they keep him sedated until they can figure out what to do with him.

He’s staring into space when Natasha presses a cup of coffee in his hand.

“Here. You look like you need this. Late night?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Steve’s thoughts are too consumed by Winter to bother stringing a sentence together. He just can’t shake the feeling there’s something about the Soldier that’s too familiar to ignore and suspicions about who he really is have started to pick at his denial.

“Maybe you don’t need to spend so much time with him. You’re gonna give him Stockholm syndrome or something.”

“I’m not holding him hostage, Nat.”

“That’s not what I mean. But you’re probably the first person to show him any kind of affection in years.”

“I only cleaned him up.” Steve diverts. “Hardly a long-term relationship.”

Nat could swear he almost looks disappointed.

“I get that you like him but be careful, Steve. You don’t know what you’re getting involved with there.”

“So everybody keeps telling me.”

Natasha rests her head on his shoulder.

“Maybe 'cause people who care about you don’t want to see you get hurt again.” Steve expects he will anyway like he always does when he gives so much of himself to someone who slinks past his defences.

Steve has let Winter in and there’s nothing he can do about it. Most of the agents think he’s too conditioned by years of passive obedience to have an independent thought. But Steve knows different. He sees the man he once was struggling to stay alive underneath all that leather and ammo. It has serious implications for how much he really remembers about how he first became the Soldier.

He doesn’t know how to talk about it, but Steve is worried everything that makes him who he is will fade away. Captain America is the only identity he had to hold on to since Buck left him. He doesn’t know if the serum is failing or what might happen to them without it if Winter was given a discount version of the same.

Nat is gone when all the shouting starts up again. Steve suspects the Soldier has flashbacks about what happened to him at the base and he tries to shut it out, but his cries are so harrowing Steve can’t stand to leave him for long. He’s already had to deal with what it’s like to be completely alone and he’ll be damned if anyone else is going to suffer the same despair. He knows there’s nothing he can do to take all that pain away but the sound of his desolation is unbearable. Steve can’t fight his conscience any longer.

He rushes into the bay and slides down on his knees next to the bunk. Winter is thrashing restlessly despite being pumped full of meds. Cybernetic arm caught fast at the wrist. Steve scrabbles to release him so he can get close. Slipping one arm around his back while he hushes him through it. As the breathless gasps slowly subside, metal fingers are suddenly clutching at his shoulder. Twisting into his shirt with a grip so tight, Steve can almost feel little bruises forming on his skin. The back of his knuckles skim against a damp cheek when the Soldier curls in on him.

Steve assumes the sleep deprivation must have finally gotten to him. Winter only pulls away when the haze clears.

“What happened?”

Steve sits back on his heels. Both arms drop heavy at his sides and his hands feel too empty.

“That was gonna be my question.” Winter rubs at his face. He’s flushed and sweating. “But I don’t think I want to know what you dream about.” Steve can only imagine what terrors fill his mind between the nightmares and the pain he can’t contain when his subconscious relives all the terrible things he’s done. Steve helps him to sit up. “I wanted to ask you about last night. How do you know my name?”

Winter turns away and Steve wonders if it’s because he can’t look him in the eye when he lies.

“I don’t know.”

Steve suspects his own existence must be hidden somewhere in the Soldier’s mind and all it does is give him some hope that Buck might really have survived the fall.

“I think you do. You heard of Captain America?”

Winter jerks his head up.

“That star-spangled asshole from the comic books?”

“Well.” Steve exhales. Not sure why that makes him smile. “When you put it like that.”

“But that was years ago.”

“Yeah. I’m a lot older than I look.” Steve waits for him to say something but the hint doesn’t seem to get through. He’s still doped up and in no state to hold a conversation. “C'mon. You really need to rest.” Winter doesn’t move at all. Like he’s trying to fish for a memory that’s buried so deep he can’t reach it. Steve clicks his fingers in front of the Soldier’s face. He’s just staring at nothing with glassy eyes. “You gotta sleep 'til the drugs wear off.” Steve tries again. Not sure how much he understands now his self-control has slipped again. Remembering he responds better to instructions. “Lay down.”

Winter obeys in that submissive compliance Hydra have hard-wired into his brain and Steve feels like a dick for having to use it against him. He’s so still, Steve hopes he can sneak out and let him rest.

“Steve?” His voice is a soft whisper that cuts through the silence. “Don’t go.” Steve closes his eyes and sighs so profoundly it makes his whole body tremble. He wants that contact so bad but he already melts at the way Winter says his name. Steve can’t let himself get any closer if it’s all going to be ripped away from him. His chest hurts and the broken ribs are still sore but this ache comes from his heart. “Why you?”

“Why me, what?”

“Why is it always you they send in here?”

“They don’t send me.” Steve replies. “I come because I want to.” In a rare and lucid moment, the Soldier doesn’t get why anyone would care about someone like him. “Probably 'cause I’m the only one who really understands.” Misty eyes blink through a tangle of disordered thoughts that only make Steve want him more. He thought Winter was beautiful when he first saw his picture but having him so close and warm is almost more than Steve can handle. He smells like gun oil and smoke and the scent of perspiration drying on his skin is addictive. Steve can practically taste the raw masculinity that satisfies his kink to be dominated like nothing else. “And just so you know. I don’t blame you for any of this.” Steve hasn’t had much power of his own lately and he needs this. Almost ashamed by the rush that floods his veins when Winter seems to long for the contact. “It wasn’t your fault. What they did you.”

The Soldier is quiet for a long time.

“I don’t expect you to believe me but I don’t know why I’m here.” He looks so lost and broken, Steve has to stop himself from holding him. “My head hurts. They must 'a given me orders. I can’t remember anything and no one cares. I don’t know if I’m worth all this, Steve.”

Steve is effortlessly pulled back to him.

“Hey.” He sits down on the edge of the bunk. Fingertips itching to touch his skin again. “That’s not true.”

“Which part?”

“All of it, I guess.” Steve smiles. “I’ll stay.” He adds quietly. “But I need you to be honest with me. What do you remember?”

Winter wants to tell Steve the truth. No one showed him so much kindness before but he has to dig deep inside his mind for whatever Hydra planted there. He repeats the embedded command like a litany without really understanding why.

“Sacrifice freedom to gain security.”

Steve frowns. He has no idea what that means but it sounds like the sort of cryptic bullshit Hydra would use.

“I don’t suppose you remember why you got brought in but I think someone wanted you here.” Winter says nothing more but Steve knows those bastards are still active. The legacy they started all those years ago living on with some new twisted agenda. “That.” Steve murmurs. “Or someone sold you out.” It seems unlikely they would willingly give up an asset like the Soldier and it only leads him back to the conclusion they want him on the inside.

“I don’t know what I’m doing here.” Winter says honestly. Steve is close enough to touch and something breaks inside him. “But whatever it is, I might be compromised.” Steve doesn’t miss the way those seductive eyes slide up to study the shape of his lips. “I’m starting to feel things.”

Steve swallows hard but he seriously doubts an assassin with a double digit body count wants to cuddle. He edges closer to him anyway. Hesitant and unsure. Up close the Soldier looks so much like Buck it scares him. Steve just needs him to ditch the bandana and the black paint. He’s only ever felt a connection this deep once in his life and he doesn’t think it’s a coincidence.

“I want to see you. All of you.” Winter studies Steve for the longest minute of his life, like he’s looking right inside him. “Please. I need to know.” He can hardly breathe when Winter pushes a sigh out through his nose in acceptance and dips his head. Steve leans into him. Both hands shaking when he reaches around to try and untie the hitch.

When it slips free Steve’s entire existence shrinks down to a singularity. It’s not just the way he moves his body or the curve at the edge of his mouth when he gets nervous. It’s not even that one crooked tooth in an almost perfect smile and the cute little dimple in his chin.

It’s the way his heart calls to him.

Steve suspected it before but all he can manage now is to push out his name.

“Bucky?”

Winter stares at him.

“Who the hell is Bucky?”

Steve scrambles to back away. He’s looking at the man he loves but all logic fucks with his head so bad he can’t even start to process it.

“No. You can’t be him. You’re dead.”

“Stevie?”

“Don’t say that.”

“What?” Winter bites back. “That’s your name, isn’t it?”

Buck was the only one who ever called him that and Steve is completely freaking out. He has to have air and leaves the Soldier just staring after him in confusion.

When he collapses against the wall outside, he’s shaking uncontrollably. Sam finds him in a crumpled heap and helps him into the office. Nat has both feet propped up on the desk.

“What happened?”

“It’s him.” Steve is still in shock, his mouth parted in disbelief.

“Who?”

“Winter. Bucky.” Steve mutters aimlessly. “He didn’t even know me.”

Steve finally glances up at Natasha, who gives him a pitying look.

“I know he reminds you of your friend, but it’s not him.” Steve feels sick again. She might have given him a second to deal before going straight for the jugular and handing him a condescending smile. “I think you’re just seeing what you want to see.”

“This isn’t about me. It’s Buck.” Steve says again. “I know him.”

Sam’s not convinced either.

“How’s that even possible? It was like seventy years ago.”

“I’m here.” Steve says softly and Sam has to concede it’s a decent point. “His file said they kept him in stasis for years at a time.”

He’s always seen Bucky in the Soldier’s eyes and Steve’s not going to let anyone tell him his heart is wrong.

It’s close to an hour before he’s stable enough to go back in. The Soldier doesn’t ask if he’s alright but there’s an unexpected concern behind his eyes. Steve flips open the lensatic compass that holds Buck’s picture and shoves it at him.

“I think this is you.”

“Me?” Winter screws up his face and pushes it away. “Why?”

“It’s everything.” Steve drops to his knees in some distorted form of subjugation. “Your eyes. The way you say my name. It’s just - I don’t know.”

“Buck?" The Soldier suddenly remembers the look Steve had splashed all over his face when he spoke about him. Suspecting America’s golden boy would have a hard time convincing anyone he was into girls. "You said that guy broke your heart.” 

“Yeah.” Steve whispers. “He did.”

“He sounds like a dick.”

“Did you know who I was from the start?”

Winter just hums a response.

“I think you were my mission.”

“What do you remember?”

The Soldier hasn’t been wiped since he got taken into custody and Steve wonders how much of his Bucky he can sift through the mess of torture and pain.

“Nothing.”

“You’re lying.”

“I think. Maybe. I knew you.” Winter gasps out in little bursts. “A long time ago.”

“What else? Buck?” Steve prods him for something more and the Soldier doesn’t correct him.

“My arm was gone.” His eyes are darting over Steve’s face now. Absorbing every feature. “Blood in the snow.” He shivers. “And the cold. I remember the cold.” Steve swears he’s never going to fail him again. Intending to shape the rest of his life out of a past only Bucky understands. He finally lets the tears fall. Buck always looked out for him and Steve is going to protect him with everything he has. There’s not much left of him before Moscow and Steve is nothing but a distant memory from another lifetime. “I think they tried to take you out of my head.” But the part of Steve that loves him just refused to be erased.


	7. A Study In Black

**A Study In Black**

Steve stays with Winter 'til he falls asleep again. Taking some strange comfort in their mutual silence since forgotten memories surfaced without warning. Both of them struggling to work through the revelation they’re more important to each other than they thought.

Steve’s suffering more emotions than he’s felt in years and they’re all conflicted. The pure happiness that fills him in knowing Buck’s alive is mercilessly trashed by so much helplessness. Steve can never take away a damaged past. A sad history that’s changed someone he loves into a cold-blooded killer. Fallen tears have left salty trails on his cheeks but he doesn’t rub them away. Buck has the biggest heart of anyone Steve’s ever known. Those tears are still drying when he heads outside for air. Nat catches him sitting on the front steps with both knees pulled up to his chest. Steve inhales a sharp breath and drags one hand down his face. She can tell he’s been crying. Clenched fingers come to rest over his mouth like he’s scared it might slip how bad he’s hurting.

“Sorry.”

Natasha sits down next to him.

“Don’t apologize for having a heart, Steve. It makes you human.” Steve’s never felt that more completely since the effects of a washed-out serum leave him weak. “But until we know why he’s really here, you can’t trust him.”

Steve doesn’t curse much but he never shared the same reluctance to embrace Winter.

“Buck gets mind-fucked by Hydra and he’s the bad guy?” All he can see when he looks at him as the Soldier are wasted years. Steve hates so much hostility hanging between them but he can sort of understand why she feels that way. “None of this is on him.” Steve sighs. “But I suppose trust is hard unless you know who someone really is.”

“But you don’t know him.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Steve - ” Nat says gently. “You don’t know the man he is now.”

“Don’t.” Steve closes his eyes to shut out the glare of disapproval he knows is there. Refusing to believe Buck is beyond the point of redemption. And it’s stupid to feel so protective of someone who’s more than capable of handling himself in a fight. Steve knows he probably starts most of them. “Please. Just give him a chance to remember who he is.”

“And what do you think will happen then? You can’t ignore all the shit he’s pulled.” Nat warns. “And SHIELD won’t either.”

“I know.” Steve pales when he thinks about what they might do to Buck if he stays locked-up in headquarters. If there’s a chance to get him somewhere safe, he’s going to take it. Steve’s so quiet Nat can almost feel the depth of his pain and confusion now he’s convinced the Soldier is really the love he lost. “I just don’t understand why I’m the only one who thinks he’s worth saving.”

“Look at his file, Steve. It’s not so hard.”

Steve wishes he could explain what it’s like to have crap slung at you since FDR was in office. No one but Buck shares those same life experiences.

“War changes people, Nat.” Steve looks so torn, her heart goes out to him. “And Buck’s been fighting this one on his own. Always. I’m not gonna abandon him when he needs me most. He’s my friend.”

Natasha’s never sure which man Steve sees when he looks past the black mask but one thing is certain.

Steve is completely in love with him.

“I know how much Barnes means to you, I really do.”

Steve finally turns to look at her.

“Actually, you don’t.”

“I’m starting to.” Nat attempts a smile. “But we swore to protect the United States from all possible threats. And until I know different, that includes your Soldier.”

“Bucky.” Steve amends. “His name is Bucky.”

Natasha hasn’t exactly been an awesome friend lately and Steve needs to know someone still has his back.

“Listen. I don’t know if he’s ever going to be the man you remember but I suppose if anyone could break through, it’s you.”

“Thanks, Nat.”

Steve hopes with all his heart that she’s right.

Steve imagines he’s supposed to go back for orders. Let Fury assign him some boring paperwork to file. But right now there’s nowhere else he wants to be. Just watching Buck sleep with a mushy smile on his face. Peaceful rise and fall of his chest concealing a swirling black pit inside him.

Steve made a grab for his sketch pad on the way back to isolation. Something to fill the long gaps when Winter succumbs to sedation.

He settles quietly and spreads out his supplies. Steve starts off with a rough outline. Then he takes in the divine curves of a face he never hoped to see again. The portrait almost draws itself with his muse and inspiration so close.

Every emotion he’s ever felt preserved in sweeping lines of black. Steve smudges the pencil with his finger and adds some darker tones. A subconscious reflection of how he felt inside after losing Bucky. For so many years it seemed like he was just lost in a featureless world painted in shades of gray. Steve is so focused on perfecting it, he doesn’t realize the Soldier is awake and watching him through a siren’s eyes.

“Can I see it?”

Steve hesitates and sucks his bottom lip into his mouth. Winter shifts to relieve the ache in his dick every time he lets his gaze drag over Steve’s lips. Plump as a pink rosebud just before it bursts open. Winter still can’t recall exactly what they were to each other before the program but he’s pretty damn sure he would have remembered those.

The drawing isn’t quite finished and Steve doesn’t really want to share in case Buck doesn’t like it.

“Bucky.” Steve starts, but the Soldier slinks back against the bunk.

“Don’t. Not yet.” Winter isn’t looking at him anymore and Steve has to stop himself from pushing it. His connection to a war hero like Captain America only makes Winter think about how much he must have missed in a past he can’t remember. He sighs and gestures for Steve to pass him the sketch as a distraction from staring at his mouth. Studying it in silence for a little too long. “S'good.” Steve gives him a modest smile and Bucky traces a single metal fingertip over the lines. Maybe it is him. The man he was before the Soldier. It hurts to see how Steve has somehow captured the sadness in his eyes. “You really think I’m him, don’t you?”

Steve nods.

“Don’t you?”

“I dunno, Steve.” Winter seems resigned to having no memory of a man who looks at him with so much admiration. He feels horrible.

“But you saw blood in the snow.” Steve encourages. There must be so much more lying dormant in his head that they need to pry out to be sure it’s Buck. “Do you remember the fall?”

Winter shakes his head and hair drops over his eyes again.

“No. But sometimes I think I don’t wanna believe that I’m him.” He can’t even begin to process why a man like Steve would care about him so deeply. “'Cause that little punk didn’t deserve you.”

Steve completely disagrees but it takes him a second to realize it’s a come-on.

“Doesn’t matter.” He deliberately holds Winter’s gaze. “It never stopped me from missing him.”

“Steve.” Winter murmurs. The implications of who he really is are disturbing. He thinks about the image pressed inside an antique compass. “It’s not for nothin' you’re still carrying that picture after so long. And you think that might be me.” Even the automaton in him understands the way that Steve looks at him isn’t just the sentiment of an innocent friendship. “I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with that.”

“That’s okay.” Steve is hurt and it shows, but he tries to hide how he really feels about Bucky. The last thing Steve wants is to freak out the Soldier in him. The file said he had some kind of breakdown when he disappeared off the grid in the seventies. There’s no point in dredging up painful memories. Steve is gonna take care of him. Make sure no one ever hurts him again. More than that, he’s gonna make sure he never hurts himself.

It stirs a distant memory of two dumb kids snuggled up together when it was brick out. Steve never forgot how cold those New York winters seemed when he was sick with the fever. Buck cuddled up to him with a stupid threadbare comforter that didn’t serve for shit. It was the love of his best friend that always made him feel so warm.

Steve would do anything for him. Even squashing his own desires into a dark place where he can stash them away.

“I haven’t felt anything for so long.” Winter admits suddenly. “No happiness. No sadness. No fear. What I have inside me.” He hesitates. “Is just a big hole of nothing.”

“I think everyone feels like that sometimes.” Steve says thoughtfully. “But you know what keeps me going when everything is falling apart? Go in strong. Come out stronger.”

The only thing Winter ever feels is the damp sensation of twitching muscle where metal joins his shoulder. They fall silent again but Steve can tell Buck is stalling.

“Can I ask you something?”

Steve blinks and finally sets the pad to one side. Still fiddling with the pencil just to give his hands something to do. The temptation to reach for Buck is bordering on a compulsion.

“Sure.”

“I need to know what I was to you, Steve.”

It’s the first time Winter’s ever acknowledged that he might be Bucky but Steve has to force himself to swallow down the truth.

“You were my friend. Don’t you remember?”

“Is that all?” Steve’s eyes flick up. Blushing is always a tell he’s lying. Buck used to call him out on it every time and he hopes that’s one memory that stays buried. He hates pretending this man isn’t the only reason he lives and breathes so he says nothing until he knows for sure if Bucky could ever feel the same. “It might have been anyone. I sometimes wonder why they wanted me.”

“It’s not so hard.” Steve smiles again. He’s always wanted him. The serum was designed to enhance natural traits and Steve suspects if he can reach the Bucky he remembers maybe all the brainwashing and aggression will fade away. “I want everyone else to see the good inside you.”

“Is that what I am to you?” And the steely gaze is back. “A mission? A little pet project to ease your conscience?”

“No, Buck.” Steve is sad he even has to ask but his moods are still so unpredictable. “I’m trying to say I’m sorry but you’re not makin' it real easy when you look at me like that.”

“What’s the matter?” Steve is hard to read when he’s pouting and the paranoia makes Buck start to doubt his true motivation. “Scared you like it?”

Scared isn’t exactly the word Steve would use.

“It’s alright, Buck.” Steve pacifies. “I know why you feel so angry all the time. With all the stuff you’ve been through, it's no surprise to any of us that you got some serious PTSD.”

Winter spits out a puff of air. Not sure why he finds that so insulting.

“That how you people justify your own bullshit?”

Steve can’t blame him for being so tense and irritable all the time in case the same thing happens to him again. Getting dragged off and put in cryo until he can hardly remember his own name.

“They’ve got nothing to do with it.” Steve reassures. “It's me who wants you to be strong again.”

“You didn’t care seventy years ago when you let me go. Never looked for me.” Steve chokes in a breath when all the unexpected resentment fills his vision with black. Not sure if that's just a product of his subconscious or if Bucky remembers more than he’s making out.

“I know this is all my fault, Buck.” Steve’s always believed that. “I should have saved you. I’m trying to save you now.”

“But I can’t trust my own mind. How do I know you’re even real?”

“I’m real.” Steve reaches out and covers the metal fingers with his own. “And you got nothing to prove.” Steve lets his hand fall. “Not to me.”

Bucky suddenly remembers some gawky lookin' kid with floppy blond hair gazing up at him like he’s everything. He drills the heel of his hand into one eye with a growl. Determined to push it all out rather than face it.

“Shut up.”

Steve refuses to give him the satisfaction of taking that advice. He’s not going to let Buck go a second time and moves in on him again.

“What are you scared of?”

“I didn’t say I was.”

“Yes, you are. I know you.”

“No, you don’t.” The Soldier yells. “Stop saying that. I’m not him.” Winter suddenly slumps forward like all the fight has gone out of him. “I can never be the man you want me to be.”

Steve holds his hand like it’s the most natural thing he’s ever done.

“You’re already the man I want you to be, jerk. You always were.”

Buck just stares at him in amazement. Steve stirs all sorts of sensations he hasn’t felt in so long.

“But I remember all of them. I deserve this pain and more. Everything Hydra put inside me is still there. I might hurt someone.” He pauses. “I might hurt you.” Steve caresses Buck’s fingers with his thumb. He goes rigid but he doesn’t pull away. Almost as if some small fragment of the Soldier that’s still Bucky wants so badly to remember what it’s like to be loved. He just can’t resist the temptation of that plump rosebud when Steve is so close. “поцелуй меня.” Steve is never going to get over how fucking sexy it is every time those soft syllables fall from Buck’s lips and slink down inside him like a silky promise. He knows Steve doesn’t understand but he just can’t verbalize it. “How 'bout I just show you what I want?” Buck leans in and Steve’s heart is pounding but nothing about it feels wrong. He can almost taste his mouth. Parted and wet with slick. Steve can’t remember anything else after he closes his eyes and Bucky's lips touch his with a perfect kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> поцелуй меня : Potseluy menya : Kiss me


	8. Defection

**Defection**

Steve can’t be sure how long they stay there with their mouths pressed together but it sure doesn’t seem like long enough. Lost to pleasure while the tip of a searching tongue edges his lips apart like it wants to taste every last inch of him. And the beautiful reality of a kiss Steve never hoped to have surpasses all the jerk-off fantasies he ever imagined. Steve feels eager hands slide up the sides of his thighs when Winter leans closer.

“Больше.” It’s whispered into his mouth, primal senses already on overload when Buck slips his hand between Steve’s legs and digs his fingers into the dip where it joins his hip. He can never explain how the Russian gets to him. Slinking through his veins like liquid sex. Solid metal fingertips grope ever higher and brush so close to his dick it twitches with want. Steve moans into Buck’s mouth while he explores him from the inside out.

“Keep talkin' like that and you could get me to do anything you want.”

Bucky doesn’t reply but Steve can feel him smile against his lips.

The kiss gets so much deeper and Steve’s hand is suddenly tangled in messy strands of dark hair. He can feel Buck’s heartbeat thrum against his fingertips when he pulls until it hurts. Steve only lets go when a fractured plea pours into his mouth.

“Fuck. Stop.” Winter squeezes the meat of Steve’s thigh and reluctantly pulls away to drag in some air. It’s too intense after so long without intimate touch. Steve can see the throbbing outline of just how much he wants it but the Soldier in him is fighting to stay in control. “Need to stop.” Buck gasps.

Steve moves away to let his ardour cool while Winter tries to claw back some restraint in case he shows some affection on accident. Still dazed by the sensation of Buck’s mouth sliding over his own. Steve doesn’t say anything for the entire minute they spend just grinning at each other like idiots.

“Why did you do that?”

It seems to take a second to decide if he should answer. Bucky just shrugs instead like it’s not as big a deal as it is.

“Got tired of waiting for you to ask.” Steve has that slushy look on his face like he wants to say something profound so Winter sits back and folds both arms across his chest. Making sure he’s not tempted to reach out and pull Steve in again. “So. Captain America, huh?” Despite his initial reaction, he almost sounds impressed.

“Yeah. Being an Avenger’s not so bad.” Steve gives him a sideways glance. It’s so hard for him not to stare. “Needed a focus to try and fill my memories with something that wasn’t you.” Steve laughs but it seems like he’s gone to a lot of effort to try and forget a past they might have shared. Spare himself the pain.

Winter doesn’t know how it feels to pine for someone but Steve sees a familiar smile when his mouth hitches up at one corner. Something Buck always did when he was serious as a heart attack and pretending not to be.

“Did you even miss me?”

Like he has to ask when Steve still has tear stains smeared all over his face.

“Every day.”

“I want to remember, Steve. But this is all I know. Elimination. I’m not the man you knew. Not anymore.” Buck suddenly stares down at the metal arm like he wants to rip it off. “I’m a monster.”

“Don’t say that.” Steve is surprisingly sincere. “You know, I still dreamed about you after you were gone.”

“But I wasn’t dead.”

Steve pushes away the sick feeling of guilt.

“I didn’t know that, Buck. You just left me.” Steve drops his shoulders. “Shit. I didn’t mean that the way it came out.”

“Is that what you think I did?”

Steve can hear a tremble in Winter’s voice that hints at more emotion than anything he would have said as the Soldier.

“No. Not really. It’s not exactly a life choice to fall from a speeding train.” Steve is staring at his friend like he still can’t believe he’s real. Looking at Buck and Winter and the Soldier all at the same time makes it real hard to follow a single line of thought. Never sure which one he’s talking to. “That’s just how I felt, is all.” Steve turns away. “Alone.”

“Steve.” Winter murmurs. “If I am him. If - ” He can’t get out what he really wants to say but he doesn’t need to. Steve understands him enough not to push for more.

“You don’t have to say anything. I know it wasn’t your fault.” The scowl means that isn’t the response Winter wants and Steve’s not really sure why.

“Stop making excuses for everything I’ve done.” Winter tries to look away but the blue of those pretty eyes is dangerously persuasive.

It triggers a hazy image of Steve before he got so jacked. He was always kind of cute but now Bucky is blown away by the drool-worthy muscles and a jaw that could dent marble. Even as Winter the attraction to Steve is undeniable but most of his emotions are gone. Suspecting he’s going to want a lot more than a kiss when deeper feelings start to filter back and he can’t deal with it. It’s getting harder to stop Steve chipping his way through Winter’s impenetrable armor to drag Buck free before he suffocates. He’s slipping through cracks in a wall that’s taken Hydra years to perfect. Mindless compliance in danger of being destroyed by one man whose love for their Soldier never faded.

“I’m not. I just wanted you to know.”

“Okay.” It’s weak, and Steve understands shame and regret better than most. “I think just being here.” With you were words left unspoken but they were there. “Helps me try and remember who I was. How I felt about you.” He adds quietly. Suddenly slinking back to his bunk and falling silent again. Steve lets him go. He wants to understand Winter but Bucky is the man he’s in love with.

Steve goes back to file his latest report to see Fury standing behind the desk. Staring out across the skyline with both hands clasped behind his back. Never a good sign. Steve forces a cough to break the silence and let the director know he’s there but apparently Fury’s been expecting him.

“I warned you not to get too close.” Steve’s entire world collapses around him. Just like that. “You’re off Winter Soldier duty.”

“What? Why?”

Fury flicks on the monitor to run some footage from the iso bay camera. When Steve sees what it’s picked up on a routine scan he realizes how much trouble he’s in. His heart is thumping with fear because he knows now what’s coming next. Even before it gets to the good bit.

“Care to explain?” Steve gapes at the screen. Nothing he could ever say would cover the half of it. “I get that you think you’re on a divine mission to help him embrace his sensitive side or some shit.” Fury tears a strip off but all Steve can think about is what Bucky’s mouth tastes like and nothing else matters. “But since when did that duty of care include letting a security risk stick his tongue down your throat?”

Steve is dying inside but he would do it all again just to have the memory of Buck’s kiss that’s still lingering on his lips. He runs the tip of his tongue along the seam to savor every last drop.

“Sir.” Steve whispers, head dipped low. “It’s not like that. I know him. I’ve known him for years.”

“You’re breaking my heart.” Fury shuts off the monitor. When he turns back to Steve, the anger morphs into concern. “How the fuck are we supposed to be taken seriously if anyone else sees this, Steve? What’s next? A quick hand-job in between making him breakfast and pressing his shirts?”

He wishes. There’s a cruel irony in citing a life of domestic bliss with Bucky that Steve can only dream about.

“I can’t lose this detail, Sir.” Steve replies. “Put me on disciplinary if you want. Anything.” Fury’s never seen Steve look so desperate. “But please don’t restrict my access to him.”

“Rules aren’t made to be broken.”

“Please.” Steve tries again. Like repeating it somehow makes a difference.

“You’re a pain in my ass.” Fury sighs, but he’s always had a soft spot for Cap. Admires his patriotic spirit. “Last chance, and you’re on probation.” He lifts one hand to shut Steve up before he makes it a hundred times worse. “But I swear you better keep your distance if you know the scanners are on. I can make one tape disappear but we’re not bulletproof, Steve. Remember that.”

Steve curses himself for being so careless but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t happily spend the rest of his days stuck to Bucky’s face. He can’t risk getting caught so he avoids the bay completely until he can come up with a way to get him somewhere safe. Deciding to sleep in the corridor again to avoid temptation.

The next morning when Steve goes to check the holding cell, his stomach almost falls out his mouth. Buck is lying on his back. Listless and covered in bruises. When Steve gets closer he can see his lip is bleeding. He has to shake Winter a couple of times to bring him round. He finally blinks up at Steve through black and swollen eyes.

“What happened?” Steve forces away the tears. Suspecting the cameras have been disabled for the small window someone needed to get in and out with enough time to give Winter a decent pasting. Steve rubs the back of one hand across his eyes. He’s going to get that spineless bastard who waited until after Buck got his sedatives to make sure he was out of it. “Who did this to you?” Steve is frantic when he scans the exposed skin for damage. Winter isn’t very responsive but Steve still fires questions at him. “Did you see anything? Anyone?” Steve wonders if someone he trusts might be a double agent. Bucky’s in so much pain, he’s finding it hard to focus. “It must be someone loyal to Hydra.” Steve mutters, mainly to himself. “Who else knew about your mission?”

“I don’t know.” Winter manages to spit out after he struggles to sit up. Grateful none of his teeth came with it. “They don’t tell me shit.” He puts one hand to his head like he wants to pull the information out.

“I told you there was something weird going on.” Steve reaches for Buck again. “But why would anyone want to hurt you?”

“Are you serious?” Winter frowns. “Why would anyone not?”

Steve hates that Bucky thinks so little of himself.

“Stop doing that.”

“What?”

It kills Steve that someone he loves can’t see the value in their own existence.

“Put yourself down all the time like you’re not worth anything.”

Buck’s reply is quiet enough for Steve to miss.

“I’m not.”

Steve waits until Winter gets cleaned up and has enough medical attention to be ready for what he has planned for him. Silently gearing himself up for a betrayal he didn’t think he was capable of. Steve knows now that it’s only a matter of time before someone gets to Bucky again and the threat of losing access to him permanently is enough motivation to risk everything. Captain America has been his identity for so long Steve’s not sure he knows how to be anyone else. But he can’t care for Bucky like he wants to with agents and traitors breathing down his neck. Not knowing who he can trust now that every move he makes is captured in digital technicolor.

Steve says nothing to the others but he’s fixing to get Bucky out before something really bad happens. Refusing to give anyone the chance to take him away again. Steve suddenly remembers something about the specifications of his arm that might give them the edge they need.

“Get up.” Winter starts in surprise when Steve returns at midnight but the arm he wants is still shackled to the bunk. “I need you to help me.” Steve unlocks the restraint and throws the key aside. Winter doesn’t seem to share the same urgency. He’s still doped up and half-asleep.

“I thought you were supposed to be superhero material or something.”

Steve doesn’t have time to argue. He has one chance to get Buck out and he’s taking it.

“Lately, not so much.” He can’t help thinking maybe their fates have always been inexorably linked somehow by the consequences of taking the serum. Steve grabs Winter by the hand and shoves him towards the bay doors so hard his body slams up against the glass.

“Steve? What the hell is going on?” He’s weak and confused and still recovering from getting the shit kicked out of him.

“Ramp up the EMP, Buck.” Steve replies breathlessly. “I’m gonna get you out of here.”

“No.”

Steve stops dead. Not exactly the response he anticipated.

“No?”

“No.” Winter says adamantly. “They should keep me holed away in here so I can’t hurt anyone else.” He couldn’t have picked a worse time to develop a conscience.

“I can’t explain it all right now.” Winter is still protesting when Steve turns back to him. “Please, Buck. Just listen to me for once in your life.” There’s so much pleading in Steve’s eyes, it silences him. “I can knock out the cameras for a few minutes. You take care of the doors.”

“You’re serious.” Winter stammers. “What if they try and stop you?”

Steve rests one hand on Bucky’s shoulder and squeezes. His voice is much softer now.

“Then you get out of here. And you don’t look back.” He didn’t expect so much hesitation. “Go.” Steve commands.

“No.” Winter sets his jaw and it must be a trick of the light because Steve swears his eyes are shimmering. “Not without you.”

Steve wants to stay with him so bad but they’re running out of time. He has to get Bucky out first.

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen now. But I can’t let them keep you in a cage like this.”

“Fuck, Steve.” Winter breaths out, gaze darting over his shoulder like a cornered animal. But when it tracks back to Steve, they’re Bucky’s eyes and his heart can’t take it. Steve is going to tell him the truth and to hell with the consequences. “Don’t sacrifice everything you are just for me. They’ll never let you carry that shield again if you help me escape.”  


“I don’t care.” Steve takes Buck’s face in his hands. “You just don’t get it, do you? Nothing and no one has ever been more important to me than you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Больше : Bol'she : More


	9. Scarred

**Scarred**

Bucky stares Steve down while that processes in his head. His eyes are still tinted with scraps of black paint that only make the blue shine brighter.

“Don’t play with me.” Buck says seriously. It sounds like a warning but his voice falters like he needs the reassurance.

“Look at me.” Steve cups both hands so his fingertips rest on Bucky’s cheeks. “You look in my eyes and tell me I don’t mean it.” Steve holds his gaze steady even though it feels like Winter is trying to see right inside him. Bucky blinks like he can’t find anything to say to the sincerity he sees reflected there. “Go.” Steve knows they don’t have time to fuck about and gives him another push to get him moving. Winter extends the cybernetic arm, metal fingers stretched wide. Hum of the electromagnetic pulse thudding in Steve’s ears as the energy builds. He’s waiting for the Soldier to unleash a brilliant stream of light but he suddenly hesitates. “Go, Buck.” Steve insists. Guessing they only have minutes before security realize the scanners are down and every second counts. “I’ll be right behind you, I swear.”

Bucky flicks his head back and studies Steve over his shoulder to see if he really means it. It’s hard for him to trust when his heart is so empty. So scarred. There’s a heavy pause loaded with indecision. Buck suddenly runs back and grabs Steve’s waist. Pushes his body up against the wall and kisses Steve hard while he grinds his hips against him until they both run out of air.

Feeling Bucky’s tongue slide into his mouth again is as arousing as the last kiss they shared but this one feels more like a promise. Steve gasps in a breath and watches Buck go in stunned silence, aching for more. He lifts one hand to shield his eyes from the blinding pulse of energy that knocks out the electrics and blows the doors wide open with a ball of azure fire. Steve can just make out the shape of Winter silhouetted by a blue glow.

He stands between the doors before taking one last glance over his shoulder. Steve is suddenly disoriented by the glare of flashing lights that wash the empty space in red. Struggling to hold on to a single logical thought over the intermittent scream of sirens that warn every agent in there that the security doors are compromised.

There’s something almost hopeful in the last look that passes between them. Winter shoots down the corridor and disappears.

Steve covers the exits and is set on following Buck into the Heights but he’s stopped dead by the haunting echo of a sniper’s gunshot. It rings out and vibrates along every wall. Steve stares out into the street to catch sight of Bucky taking off but there’s nothing and the silence is deafening. He calls Bucky’s name out of building desperation but his friend doesn’t reappear and Steve’s heart is about to jump right out his chest.

And somehow in the midst of all this chaos inside his head, Steve is trying to figure out how anyone could get up to the roof so fast or understand what was going on before Buck was halfway to the border. No one else knew about Steve’s plan to break him out and that can only mean one thing. Someone is watching the Soldier. Maybe right from the start. Someone who wants to bring SHIELD down from the inside. Buck said something about sacrificing his freedom but Steve can’t recall exactly what he remembered after Hydra wiped him that last time. Steve’s given that freedom back to him and apparently pissed someone off in the process. For a second he wonders if Buck manipulated him in the worst possible way. Destroying the trust Avengers are supposed to have in each other. But Steve knows him. Knows whatever that was in his eyes just before he ran away – it wasn’t betrayal.

Maybe they were all set up from the start. Winter included. Steve’s thoughts are suddenly shattered by another shot and he feels his heart stutter again. Helplessly peering out into the main street with fear clawing at his throat. He can’t see Bucky’s body but Steve can’t hear him running away either. Getting more agitated knowing agents will react to the alarm that’s making his head hurt.

Hawkeye is the first to respond and jumps down next to him.

“What’s happening?” Clint is already geared up for a mission. Tips of black arrow flights just visible behind his shoulder.

“Watch my back.” Steve pleads. “I gotta go after him.” Hawkeye has no idea why the building is on emergency lockdown or that the Soldier has slipped their custody.

“Go after who?” He asks blankly, face screwed up with confusion.

Steve hesitates, despite his urgency. He longs to tell Hawk the truth. Pour it all out that a wanted assassin is the man Steve’s loved and pined for since forever. The man whose held his heart since he knew what being in love felt like. But Steve can’t say any of it.

“My friend.”

“Steve?” Clint needs answers but Steve’s already climbing free of the wreckage Buck left in his wake and sprinting down the waterfront. Searching for some sign of him.

He’s so focused on finding Winter, Steve doesn’t stop running until he suddenly finds himself on the edge of Red Hook. He can hardly breathe when he wanders deeper in and his gaze scans familiar haunts. Paths he used to tread trailing after Buck on the lookout for an easy score. Steve always hated those stupid double dates Bucky made him go on. Enduring the torment with a fake smile plastered on his face while it felt like he was dying inside. Steve has so many regrets in life but the one that’s haunted him most was never telling Buck he loved him. Sentimental memories force tears to his eyes again. The significance of Bucky being drawn back to their childhood playground isn’t lost on Steve. He’s terrified that if those gunshots found their mark, precious time is slipping away. He turns in circles, frantic eyes darting down the same streets they used to walk as kids. Steve has to find him. Sensing the panic rise while images from a past he’s tried to forget slowly filter back in.

His search of the area yields absolutely nothing and he’s standing on the edge of the pier with tears of despair streaming down his cheeks. Gazing out across the bay he can just see Liberty Island and the irony cuts deep. He didn’t set Bucky free just to have him bleed out in a back alley somewhere before Steve ever gets to hold him again.

He’s worn out, emotionally broken and close to giving up when he has a weird feeling and suddenly remembers a place where they used to go watch the ferries come in. Hope resurfaces and Steve dives down to the wharf. When he reaches the end of the street he sees Winter slumped against a wall.

Steve doesn’t hesitate and drops to his knees next to him with relief. Pulling a limp hand between his own and stroking the back of metal plates even though he knows Buck can’t feel it. Steve pushes back strands of damp hair falling over his eyes and examines his body with shaky fingers.

He can’t explain the fear that grips him when he sees red blossoming on Bucky’s shirt and he can tell it’s blood. His body’s taken at least one bullet and Steve knows instinctively it’s bad. He can’t find Buck just to lose him again.

“You’re hurt.” Steve says quietly. Concern evident in the soft lilt of his voice while he desperately tries to patch him up with anything he can find. Steve presses down hard to stem the flow but blood just seeps through the gaps between his fingers so he rips off a sleeve and packs the hole in Buck’s side.

“Steve?” Bucky tries to get his attention but the word is so faint, Steve knows he’s close to passing out.

“Shh. Don’t talk.” The formula Hydra injected should have kept his body at the peak of physical perfection but something is wrong and the way that serum’s been acting lately, Steve reckons he’s lucky to have made it three blocks. He’s trying to stay calm for Bucky but blood still leaks out and coats his fingertips in crimson. “It’s not stopping.” Steve panics. “Why isn’t it stopping?”

It takes Bucky a second to respond. He shivers in Steve’s arms.

“I’m so cold, Stevie.” It’s heartbreaking to hear him suffer. A painful reminder of how desolate he must have felt lying frozen in the snow before the Russians found him. Steve leans in and rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder. Doing his best to staunch the flow of blood and hoping the healing factor comes through. For now all Steve can do is cradle him. And Buck lets him.

“Hey.” Winter’s breath is shallow. Color slowly draining from his cheeks. “We used to cuddle up like this in your mom’s apartment when the water got shut off.”  


Steve doesn’t want to think about how hard it was growing up in the Depression. So fragile as a kid, he’s not sure how he made it at all.

“You remember that?” Steve murmurs fondly. Planting a soft kiss in Bucky’s hair. But he’s too quiet. Steve knows he’s in trouble when his head drops forward. “Buck?”

He’s almost out cold and Steve is scared to death he’s going to lose him. Trying to hitch him up when he sees someone running towards them and Steve knows his trust was well placed. He asked Hawkeye to watch his back and he hasn’t let him down.

“As awesome as it is lying here bleeding to death.” Buck whispers. “I don’t think they’re just gonna let me walk out of there, Steve. More of them will come for me.”

Buck can only sense Hawkeye’s shadow but presumes he’s going to get dragged back to headquarters.

“He’s here to help. Right, Hawk?” Clint can’t ignore the pain in Steve’s eyes but he doesn’t answer. Just slips one hand under Winter’s arm and helps yank him to his feet. Buck is almost upright but he’s swaying. He slings one arm over Steve’s shoulder and lets him circle his waist to hold him steady.

“You know I got orders, Cap.” Clint says quietly. He wants to help but pissing all over company protocol is a serious violation.

“I can’t take him back to base.” Steve is desperate. “Someone wants to hurt him. Do you know anyone who would see him as a target?”

“No, Steve. They know the Soldier’s yours.” Clint throws it as an innocent remark but Steve wishes more than anything that was true.

“There’s nowhere else for us to go. I gotta take him home.”

“Steve.” Hawkeye warns.

“Please. Don’t give him up.” Steve strokes the fingers dangling over his shoulder and whispers against Bucky's cheek. “Stay with me 'til we figure it out.”

“Steve.” Bucky is struggling to breathe but even hovering on the edge of consciousness he knows it’s a terrible idea. “That’s the first place they’ll look.” Steve says nothing in his defense but Buck suspects he’s stubborn as all hell when his mind is made up. “You don’t need to do this.” Bucky tries again, but Steve just pulls him closer.

“Sure I do.” Steve even manages to force a smile. “No one else is dumb enough.”

“Huh.” Winter grunts in pain when his leg buckles. “Imagine that.” He’s fighting to stay conscious and Steve needs to get him away from there in case someone really is after him. “What will they do to you?”

“Nothing compared to what they’ll do to you if they catch you. That bullet wasn’t a love tap, Buck. Someone was trying to kill you.”

“It’s not the first time.” Bucky smirks. One eyebrow hitching into an arch when he flashes that little half-smile Steve’s always adored.

“Well, I’m gonna make sure it’s the last.” Steve promises. “Come on.” He has to physically move him forward while Winter leans heavy against his side. His body is a dead weight and Steve can barely hold him up but Buck needs him and Steve doesn’t intend to disappoint.

Anyone can see he needs medical attention but Steve can’t risk taking him to the emergency room. Who knows how many Hydra bastards are still out there. How long it will be before SHIELD agents are swarming across Brooklyn. Steve suddenly has an idea. He turns to Hawkeye.

“You got any trick arrows?” Like he needs to ask. Clint nods at Steve in understanding and reaches into his quiver. He pulls out a Smoke Screen and fires it into the air as a distraction. A brilliantly executed cover that clears the area for Steve and Bucky to make a break for it. Steve sneaks him away. Cutting through the waterfront district to get back to his apartment. Luck is on his side and they just make it before Winter passes out. Steve wrestles his body inside and helps Bucky collapse on the couch. He’s asleep before Steve drapes him in a comforter and for a second he can pretend everything is perfect.

All he’s ever wanted is to settle down with Bucky and shut out the rest of the world. He doesn’t expect anyone else to understand, but Steve loves Buck enough to start a civil war.


	10. Bucky Bear

**Bucky Bear**

Steve watches his friend sleep for a long time. He’s always known how beautiful Bucky looks when his mind is at peace but now it’s impossible to drag his gaze away. Steve’s anxious to check on the bullet wound but Bucky really needs to rest. The sprint through Red Hook has left Steve completely shattered and in so much pain, he can hardly think straight. When he’s satisfied Buck is still breathing, Steve leaves him splayed on the couch and heads out to make a call.

Buck’s sketchy healing factor only makes Steve more determined to find answers. Instinctively reaching out to the only person he can think of who has any chance of solving the mystery. Banner might be a bit touchy if he gets asked about the serum, but Bruce seems a lot more chilled lately and they need help. Steve can barely spell biochemistry let alone master its wonders. Bruce picks up within seconds and doesn’t even seem surprised Steve called. There’s a split second of doubt now he’s not sure who he can trust but he’s out of options.

Steve tells Banner he can’t risk coming back to headquarters right now. He doesn’t try to explain and Bruce doesn’t ask. He already heard one of their most wanted escaped SHIELD custody and he’s bright enough to make the connection. He ends the call with the promise he’ll get back to Steve soon as he’s done some digging. Bruce suspects it’s no coincidence that Steve never asked about the serum before the Soldier resurfaced and there’s only one link between them. Both of their bodies were frozen.

A couple of hours pass Banner by in the lab trying to figure it all out but he can work much faster if he snags a blood sample. He leaves an urgent message for Steve to meet him down at Bridge Park in case they’re being watched. Something Steve’s suspected since a phantom sniper tried to plug Buck full of lead.

Steve changes real quick and sneaks out. He hates having to leave Buck alone again but it’s not like he’s going anywhere.

Steve covers up in a gray jacket with the hood pulled up to divert attention but Bruce would know those shoulders anywhere and sits down next to him. The park is quiet and there’s no one else about but Steve’s silence suggests he’s dreading questions he’s not sure he can answer.

“I got one theory.” Bruce says eventually. It’s viable, but Cap probably won’t want to hear it. Steve just waits, his hands twisted together. “I need to do more tests but I think it’s related to freeze thaw.” Steve’s head flicks up. “There’s some analytical research suggesting repeated cycles of it can alter chemical composition. Basically, organic molecules break down and form these things called free radicals.” Steve is staring at him with his mouth open so Bruce feels compelled to summarize. “It’s bad.”

Steve’s head is throbbing from all those long words but he gets the general idea.

“But I was never in cryo.”

“I know.” That link to the Soldier explains the real reason Steve looks so worried. “But you were in the ice a long time.”

“Can you fix it?” It’s so innocently sweet, it makes Bruce want to help him.

“Maybe. But this isn’t just about you, is it?” Steve stares at his hands. “Like, just for instance.” Banner tries, hoping Steve takes the hint. “If I can get a sample of blood from someone else who took the serum - ”

“But that only leaves the Winter Soldier.” Steve cuts in.

“Well, like I said.” Bruce is watching him closely. “Just for instance.”

Steve really wants to spill out the truth but something holds him back.

“What do those radical things do?”

Banner isn’t exactly taken in by Steve’s transparent redirection but he humors him anyway.

“If cells get bombarded by them it can cause degeneration, aging. Might affect the recovery process.” Bruce checks out Steve’s reaction from the corner of one eye.

“So it wouldn’t heal right if someone took a bullet? You know.” Steve hesitates. “Like, just for instance.” Banner doesn’t need his Ph.D to guess where the Winter Soldier is hiding.

“Probably not. But for sure, he’s never going to make it if they take him back to Hydra.” Steve feels his heart pound. “I won’t snitch.” Bruce smiles, but his eyes are serious. “I know Barnes means a lot to you.” He feels duty bound to warn Steve about what might happen to his friend if he ever gets recaptured. “Every time they stick him in cryo it’s like playing Russian roulette. Sorry.” Banner nudges Steve’s shoulder. “No pun intended. It’s hard to say how much damage that process has done to him at the molecular level.” Steve gapes at him a second time. “Biological compounds get broken down. There’s no way to predict how many times they can get away with it before his body just gives up.” Steve isn’t expecting anything so cataclysmic and his chest gets tight. Despite how scared he is for Bucky, putting his faith in Bruce is the best chance Steve has at making sure he heals up. “Maybe it just needs jump starting.”

“How?” Steve asks. Bruce’s theory sounds impossible. Except nothing else could really explain why he’s felt like so much shit lately. But keeping Bucky safe means more to him than whatever he’s dealing with. If the Hydra version is based on the Super Serum, he’s got to know if there’s any way Bucky might suffer the same fate. Steve knows he’s been hit with at least one bullet. “Can you slow it down? Reverse it, maybe?” Steve is desperate.

Bruce hasn’t the heart to make a promise he doesn’t think he can keep but he has to give Steve something. He looks completely broken.

“Knowing what’s in the serum would help.” Bruce doesn’t think getting his hands on an original formula is even a possibility until Steve gasps in a breath when a recent memory suddenly comes back to him.

“Fury said they got a tip about some red book.”

“What’s in it?”

Steve shrugs.

“I think it must have been something to document the Winter Soldier Project. Perhaps it has the formula in there. It’s worth a shot. I need him to get better, Doc.” Steve adds softly. “He has no one but me.”

“Then he’s a very lucky man.” Bruce gives his arm a sympathetic pat. “I’ll drop by tomorrow to collect some samples.”

“Thanks.”

Bucky is awake by the time Steve gets back to his apartment.

“Hey.” Steve is breathless and flushed. “How you feeling?”

“I don’t care about a stupid bullet wound, Steve.” He doesn't know how to respond to affectionate concern so Buck dismisses him. “Not like it’s the first.” Emotional scars are the ones that won’t heal. And if Steve’s held on to the memory of him for so long, the damage is already done. Buck’s not sure either of them can ever come back from that.

“Let me see.” Steve is already kneeling over him and peeling up his shirt. Steve leans in so close, Bucky can feel want stir inside him. Tempted to drag Steve down on top of him. Studying him in silence while he gets checked over. A strange sense of relief washing over Steve when he realizes that second shot must have gone wide. Thankful Buck was targeted by a sniper who can’t aim for shit. “Well. I think you’ll live.”

“Damn straight. I’ll be back up and kicking some serious ass in no time.” Steve is still so close and the memory of his lips is a temptation that's hard to resist.

“I don’t doubt it.” Steve smiles down at him. “Long as you don’t do anything too energetic.”

“Actually.” Bucky reaches up to slink both hands around Steve’s hips. “I’ve had a hard on since you kissed me.” Steve isn’t expecting anything so direct and just hovers over him with his mouth open.

Buck eases himself up and tries to stand but he's still so weak and light-headed Steve moves him to the bedroom so he can lay down. Bucky stops dead when he sees what’s lying on the bed. It’s not the uniform folded neatly on the edge that takes his breath away. Buck spots something resting on the pillow that makes his stomach twist. There’s a little plush bear in a blue and red costume. Its eyes covered by a black domino mask. A hazy image from the war comics surfaces in his head but that memory is just a painful reminder of what he used to be. Bucky irreverently grabs it by one leg and holds it upside down.

“What’s this shit?”

Steve mumbles something incoherent and rubs one hand across the back of his neck.

“It’s er - ” Steve murmurs the response even though he’s dying inside. “A Bucky bear.” He makes a sudden grab for it, heat warming his cheeks. Steve is burning with shame and he swears Buck is enjoying every second of watching him squirm. Buck can see he’s hit a sensitive spot.

“And they still sell stuff like this?” Bucky asks in disbelief.

“Not exactly.” Steve admits quietly. “I had it made.”

That seems to throw Bucky for a minute. He examines the bear for a little too long when his expression suddenly gets serious.

“And you sleep with it?” Steve’s humiliated silence is the only answer Buck needs. “I guess you really had a thing for this guy, huh?” Steve can feel his heart thud while they just stare at each other. Yep - and he still does. _That guy is you_ , _idiot_. Is what he really wants to say. Steve takes a deep breath and folds instead.

“I guess so.” Bucky puts the bear back on Steve’s pillow and collapses on the bed. Not sure which of them is blushing the hardest. Steve just sits down next to him despite how much he wants to cuddle right up. “Buck?” Steve tries hesitantly. “Do you think someone set you up to be captured?” Bucky doesn’t really know for sure but doubt picks at the edge of his memory.

“Maybe.” Buck grumbles sleepily. “I can’t remember.” His body aches and now he’s so frustrated on two separate levels, it makes him irritable.

“You have to. It’s important.” Steve’s not sure why that provokes such a hostile response but he can almost see the switch flick in his head.

“Why do you keep bugging me about stuff I don't know? You’ve been trying to get inside my head since you tagged me for adopt-an-assassin day.” His bitterness is practically tangible. Steve supposes playing dirty is second nature. Getting in a couple of cheap shots when the guard drops. He just sighs and looks away. Bucky couldn’t be more wrong. But Steve’s still in so much pain. It’s late, and honestly - he’s just too damn tired to put up a fight.

“No I haven’t.”

Bucky struggles to sit up. One hand flying to his side when pain sears through his body. Steve reaches out to try and comfort him but Bucky pulls away.

“What exactly do you want from me, Steve?”

“Nothing.” Steve says honestly. He’s been without Buck for so long, there are no expectations. But maybe he just can’t put it into words. “I don’t know.”

“Whatever it is. I can’t promise I still have it to give.” There’s such a mess inside his head, Bucky knows he’ll only let Steve down. Probably sooner rather than later. He deserves better and the last thing Buck wants is to hurt him.

“It’s fine.” Steve is fighting to hide his disappointment. “Sleep here tonight. We can talk about it in the morning.”

“Steve - ” As much as he wants to let himself be cosseted, Buck knows he has to go and turns away from the hope in Steve’s eyes. “You know I can’t stay.”

“What? 'Course you can.” He chokes out. It’s painful how needy he sounds but he’s in love and desperately insecure when it comes to Buck.

“Fucks sake. You always do that.”

“Do what?” Steve is so confused now, he has no idea what he’s supposed to say.

“Tell me what I want. Who I am.” Bucky is glaring at him with that icy stare again and Steve can feel the panic rise.

“I’m trying to help you.”

“No you’re not.” Buck sneers. Suddenly consumed by a sick feeling of guilt for craving the love he knows he doesn’t deserve as Winter. “You just want to help your buddy, your Bucky.” It’s poison but Buck just refuses to admit he’s jealous of a memory Steve could never let go of. Struggling with emotions that have been gone for so long. Bucky can’t explain it but he feels like a ghost of someone Steve used to love.

“Buck - ” Steve is almost speechless at how someone who got his brain windexed every other week could possibly hold on to an emotion like that. His chest is heaving and there’s a wildness in his eyes Steve can’t identify until Bucky grabs Steve by the shirt and pulls him into a crushing kiss. The way it makes him feel is intense and terrifying but there’s something that always draws him back to Steve. “You sure about this?”

“No.” Buck whispers. “But I think I wanna try.”


	11. Bad Blood

**Bad Blood**

Steve just holds on to Buck while one hand slinks under his shirt and up his back. Sliding over warm skin when Bucky pushes his body closer. This is all Steve’s ever wanted but it has to be forever. His heart can’t take that pain again.

“Do you mean it?”

Buck hesitates, not sure how much commitment he can give.

“I don’t know what I mean.” He thought this was what Steve wanted but doubt starts to creep back in. Not sure anyone could really care about someone like him. “But I think I want this.” So much of their history is lodged somewhere in his brain and he desperately wants to remember. Steve is a specimen, for sure. He’s cute, has a heart and carries a shield. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Bucky eases Steve onto his back and kisses him again. There’s a quiet desperation in the way rough fingertips dig into his skin, the little moans of arousal that pour into Steve’s mouth every time a slick tongue dives between his lips. Steve is pinned down by Bucky’s hips, his dick pressing into Steve’s thigh. But the pain in his side is so bad he’s struggling to stay hard.

“I want this too. But you’re still hurting, Buck.” Steve reluctantly slides out from underneath him. “Try and get some sleep.” A rush of warm comfort floods his veins at the sight of Bucky stretched out on his bed. “And don’t squish my bear.”

Bucky spreads out on his back and watches the movement of Steve’s hands with interest. Imagining what they would feel like moving over his body.

“Fuck your bear.” Buck’s mouth twitches at one corner. “Strike that. You actually might.”

“Shut up.” Steve launches a pillow at his head. Still confused by how Buck can flip his emotions so easily. Hydra took so much of him already, maybe he just needs to feel like he has some kind of control over his own mind. Bucky laughs under his breath when he settles on his back and closes his eyes. Steve can’t stop himself from reaching out to hold his hand. “Does this mean you’re staying?” Steve squeezes Buck’s fingers, and waits.

“What you staring at?”

“Nothin'.” Steve tilts his head. “Just looking.”

“Like what you see?” Buck smirks him but he’s not used to so much positive attention. He was sort of going for romantic but he’s hopelessly out of his depth.

“You’re alright.” Steve hums. “Now go to sleep before I change my mind about taking you in.”

Bucky turns onto his side and curls up. Steve can’t see his face but he knows he’s smiling.

Buck’s still out of it by the time morning filters in. Steve hasn’t slept much. Most of the dark hours spent by Buck’s side just to make sure he’s okay. He doesn’t have to wait long for Banner to arrive. Steve wasn’t expecting him so early and it only ramps up his anxiety that Bruce is prepared to make house calls before sun-up. Steve lets him in with a finger pressed to his lips to let him know Bucky’s still asleep.

“Must be serious.” Steve shuts the door and gestures for Bruce to take a load off.

“I’ll know more when I get a look at the blood samples.”

Banner doesn’t sit and Steve knows when he’s being sidelined.

“Do you know what’s wrong with me?” Steve pushes for something more solid. “I just don’t heal like I used to. 'Specially since I got busted up in training. Barely made it across Brooklyn.”

Bruce doesn’t know for sure but he’s got enough experience in the lab to hazard a decent guess, and Steve deserves the truth.

“Remember what I told you in the park?” Steve nods but he doesn’t really understand the implications. “I still believe being frozen is critical but I’m starting to think it might be linked to the Hayflick Limit.” Bruce adds. “Cells are usually programmed to die after so many divisions. Nerd terms - I think the serum must have prohibited the apoptosis.”

“Dude.” Steve stops him. “Just for a second, let’s pretend I skipped biology class.”

“It’s why you never aged. Always healed when you got hurt. It made you superhuman if you like. Same goes for your friend.”

“Bucky.” Steve corrects.

“Bucky.” Banner shifts uncomfortably. “Yes, of course.” He doesn’t know much about the Winter Soldier and can’t pretend to be thrilled about meeting him. “The cells just aren’t regenerating like they do when you’re hopped up on serum.”

“So that’s why you need both of us?”

“Yes. I have to get a look at that formula, Steve. But I heard your Soldier is paranoid, unstable. I need him to work with me on this. You sure he’s up for it?”

Steve senses a shadow at his side. Buck is leaning up against the wall with both arms folded across his chest. Defensive and pissed.

“Anyone wanna tell me what’s going on when you’re all done discussing me?”

“I didn’t want to wake you.” Steve answers. Not sure why he feels like he should apologize for it. “You need sleep.”

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Buck says bluntly. Sliding suspicious eyes towards Banner. “Who’s that?”

Bucky doesn’t make a move but he’s still on edge like he’s waiting for someone to get the jump on him. Acting on instinct has become a habit. He doesn’t look so dangerous without the mask and Bruce is fascinated by the mechanics of his cyber arm. If Steve trusts him enough to take him in then he must see something worth saving. But James Barnes is still a wanted criminal and Banner can’t ignore it.

“A friend.” Steve answers. “He needs a sample to see why you’re not healing right.”

“Are you serious?” Bucky frowns. “Don’t you think I lost enough blood already?”

Steve quickly moves to his side, and all Banner can see is how much he cares for him.

“You’re lucky you’ve still got some if Hydra sent someone after you.” Steve glances anxiously at Banner. Hoping Buck doesn’t think he over-shared.

“That wound is never gonna heal right if we don’t do something.”

“Oh, well.” Bucky sighs. “When you put it like that. No.”

“Come on, Buck.” Steve is blinking up at him - and damn those blue eyes. “Please. For me.”

Buck heaves in a tortured breath and holds it. Not sure when he started taking orders from Captain America. He waits with his arm out. Bruce quickly moves in before the Soldier changes his mind. Steve hates that Buck must be so used to pain, someone jabbing him with a huge needle feels like nothing more than a scratch.

Despite his reluctant compliance, Steve can tell Buck is getting edgy. Probably like he did at the Hydra base when he was just another experiment. Being prodded and poked is a memory he’s trying hard to forget but Banner isn’t done.

“Now we just need to get that bullet out.”

Buck pulls away.

“That’s not happening.”

“What?”

“Did I stutter?”

“Stop it, Buck. He’s just trying to help.”

Bucky still refuses to let anyone near him and Banner intends to head back to the lab to get a better look at the blood samples. Buck makes do with a couple of Tylenol that only make him drowsy again. 

“I’ll come back.” Bruce whispers. “He needs rest and someone to care for him while his body heals naturally. If it can.” Steve is happy to make sure he gets shedloads of both.

Back at base, Fury is trying to mop up the mess left by the Winter Soldier. Solidarity is already starting to splinter and Steve’s little stunt only stirred more dissent after the disaster of the Sokovia Accords. Hawkeye doesn’t want anything to do with them. He joined the team because he believes in justice. Vigilante or otherwise. Something about that document just doesn’t sit right. Clint knows what it’s like to love completely and understands why Steve wants to protect his friend. Save someone he cares for from being shafted for crimes he probably didn’t commit. Hawkeye never pegged Rogers for a maverick, but Nat saw it coming.

Steve’s cell vibrates and he answers on instinct.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Sorry?” Steve blinks.

“Have you got him?” Nat has no filter on a good day but now she’s mad at him for taking such a risk, she can’t hide the edge to her voice. “Steve.” Nat says again. “Have you?”

"You know I have.” Steve replies.

“You’ve got to turn him in.” Natasha urges. “Fury is out for your blood.”

Steve stares at the puncture mark on his arm.

“He’s not the only one.”

"What?”

“Nothing.” Steve lets it go. “I just need some time. I have to help Buck remember who he really is. He doesn’t deserve this.”

"He’s not the victim here, Steve. He’s a killer.”

“But he didn’t know what he was doing.”

“And you don’t know Soviet bullshit like I do, Steve. They’re not going to let you ride off into the sunset with the best weapon they got. Dumb luck like that won't last forever."

“Then I’ll just have to keep tempting Fate until she runs out of ammo.”

“God, you’re a stubborn asshole.”

“It’s been said. Nat, do you know why someone would want to hurt him?”

“You mean are there any SHIELD agents that don’t have your Soldier’s best interests at heart?”

“You know, you maybe shouldn’t be so sarcastic all the time. You’re really not very good at it.” Steve smiles when he hears her breathing hard through the silence. “I don’t get why someone would set him up just to try and take him out. It makes no sense.”

“Unless - ” Nat says slowly. “If he was sent in on a mission, it must have been a bust the second you got him out. Could be there’s a sleeper agent here. Now they want him back so they can wipe out everything you’ve done.”

“Then that’s even more reason to look out for him.” Steve means that with everything he has.

“You’re not responsible for him.” Nat argues. “And you’re putting your own position on the line just by helping him. I know that tip was shady as fuck but you can’t expect Fury not to act on it. Not to mention what he’s gonna do to you. It was stupid, Steve. Stupid and reckless.”

“I just wanted to make sure he was safe, Nat. I owe him that.”

“I know you believe that. But it’s going to leave bad blood here, Steve. I don’t know how the hell you can convince him you want to stay as an Avenger.” There’s a second of telling silence. “Oh my God, you don’t.”

“It’s not that.” Steve says quietly. “I just don’t want to put Bucky at risk anymore."

Natasha can’t ignore Winter’s reputation.

“And who’s going to protect you from him?”

“You’re wrong about him, Nat.” Steve replies. “If anyone finds out where he is, it makes him a target. All I ever wanted was to be with him. Every day I’ve put my ass on the line for the company - and for what? It never gave me the peace I have when Buck’s hand is in mine.”

“You’re really serious about getting out?”

“I don’t know, Nat.” Steve whispers. “Maybe.”

“You sure that’s what you want?”

Steve smiles softly to himself.

“I got a second chance with the only man I’ve ever loved. Why wouldn’t I want that?”

It’s hours later when Steve gets the call he’s been dreading. He puts it on speaker.

“Steve.” Bruce has done enough analysis to be sure. “We got a problem.”

“Another one?” Steve can feel his shoulders drop.

“It’s the blood. Cells are breaking down even faster than they normally would. If what I think about the freeze-thaw is true, Barnes is on borrowed time already. To have any chance of saving him, you need to get that book. But be careful who you bring in on this, Steve. I’m not sure who you can trust.”

“Nat said something about a sleeper agent.” Steve hints. “How could anyone know he was out?”

“Unless they were watching him the whole time.” Banner adds.

“Exactly. That’s the point.”

Buck stirs when the call ends. Steve can tell by the haunted look in his eyes, he’s been listening. But he doesn’t seem so defensive anymore. Just thoughtful.

“Maybe I am bad.” Bucky murmurs. “That’s why Hydra wanted me.”

“Buck. Don’t say that. Don’t you even think it.”

“I’ve done some terrible things.”

Steve drops and kneels between Bucky’s thighs.

“That wasn’t you, Buck. It was the man they turned you into.”

“I already told you, Steve. Not a man.” He says sadly. “A monster.”

Bucky really believes that, and Steve can feel his heart break for him.

“And I already told you. It wasn’t your fault.”

“But I did it.”

“I don’t care.”

Bucky squints at him. Nothing he can say seems to make the slightest dent in Steve’s faith in him and Buck can’t understand how he can still believe in a man he doesn’t really know anymore.

“Is all that true, Steve?” Bucky sighs. “I'm not strong enough.”

“Is that how you see it?” Steve gasps. “That’s got nothin' to do with it.”

“Sometimes I wanted them to wipe me.” Bucky admits. “So I could forget.” Steve gently reaches up to push away strands of hair hiding eyes that are so tired, of everything. "I'm so sorry you got dragged into this." 

“Bucky.” Steve shakes his head. Maybe he isn’t the only one feeling lost and alone in a strange new world. “I should be the one saying sorry.”

“For what?”

“Sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me.” Steve pulls Buck into his arms. “I’ll never let you down again, I swear. 'Cause I’m with you till the end of the line.”


	12. Release

**Release**

Bucky stares absently over Steve’s shoulder when something long forgotten sparks back to life in his head.

“End of the line.” He whispers. “That means something.”

“Yeah.” Steve gazes down at his hands when the memory of Bucky reaching out to grip his shoulder hurts more than it should after so many years. “It was something you promised me when I lost my mom. That you’d always be there for me.”

“I did?” Bucky murmurs, his eyes filled with shame. “Shit, Steve. I guess I didn’t exactly keep that one.”

“You couldn’t have known what would happen. I forgave you a long time ago.” Steve rubs the back of Bucky’s knuckles with his fingers. “Maybe it’s time to forgive yourself.” Bucky just hums through a tight mouth.

“I get that you see your friend in me, but I’m not sure you can.”

“Can what?” Steve asks in confusion. Sometimes Bucky’s thoughts are hard to follow when his mind flits effortlessly from Winter to the James Barnes he remembers.

“Save me.” Bucky glances up at him. “That’s what you’re trying to do. I know you.”

“Yes.” Steve can’t stop the huge smile from spreading. “You do.”

It scares Buck that they have such a profound history lying dormant in his subconscious. It makes him wonder what else they shared.

“Steve?” Buck says suddenly. “Did we ever? You know.” It takes Steve a second to realize he’s asking about sex.

“No.” Steve blushes. “Back at base. That was the first time you ever kissed me. I didn’t know if you wanted me like that.”

“So, now you do.” Buck goes quiet again. “I heard what your friend said about cryo.” Bucky shifts under Steve’s hands like the closeness is starting to make him nervous. Redirecting the conversation somewhere less terrifying. “I don’t suppose those fucks at Hydra are just gonna release me into the community. It’s only a matter of time before they catch up with me.” What Banner hinted at went unspoken but Steve guessed what he was thinking. The next wipe might be his last.

“I’m gonna fix it, Bucky. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not.” Bucky shrugs. “I don’t really feel much of anything.”

Steve hates how desolate he sounds. It’s a response he totally would have said as the Soldier but now Bucky has Steve to care for him, something’s different.

“He’ll find a way, Buck. I’ll find a way.” Steve stresses. “Even if I got to walk to Cleveland myself.”

There’s the familiar brooding silence that makes Steve anxious. It always seems to happen just before those eyes turn to ice again. Bucky just doesn’t understand the unwavering trust Steve has in him.

“Why do you care?”

Steve sits down next to him.

“I’ve told you a hundred times how important you are to me. Why don’t you believe me?”

“Because.” Bucky sighs. Like that somehow explains everything he feels inside. “I’ve done nothing good. Not for a long time.”

“Then it’s a chance to be better. I believe in you, Bucky. Always.” Having the man he loves so close and so alive only makes Steve emotional again and he knows that’s something Bucky can’t handle as Winter. His latest mission is to convince him to get that damn bullet out. “Stats check.” Steve blinks it away and gestures to the wound in his side. Bucky eases himself back to let him examine it and see if it’s healing. The touch of his skin is enough to get Steve’s blood pumping. Buck is thick in all the right places. He’s still sore and dotted with bruises but they’re fading. The real damage is always concealed just below the surface.

Selfless devotion is still so unfamiliar and he doesn’t know how he can possibly compete with Bucky fucking perfect Barnes. Twisted and romanticized in Steve’s head just because he thought he was dead and never had the chance to disappoint. Something the Winter Soldier is going to find it impossible to live up to. Bucky doesn’t get it that Steve loves him just the way he is. Scars and all.

Steve rucks up Bucky’s shirt. His fingertips graze the torn flesh so gently, Bucky can’t do anything but stare at the way they caress his skin. He wants Steve’s affection more than he’s wanted anything in years but the superficial reflection of himself is always there. Tormenting him.

“I would have done it, you know.” Bucky says softly. He isn’t used to sharing but Steve’s genuine concern seems to dig out all the shit he’s tried to bury since he got taken in. “If I had the chance.”

Steve’s heart thuds.

“What do you mean?”

“Taken myself out.” Steve’s fingers tremble against him. It’s heartbreaking to think he wanted to end all the pain in the handful of lucid moments when he wasn’t a slave to someone else’s control. Buck doesn’t know why he feels the way he does. Maybe it is depression spawned by guilt every time he remembers all the blood and violence. His mental and physical scars are so deep, Steve isn’t sure Buck is ever going to be the man he used to be but that doesn’t mean he’s going to stop trying. Steve hesitantly traces his hands up Bucky’s arms and hitches up a sleeve. Reverently running his fingers over the raised skin where metal joins his shoulder. Bucky’s breath catches in his throat when he shivers at the sensation. Wondering how Steve can even bear to touch it. “I know you want to help me.” Bucky can’t look into eyes filled with so much admiration he doesn’t deserve. “Truth is. I’m not worth it.”

“Your truth, Buck.” Steve smiles. “Not mine.” He carefully reaches up to stroke the scar. The little branches are still angry and pink but Steve doesn’t care. “You’re still beautiful to me.” Bucky pulls away and closes his eyes. “Say something in Russian.” Steve says quietly.

“What?”

“You heard me.” Steve isn’t usually that forward but his lips are parted and ready. His eyes are so seductive, Buck’s defenses are starting to collapse. “Please.”

Bucky thinks about it for a second while he looks Steve up and down. Giving in to the sudden impulse to reach behind him and grab a handful of his butt.

“у тебя милая задница.”

“Do I even want to know?” Steve pushes back against the wandering hands. He has zero experience at getting laid but he’s hoping Buck will be the one to help him find his inner porn star.

“Probably not.” Buck dares a little smile and lays down on his back. Steve snuggles in next to him. He can see Buck’s pulse throb in his neck and his chest is heaving with little gasps like he’s scared to get so close. Steve never tagged him as insecure but he’s suddenly breathing hard, one hand resting on his stomach. His fingers curl into his shirt where its pooled up over his waist.

“Bucky?” Steve reaches up to touch his face. Swamped by a pulse of desire that slinks down his spine when rough stubble yields beneath his fingertips. “Do you want to? Feel something, I mean.”

“Maybe.” Bucky is suddenly rigid with anticipation. His body wants it but his mind has to move past all the bullshit and let Steve in. It’s been so long since someone touched him like that. Making do with satisfying himself in the dark when he’s not spaced out on mind control. Steve aimlessly plays with Bucky’s zipper and waits for him to freak out and pull away - but he doesn’t.

“Does it hurt?”

Bucky shakes his head even though the bullet wound still stings like a bitch. He’s way too distracted by Steve’s mouth to care.

Steve slowly traces a finger down the metal bumps and palms at the growing bulge Bucky doesn’t even try to hide. Steve gets his pants undone and slips one hand inside to free his dick. Drawing a moan from Bucky’s lips when soft fingers rub against the solid weight in Steve’s hand. He can feel it’s already hot and wet at the tip.

Bucky drags Steve into a kiss and shoves one hand down the back of his shorts. Kneading the soft flesh of his ass and yanking him closer while he licks inside his mouth. Steve pulls on him gently at first. Just to draw out every last breathless moan Buck skims across his tongue. He steps up the pace. Buck’s dick is throbbing and getting harder every time Steve slides his hand to the base. Twisting his palm against the shaft and smearing Buck’s arousal over the end with his thumb. Bucky has his eyes closed, his mouth dropped open in pleasure and Steve has waited a lifetime to see him like this. He never imagined how perfect it would feel to have warm skin pressed against his own. And pumped as he is, Steve’s always wanted Bucky to take control. Satisfy a need to feel dominated in all the right ways. Protected and cared for by a man who loves him.

He can feel Bucky’s rhythm falter when he spurts a jet of precum over Steve’s fingers. Body juddering when the warning tingle starts to rush up through his belly. Steve watches the glide of his hand. His own dick is rock hard and leaking but this is all for Buck. He slides one finger underneath him and gently rubs the tip against his hole. By the pornographic noise Buck makes, Steve is pretty sure he likes that so he presses harder against the sensitive skin. His balls twitch and Steve knows he’s close.

Bucky’s hips snap up again but he’s fighting it. Sex is a connection. Intimacy. Something he doesn’t know how to deal with.

“It’s alright.” Steve leans into him and Bucky can feel warm breath skate across his cheek. Steve pumps his hand fast and tight around his dick. “Let it come, Buck.” Steve slows for a second to circle the tip with his finger, hypnotized by the way it pulses in his hand. Bucky is moaning low and long when Steve resumes the relentless pace that’s going to make him come. Steve knows how much he needs the release. With one last jerk of his hips, his body tenses. Clutching desperately for anything he can reach and nipping hard at his lip when he shoots all over his stomach.

Steve goes to check his mail and leaves Buck resting on the bed. Basking in the afterglow of the most explosive orgasm he’s ever had.

Steve is humming away to himself, happier than he’s been in years. His peace is shattered by an unexpected rap on the door. Natasha is waiting on the other side when he finally pulls it open.

“What are you doing here?” Steve looks so horrified to see her, she kind of takes it personally.

“Good to know you’ve missed me. I’m checking up on you.” Nat marches past him without waiting for an invitation. “Bruce shot me a message. Said there’s something wrong with your Soldier.”

“Nat.” Steve sighs. “Too many people know about this already.”

“I’m not many people, Steve.” He can hear the hurt in her voice. “I’m your friend. And Bruce told me because he trusts me. I was kind of hoping you did too.”

“I do.” Steve says honestly. “'Course I do. Banner thinks something’s going on with the serum, is all.”

“Believe me.” Nat says seriously. “That’s the least of it. The director is pissed, Steve.”

“What did you tell him?” Steve asks fearfully.

“The same thing I’m going to tell you. That it doesn’t seem to matter what Barnes does. You’re always going to drop the shield for him.” Steve can’t say a word in his defense. Because she’s right.

Nat wanders through the apartment in search of him while Steve puts on a pot of coffee. She reaches the bedroom and is suddenly staring at the Soldier with a little more intensity than he’d like. Bucky doesn’t say a word when his gaze drifts up to her. Something in his eyes has definitely changed but she still doesn’t trust him. Natasha didn’t go in there with the intention of ripping Winter apart but when she sees him looking a bit too comfortable stretched out across Steve’s bed, she needs a release. No one knows what his true agenda is. If it’s really safe for Steve to be alone with him.

“See you’ve made yourself at home.” Her expression is so blank, Bucky is straight on the defensive.

“For the record, it wasn’t my idea.” Bucky replies coldly. “Steve insisted. But don’t worry. I’m not staying.”

“Yes you are.”

“Sorry?”

“Steve wants you here and you’re not going to abandon him again. You’re the only thing he ever talks about.”

“Then he needs a hobby.” Bucky spits out. Making out he left on purpose pricks at his conscience. He knows Steve sometimes thinks of it that way. Buck really wishes he could get a do-over.

“You really don’t get it, do you?” Nat exhales in annoyance. Not sure what Steve sees in him. “He’s been sweet on you since before he even took that damn serum. And if having you here makes him happy, then you’re going to give him that. But I promise you, Barnes.” Natasha warns. “If you hurt him, I’ll hand you over to Hydra myself.” Bucky is stunned into silence but Nat presumes he’s pleading the Fifth. “Are we clear?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He gives her a little salute and Nat isn’t sure if it’s genuine or if he’s just an asshole. She leaves him alone again. Buck isn’t trying to be a putz. He’s struggling to accept Steve has loved him all that time. And thinking is dangerous when he remembers what it feels like to have Steve’s hand on his dick. Bucky knows he wants that again. And more.

But he doubts how much happiness he can really hope to have with Steve when he’s hunted by every government department on record. The last thing Bucky wants is to break Steve’s heart but the Winter Soldier is hardly relationship material. Better if they just end it all right here before anyone else gets hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> у тебя милая задница : U tebya milaya zadnitsa : You have a cute ass


	13. Enemy Of The State

**Enemy Of The State**

By the time Steve returns with a cup in each hand Nat is already making for the door. His mouth drops open in confusion.

“You’re leaving?”

Nat tries to smile but she’s so worried about Steve’s growing attachment to the Soldier, she doesn’t know what to say and closes it behind her in silence. Steve makes his way back to the bedroom and Buck realizes his pants are still undone.

“Something I said?”

Steve sets down the coffee and settles next to him again.

“Sorry.” He sighs. “Nat means well.”

“She seems to think I’m a bad influence on you.” Bucky makes a point of pulling up his zipper. Steve dips to press another kiss to his mouth.

“I’m counting on it.”

Bucky can’t deny how much he’s starting to crave Steve’s touch and that alone makes him dangerous. But all Buck’s restraint goes to shit when he can’t stop himself from kissing back. Steve is soft and warm and he tastes so good, it’s addictive. Bucky is helpless to resist the little gasps he can draw out every time their lips touch. His hands move to rest on Steve’s hips when he finally pulls away.

“You staying, then?” Steve asks hopefully. Bucky bites at his lip.

“Maybe. But I don’t want this if it’s just because you think you owe me something.” Buck hates that he even cares.

“It’s not.” Steve says quickly. Maybe once it felt like that but now he’s more in love with Winter than he ever was with a fading memory. “Nat’s only being like that 'cause everyone down at base thinks I don’t give a shit about the job anymore.”

“And do you?”

Steve threads his fingers through Buck’s where they rest heavy on his thigh.

“Let’s just say it’s no longer my priority.”

Something stirs again when Steve gazes up at him with those stupid doe eyes that do nothing to help his dick stay limp. Bucky can’t forget the warning Nat gave him but judging by the way Steve’s looking at him, it’s already too late.

“What happened to Captain America?” Bucky asks slowly.

“You know, I always tried to do what’s right and I feel good in that uniform, I do. But it’s not all I want to be.” Steve can’t believe he’s actually going to say it but it comes anyway. “I want to be somebody to you.” Bucky tenses under his touch. Fuck. He doesn’t do this. But the way Steve smiles at him makes his insides melt.

“Steve.” Buck swallows around the lump in his throat. “I appreciate you getting me out an' all, but maybe this isn’t such a good idea.” It doesn’t even sound sincere in his head and Buck doesn’t expect the thought of hurting Steve to make him feel so sick. He’s still nothing but a soldier and Steve deserves someone who can love him back. Bucky’s not sure he has that in him anymore. “I should go.”

Steve tries to ignore how much it stings that Buck waited to get jerked-off before deciding to split.

“But where would you go?” Steve murmurs, dipping his head so Bucky can’t see the shine in his eyes. It’s a fair question. Buck knows Steve’s all he has.

“That’s not your problem.” Bucky slides his hand free. “That’s what I’ve been trying to get through to you.”

“'Course it is.” Steve’s rosy perspective of reality is relentless. “You’re my friend.”

“It’s hard for me to understand that when I don’t remember.”

“Then tell me what you want.” Steve reaches for Bucky’s hand again and this time he doesn’t pull away. “I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s broken.”

"Like I do?" Buck is getting frustrated and there's too much doting concern in Steve's voice not to freak him out. "You were the one that said Hydra wanted me on the inside. I don’t know why. They only thawed me out to give me an order. The only thing I remember is you were my mission.”

“You’ve always been mine.” Steve says it with so much heart, even Buck manages a little smile. Steve eventually passes out with exhaustion and Bucky slips off his jacket without thinking. He drapes it over his chest and even half-asleep Buck’s scent makes him snuggle into it. Bucky’s never had a chance before to really look at him, and Steve is beautiful. Watching the flit of his eyelashes while he's dreaming kicks out a memory of that scrawny kid threatening to pop a lung every time he took a breath. Bucky thinks he must have always wanted him, and before he realizes what he's doing his fingers brush against the soft tips of blond hair.

"Stevie." Buck murmurs fondly. It's the closest he’s ever come to genuine emotion since he got dumped into the program. He leans in a little closer than he means to and Steve stirs. The memory is gone when he blinks awake.

"What you doing?"

“Nothin'.” He doesn’t really have the right to be so defensive just because Steve caught him drooling. Psyching himself up to say something profound when he’s saved from disaster by a message from Banner. Steve drags out his cell but he’s not sure how to answer. It’s a simple instruction. _Bring him in_.

Bruce needs Bucky in the lab if they stand any chance of saving him.

His first thought is to tell him where to shove it but now Steve is desperately torn between the need to help Bucky recover and the desire to keep him off the federal radar. He only just managed to get him out alive. Whatever happens to Steve is collateral damage he's prepared to take, but he can’t risk taking Bucky back there unless Banner swears he’ll be safe. Hoping he can still show his face at SHIELD without someone wanting to rip it off. Steve can only imagine the battering his credibility has taken since their Soldier went missing. When they finally get to headquarters Banner sneaks them into the lab without setting off another alarm.

“Sorry it took so long.” Steve helps Bucky to a slab. “I wasn’t sure we should come.”

“You want him to get better, don’t you?”

“'Course. But I screwed up.” Steve sighs. “Nat’s not talking to me. Hawk thinks I’ve lost my damn mind and everyone in here knows I’d throw away my star in a heartbeat to make sure Bucky’s okay.”

"And have you ever stopped to think about whether you're okay? Nobody likes a martyr, Steve. Does your friend know what you’re risking for him?”

“He knows.” Steve says gently. “But Buck’s been the Winter Soldier for so long it’s gonna take time for him to recover. I’m more worried about him getting sick. We both took that damn stuff without even asking what was in it. Buck didn't choose this. I did. You have to help him.”

“I will.” Bruce promises. “But I can’t just hack into people left and right. He needs proper medical care.”

Steve shakes his head.

“I can’t risk it. Please. Do what you can for him.”

“Fine.” Banner raises both hands in surrender. “Leave him, then.”

“Leave him?” Steve echoes in alarm.

“Yes. Not surprisingly, the director wants to see you. Don’t worry. Your Sergeant Barnes will be perfectly safe with me.”

Steve thinks he might actually pine away to dust if they have to be in separate rooms.

“Okay. But I’ll be back, and whatever you do, Buck.” Steve grins at Bruce. “Don’t make him angry.”

Steve can almost taste the amount of crap he’s in before he even gets to the office. He’s let down SHIELD and himself. Nothing he can say will ever justify it and Fury is done trying to humor him. He straightens up when Steve gets close like he can tap into some freaky sixth sense when someone pisses him off.

“You were the one who asked what we were trying to do here, so let me explain something to you. Again. Protect, Steve. That’s what we’re trying to do. You should have just left it well alone.”

“I tried that and someone beat the hell out of him when he was in ‘protective’ custody.” Steve bites back.

“This isn’t a fucking babysitting service.” Fury suddenly leans across his desk. “I told you that one was dangerous but you just had to get involved with him anyway.”

“I was already involved. I - ” Steve stops himself. If he ever says those three little words, Buck is going to be the first to hear them. “ - care about him.”

“No shit. Well, I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with you now. So get your damn Soldier patched up and then stay out of my way until I figure out how to clean up your mess. This is your last chance to put it right so either shut up and help me or just shut up.”

“I’ll do my best, Sir.” Steve says quietly. “Bucky remembered the last order they put in his head but we can’t figure out what it means.”

“We? So you’re a dynamic duo now? Trust me, you don’t want to take those bastards on. Hydra think they have some God given right to do whatever they want and to hell with anyone who gets in their way.”

“And what do they want?” Steve frowns. There’s still a treacherous shadow of doubt he just can’t shake that maybe Hydra still have control and Bucky really does have another agenda. To be betrayed by someone he loves so completely would be the end of him.

“Everything.”

Banner digs the bullet out and stitches Bucky up. Steve manages to smuggle him back to the apartment without bumping into a SWAT team. Helping strip Buck down so nothing sticks to his sutures. He already ditched the tac vest at base and doesn’t even put up a fight when Steve yanks up his shirt and peels it over his arms.

“I can undress myself, you know.” Bucky watches Steve from beneath messy hair but he still lets him do it. Steve can see the little changes in him every day that no one else would notice. Something softer in his eyes. The way he holds a gaze for longer than he ever has before. And Steve dares to hope he’s starting to reach the man Winter used to be. But that fragile happiness is tainted by what Banner said and all those fears are swirling around in his head. Steve is relieved they finally got that bullet out but something’s not right. He’s only satisfied when Buck is just skin and metal from the waist up. Steve could spend the rest of his life worshipping every last inch and still die happy. Remnants of dried blood are caked to his abs so Steve leaves him to take a shower.

Bucky is all he can think about lately and Steve needs to try and fill the time more productively. Anything to take his mind off the image of Bucky butt-naked in a haze of steam with rivulets of water dripping down the dip in his back. Steve blinks and shakes the erotic vision free. Adjusts himself and stares at his laptop while it sparks to life.

He decides to take another look at the original file Nat sent him. Not sure it’s important enough to warrant a second read but Steve has a hunch there might be something he can pass on to Banner about the serum. There’s got to be a hint in there if he squints. Get one over on the sick fucks who gave Buck the formula that’s made him so vulnerable. The information Bruce needs must be written down somewhere and the Soldier’s file is the best place to start. Steve spends the best part of an hour scanning the words until his eyes hurt. The Russian codes might as well be written in Asgardian runes for all the good it does him. He’s still trawling through it when he gets distracted by a string of curses that suggest Bucky’s out and in pain. Steve is about to give up for the night and shut it down when he senses a warm damp weight press against his back. Steve can feel Buck breathing heavy against his throat. A shiver of pleasure snakes down inside him when possessive hands tighten their grip on Steve’s shoulders. Arms slipping down to circle his waist. Suddenly Bucky needs to have the warmth of Steve’s body pushed up against him in the dark. The Soldier in him knows he can’t let anyone slip beneath his defenses. Damn it all anyway.

“я тебя хочу.”

“What?” Steve moans when a wet mouth caresses his skin and he can’t even think straight when Buck ignores him and licks a line up his neck until he’s high enough to nip at the tip of his ear. Buck moves around to straddle those perfect thighs and grind his ass into his lap. Steve closes his eyes and throws his head back with a blissed out smile. All Buck can do is look at him and drink it all in. Thoughts of what he wants to do to him make it feel like he’s committing a crime. He leans close and nuzzles at Steve’s cheek. Bucky finally knows what he wants and it isn’t a shiny new clip of ammo.

“Come to bed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> я тебя хочу : ya tebya khochu : I want you


	14. Shattered

**Shattered**

Steve stares back like he must have imagined that. But looking at the smoldering lust in Buck’s eyes, there’s no heterosexual explanation.

“Bucky.” Steve starts. He’s died a thousand times over waiting for this moment. All he’s ever wanted is to give himself to a man he’s loved for so long he can’t remember anything else but Steve still tenses when the warmth of Buck’s hands feel like fire on his skin.

Bucky doesn’t wait for whatever’s coming next. He can feel Steve grow hard underneath him and dips his head to press a soft kiss to those perfect lips. He doesn’t expect the uncertainty in the blue eyes that gaze back at him when he slowly pulls away. It’s not that Steve doesn’t want it. Definitely not that. He’s been in love with his best friend for decades but his sexual experience is - well. Bupkis.

Buck laps up how delicious Steve looks with his hair mussed up and his wet lips parted in anticipation but he isn’t going to pull a dick move and destroy the faith he never deserved in the first place.

“If you don’t want to, say it.” Buck catches Steve’s face in his hands and holds him there for a second. “You gotta tell me, okay?” Bucky draws in a breath, his heart pounding. Crippled by the sudden realization that the twist inside him isn’t desperation. It’s fear. It would hurt like hell if Steve rejects him now but he can’t fuck him if it’s a one-time deal. Steve has somehow chipped his way in and it’s terrifying. Steve blinks, his mouth moving around empty air. Suddenly launching himself forward to claim Bucky’s mouth with so much passion, it takes all his breath away. Forced to swallow words that never come when Bucky kisses him back. Steve is lost to the sensation when Buck licks inside his mouth and scrambles to lift him up. Steve needs him to dominate and Bucky is way ahead of him. He jerks Steve’s body up so his legs are wrapped around Buck’s hips like a vise. Both hands cup his ass when Bucky carries Steve to the bedroom with their mouths still glued together. Seamlessly melting into a single squirming mess of clingy hands and desperate tongues. He throws Steve down on the bed but Bucky hesitates when shame washes over him. Swamping his senses when all he can see is how much trust Steve has in him. Implicit and absolute. Bucky falters when insecurity slams him in the chest. Maybe Steve isn’t ready to open up for him completely yet. Inside and out. He instinctively takes one of Steve’s hands in his own to ground him and kisses it. Steve’s eyes are innocent and wide. Hoping so much tenderness isn’t just a beautiful illusion. He grips Bucky’s fingers tight when the other hand fumbles to ease down his pants. “Relax.” Steve is rigid in Buck’s embrace. “I would never hurt you.” There’s so much depth behind the fond blue eyes that meet his when Bucky drags the edge of one finger along the base of Steve’s stomach, he’s powerless to stop the fractured gasp that spills from his mouth when it drops open. Steve never thought Winter capable of affection, but it’s there. Hidden behind the tender kisses and the hushed promises that it’s going to feel so good. Buck dares to move in closer now Steve is soft and responsive. Like untouched clay ready for him to shape with hands that are sliding ever lower. Steve is suddenly shaking so hard, Bucky can tell he’s scared. “Steve?” Buck murmurs against his skin, yanking his shorts free. “Sure you’re okay?” Steve proffers a mute nod so Buck shimmies down his body and between his legs. Easing them apart with a confidence he doesn’t feel.

“It’s just - ” Steve bites at his lip. “I’ve never.” His cheeks flush pink. “Never done this before.”

Buck stares up at him in disbelief from the blissful shelter of solid thighs. He can’t understand why a god like Captain America never got his v-card punched. But Steve was always so in love with James Barnes, anyone else would be a shallow substitute. Being his first echoes in Buck’s head and pumps his ego but he doesn’t want to risk freaking the fuck out of him before he even gets to third base and puts him off sex for life.

Steve tilts his hips up when deft fingertips search for an opening. His breath comes fast in little bursts of anticipation. Layered over a canvas of excitement and fear all melded together to form a vision that leaves Buck enslaved to desire.

“Open your legs.” Bucky coaxes. All honeyed persuasion. And Steve does, but he’s trembling. Struggling to contain a lifetime of emotions when every caress on his skin feels like a silent promise of forever. Steve’s heart was lost to that pain every day without him but the memory is nothing compared to the reality of a slick touch and a thick cock digging into his naked thigh. Buck slides back up Steve’s body like a ravenous snake, still rubbing lightly at his hole when he peppers hot kisses down the side of his neck. Unruly strands of hair fall into Steve’s face, their tips brushing against his cheek. The closeness makes his breath catch and Steve’s dick jumps where it’s resting hard and hot against his stomach. Bucky slides both hands underneath him and squeezes the soft flesh of his ass with covetous fingers.

Bucky’s always wanted Steve like this. He’s sure of that now. Wishing he could remember just how much this man means to him. It’s impossible to resist such beautiful untouched temptation. Splayed wide and crying out to be claimed. All he can do is give as much of himself as Steve can take. Bucky soon finds what he’s looking for and carefully slips a fingertip inside. Staring at Steve’s mouth when the perfectly formed lips drop into a little circle as it curls inside him. Buck is aching to say something dirty and profane. Take Steve hard and mark him up inside. Bucky can feel the itch on his skin where damp beads settle in the dip of his back.

The Winter Soldier is on a new mission to break Steve apart. Inch by delicious sweat-covered inch. But the remnant of humanity in his heart lays bewitched by the way Steve writhes erotically in response to his touch. The twitch of his muscles under flawless skin every time Buck’s tongue hits a sensitive spot. Steve moans loud and long, one hand suddenly fisting in Bucky’s hair when a wave of pleasure darts down his stomach and slithers along his dick.

Bucky leans forward and runs his tongue down Steve’s stomach. Mouthing at the space above it. His knees drop apart and Bucky can only stare in awe when the tight little hole stretches in invitation. Buck can’t control himself any longer and cradles the pliant body to gently turn it over. He wants to taste him and bury his face in Steve’s warmth. He dips to lick a wet stripe along the line of his ass just to savor the heat. Bucky gives a little shake of his head to press his mouth closer and with a gentleness that betrays Winter’s reputation, Steve is slowly opened up when his body surrenders to the push of a determined tongue.

Bucky is so aroused now all he can manage are faint whispers of sweet incoherent nothings and Steve is suspended on the edge of ecstasy when they vibrate across his skin. Steve is murmuring his name like a prayer and Bucky can’t say anything in response. Not sure what this feeling is that makes his stomach flutter. He just wants. Wants with a desire he hasn’t felt in such a long time.

Bucky strokes Steve slowly until he can feel damp heat start to drip through his fingers and a little broken noise escapes when Steve snaps his hips back on instinct. Buck doesn’t hesitate to move in and steal another kiss.

“Good boy.” Bucky breathes into his mouth. Slipping his hand back up between Steve’s legs to play with his dick. “Gotta get that pussy nice and wet for me.” Steve doesn’t really understand what that means but Buck doesn’t care if he’s thrown himself over the line. Not anymore. “Because it’s mine.” The longing pours out before he can stop it. “I’m the only one that ever gets to touch you like this, Steve.” Bucky curses himself for even thinking it. Assassins don’t do possessive. Buck never meant to want Steve this bad. He tries to force away a stray thought that pulls at his conscience. Aimlessly wondering what Hydra would say if they could see him now. Even Bucky can’t see it yet. The soulless mercenary they molded into a mindless killing machine is falling in love.

Buck pushes himself up and takes himself in hand to guide his dick between the groove of Steve’s ass. Buck gasps in a breath and holds it until he sinks inside. They fit so easily together. Almost like Steve was crafted just for Bucky, his body arched enough to get a slam on his prostate every time he thrusts back in. Slowly drawing out a little each time so he can feel every squeeze when he slides home. Buck soon gets a decent rhythm going. It burns like hell but Steve takes it like a pro and it doesn’t take more than a few forceful jabs to get Steve moaning like a whore and begging for more. Bucky wiggles his butt until he’s seated so deep it unleashes every primal instinct. He edges Steve’s knees up to his chest just to get a perfect view of his body stretched around his dick. Steve is close and it makes him mushy. Hesitantly reaching up to curve his fingers around the metal bicep. He smiles softly and caresses the scar with his thumb. It’s so reverent and tender, Buck’s hips stutter when his eyes mist over.

“You alright?” Steve whispers quietly.

“Mˈfine.” Bucky chokes out. Abandoning budding emotions in favor of lifting up his body to hammer Steve at such a brutal angle, it leaves him gasping for air. Buck bangs him hard, fast and relentless. Both arms straight as ramrods while he pins Steve beneath him and watches his cock drive back in. Buck is so close it hurts and Steve instinctively pushes up to take as much dick as he can. Still whimpering his name in a litany that soon descends into a stream of broken pleas for Buck to fuck him harder. He’s holding an impossible pace and he’s not going to last. A sudden shiver assaults his senses without warning and his entire body thrums with white noise. “I’m gonna come.” Buck grunts, plunging in deeper just to make sure he keeps that promise. Steve feels him shudder and tense, screwing his eyes shut when he does and shooting into Steve so violently he can almost feel it filling him up. Buck gives him a last couple of jerky thrusts before collapsing on Steve’s chest with a satiated sigh. When he carefully pulls out, Steve inhales a sharp breath. Buck is still tingling and spilling the last dregs of a ball load onto Steve’s stomach when he senses a protective arm drift across his back to pull him close. Supplying a few lazy kisses until his stamina finally bails.

Steve stretches out on his back, his heart pumping hard with the thrill of finally knowing what it feels like to have Bucky settled deep inside him. His lashes flicker seductively with an expression so beautifully satisfied and warm, Buck would tear up the world to give him anything he wants. Steve is soft and captivating and might even come to love this broken excuse for a soldier no one else ever gave a shit about. Bucky doesn’t know how he’s going to feel when the testosterone wears off but for right now, it’s enough.

Bucky snuggles at Steve’s side despite every conditioned instinct screaming at him to run. Not that it’s really an option when Steve is holding him so tight it would take a crowbar to prise his body away. Everything Steve buried is finally set free now the man resting in his arms can help erase the pain he endured for so many years without him.

Steve only sees Bucky Barnes when he looks at the figure curled up against his chest. Sweat-shiny and flushed. He looks different somehow. Peaceful. Steve strokes the wild hair into submission and listens to the quiet thumping of Bucky’s heart as it pulses against his skin. Steve doesn’t think he’s ever wanted anything more. Prepared to do whatever it takes to keep Bucky here. Always.

Buck is sleepy and spent but he can’t deny how much he wants to stay. Let Steve love him. He sighs and closes his eyes. Shaking it off for the stupid dream it is. Bucky can’t let himself hope that maybe this time over it’s gonna be different. Maybe this time over it won’t all go to shit. But it will because the Winter Soldier doesn’t deserve to be this happy. Bucky’s heart feels just like all the resolve he tried so damn hard to hold on to.

Shattered.


	15. Falling

**Falling**

It’s completely black when Steve’s eyes slowly flicker open and just for a second there’s the familiar stab of panic at being alone in the dark. Conditioned by so many years of bad dreams replaying the same vision of Bucky falling. Always waking up in a cold sweat just before he hits the water.

But not tonight. Tonight there’s a warm hand stroking his back, deft fingers trailing up and down his spine while hot breath pulses against his neck. Bucky whispers a promise that vibrates across his skin.

“I could go again if you’re up for it.”

Steve smiles wide before he turns to find himself wrapped up in a strong embrace and willingly surrenders to a kiss. Bucky’s mouth is soft against his own. His tongue warm and wet when it slides between his lips.

“Like you have to ask.”

Buck grins into the kiss and grabs a handful of ass to force Steve onto his back so he can climb on top of him. Bucky slides both hands down the taut planes of Steve’s stomach. Gentle and affectionate.

“You’re fucking beautiful, you know.” Buck gasps in a breath like so much honest emotion slipped out before he could stop it. He can’t see Steve clearly in the dim light but his cheeks are flushed with color.

“Shut up, Soldier.”

Buck is suddenly straddling Steve’s hips but he’s not with it. Staring straight ahead, his eyes like polished glass. The man he once was always lets himself go whenever Steve’s close and now there’s something pulling at his gut. It’s dread and confusion and an emotion he just can’t deal with. Reluctant to admit the truth. He’s falling. Hard.

“Steve?” Buck murmurs.

Steve doesn’t know why he looks so scared. Refusing to give himself enough credit to believe a man like Winter truly cares about him. Putting it down to some kind of mental break. Steve can only imagine what horrors the Soldier’s seen but all Steve can think to do is try and bring him back from the darkness. He reaches up and grabs him by both wrists.

“Buck?” Steve shakes him. “Bucky?” Steve taps one hand across the side of his face. He has to do it a couple of times before he gets a reaction and it’s not the one he wants. Bucky blinks and jumps back. He tries to scramble away and there’s something on him that looks so much like fear, Steve instinctively reaches out. Buck edges away beyond the ends of Steve’s fingertips. His body casting a dark shadow where he stands unmoving in the doorway. He doesn’t speak another word and Steve can tell by the way his chest drags, his breath is coming fast and shallow. Buck is drowning. Trying to convince himself he doesn’t care about the concern in the eyes of a man he’s loved since he doesn’t remember when. Steve can tell he’s fixing to run. “Bucky, wait.” And Buck does, but he’s shifting restlessly like he’s going to bolt. Steve can sense the panic rise all over again. “A soldier isn’t all you are. You’re my friend.” The erotic memory of Bucky sliding deep inside him stirs some hidden courage. “Lover.” Steve is desperately grasping for something to convince Bucky nothing that makes him Winter ever mattered, but he can’t do anything if Buck won’t let him in. Steve suddenly hurts everywhere at once. He’s still healing and the failing serum is really picking away at his strength. “What happened to you is my fault, not yours. I should have saved you back then and I didn’t.” Steve tries to reach for him again and just for a second, Buck’s resolve wavers. “I’m sorry. Come back to bed. Please.”

The brooding silence stings Steve much more than the reluctance to slip back into his waiting embrace. Buck runs his fingers through the mess of hair like he wants to push out everything he hates about himself. He sighs and slopes back between the sheets but being ready for round two is forgotten when Buck quietly cuddles up next to him. Steve can sense him tense in his arms and sleep won’t come but he holds Bucky close anyway.

Buck is constantly over-thinking everything since he got some semblance of a liberated mind back and now dark thoughts are pulling him in a hundred different directions. Even lying in the warm safety of Steve’s hug, he can’t help but focus on the only one that makes his insides heave. He’s a fucking liability. Whatever he wants in his heart doesn’t matter. Bucky knows now it’s only a matter of time before he loses it. What he has right here is the one good thing in his life, but he can’t drag Steve down with him.

Steve is up well before dawn is even a shimmer of red on the horizon. He smiles to himself. A soft and romantic thing he just can’t hold back while he watches the man he loves stretched out across his sheets with his face buried in the dip where Steve was lying. Steve knows he has to be back up to speed so he’s strong enough to help Bucky get better. He trusted Bruce to come up with something when he offered up some blood but he hasn’t heard a thing since and Steve hopes Banner isn’t stalling. He decides to spare him a quick call before Bucky wakes up.

Even in the middle of the night, Banner answers like he's expecting it.

“Steve.” The customary pleasantry isn’t even done before Steve is launching his counter.

“I know you wanted more time but I need to know if you made any progress. I gotta save him.” Steve says quietly, his heart pumping. “What you got?”

“Not much, honestly.” Bruce sighs. “And it’s you I’m worried about, Steve. You’re the one feeling it.”

“No, I know him. He’s hurting.” Steve replies. “Just got better at hiding it.”

“I understand you care for him. But between you and me, I’m not sure how much longer I can bullshit the director into thinking I’m doing the job he pays me for.”

“Just keep trying. Please.” Steve can hear the crack in his own voice. He knows Buck is slipping but he keeps quiet about the restless nights. The unbearable torment of someone he loves crying out in the dark with the memory of everything he’s done. Still not sure why he feels so guilty when Steve has told him so many times none of it was his fault.

He can’t shake the fear their time is running out and the last thing Steve wants is to trigger another thousand-yard stare. Steve slips back into bed beside him, but it’s not the same when they cuddle up together in silence. Steve mans-up to say something about their might-be relationship when he senses the warm weight that was pressed up against him slowly pull away and he sits up so fast, it makes his head swim. Steve pats blindly at the space where Bucky should be, but his hand just clenches over empty air. Not even sure he’s actually still awake until he feels his body try to drag in a breath that won’t come. Buck is sitting on the edge of the bed with his head dropped on his chest. Steve dares to run a fingertip down the dip in his back. Bucky’s shoulders hitch.

“What's the matter?”

“I don’t know. I think. I feel something. For you.” Bucky stammers out.

“I loved you first.” Steve tries to inhale it back in when he realizes his mistake. “Sorry. Stupid thing to say." Steve can't believe he actually said it but Buck doesn't even seem to register, so Steve goes for something less fatal. "Just say if you don't like me touching you so much.”

“C’mon.” Bucky finally glances back over his shoulder. “You know it’s not that.”

“Do I? What, then? Please, Buck.” Steve tilts his head. “Enlighten me. Because I gave myself to you. All of me.” He hints. Not ashamed to admit Bucky is the only one Steve would ever give it up for. “So how does it possibly look like anything else?”

Bucky sighs and starts to make for the door so fast, a stab of alarm tightens in Steve’s chest. Bucky grinds out a frustrated growl.

“You don’t understand.”

“No.” Steve stares back with a look that could drop him at ten paces. “I don’t.”

“None of it's on you, Steve. I’m the one who's gonna mess this up. I always do.” Bucky totally means that and the need to get out before he destroys everything Steve cares about is the only thing that fills his thoughts. “For both our sakes, I should go.” He dresses so quickly, all Steve can do is gaze after him. “And you know what I think?” Bucky curses himself for thinking it. Hates that he might even mean it. Steve reaches for a little spark of hope when Buck’s fingers linger a little too long on the latch and then it’s gone again just as quickly. “I shouldˈa just stayed dead.”

That hurts, but Steve doesn’t go after him and he’s not sure why. Stunned at how something that felt so good suddenly left so much emotional wreckage in its wake. He rubs at his eyes and slips back into bed but he can’t sleep. It all feels so empty and cold without Bucky snuggled next to him. Steve can only guess how long he’s been lying there - staring at the ceiling. The patter of a storm taps against his window so Steve slips on a tee and pads over to the window. It’s black as pitch out save for a single dodgy streetlight that flickers intermittently. Faint rays of golden light are mostly obscured by pelting rain, but Steve can just make out a shape on the opposite sidewalk. Hair dripping down into its eyes and piss wet through. Just gazing up at the apartment without moving. The figure is nothing more than a shadow but Steve would know that kicking silhouette anywhere.

He presses one hand flat against the glass and peers out into the night with hot tears starting in his eyes. The thought of Bucky just standing alone in the rain makes him want to cry. Steve fights with his conscience until he can’t stand it anymore. He grabs a jacket and pelts outside. Squinting until his eyes adjust to the darkness. Darting up and down the deserted street for some sign of him. But the haunting echo of raindrops dancing in the gutters is the only sound that disturbs the silence. Steve can feel his heart break all over again. Buck is gone.

It’s only hours since Bucky left but it feels like a lifetime with so much emptiness inside him and Steve can’t deal at all. His heart feels like it’s been yanked out and crushed until there’s nothing left but dust. Maybe it would have been better never to have known what it felt like to have Buck’s naked body pressed against him in the dark. He sits out on the balcony despite the cold and stares down into the street. Willing to see Buck standing under that damn streetlight again.

Bucky slowly blinks his eyes open to a stark white lab where the light is so bright, it hurts. He’s still trying to get them both to focus in the same direction when a blurry vision of someone peers down at him. Memories flood back in of a world that’s familiar in the worst way possible. He tries to make a break for it but someone whacked him so hard, he’s sick and disoriented. His mind is spinning with a hundred muddy thoughts and his head is throbbing like hell. Suspecting there’s a lump the size of Nebraska back there. The last thing he remembers is staring up at Steve’s apartment with rain dripping down his face. He struggles again but it’s clear he’s strapped down, and now the panic really grips him. Steve made him believe the Winter Soldier was just a distant memory but how could someone like him ever hope for anything else? He should never have pulled Steve into the carnage he calls a life. It only confirms what he’s always known. He just doesn’t deserve him.

“Welcome back, Sergeant Barnes.” Bucky tenses. It’s a voice he doesn’t recognize but the accent is unmistakable. “Orders to get you ready for re-programming.” The man pokes at him with clinical precision and leans in closer. “You must have really pissed someone off. You were supposed to get information, not disappear off the grid. I don’t know what happened but the stench of superhero is all over you.” Buck can almost hear the smirk. The fear of going back to the monster he used to be fills every sense with dread and Bucky recoils at the touch. “You’ve been a very naughty boy. But don’t worry.” The implication chills his blood as the world slowly fades out of existence again when something pricks at his skin. Bucky fights to stay awake. It’s hopeless, but here he is anyway. Falling yet again. Buck’s mind is still hazy but all he can think about is Steve and the pain in those perfect blue eyes before he walked away. “I’m going to make it all better.”


	16. Ready To Comply

**Ready To Comply**

Bucky feels really sick when he finally comes to. Dazed and confused. Suspecting they must have put him under again with whatever toxic shit they pumped into the only arm with a vein. It still stings like hell but that’s not why he wants to throw up. Buck knows exactly why he’s back on a slab. What he can’t wrap his head around is why his first conscious thought is all Steve and if they’ll ever get to see each other again. Bucky knows his frozen heart should be scared he cares as much as he does. Lonely thoughts filter away when he senses someone return to his side.

Minutes of torturous silence tick by as rough fingertips prod at all his sensitive bits. All Buck can do is screw his eyes shut and try to block out the bad memories. He has no choice but to let someone examine him, but he can’t bring himself to look. Haunted by the shadows of so much pain and psychological torture he endured as the Soldier.

“Ready?” Buck braces himself for excruciating agony but nothing happens, and it takes him a couple of seconds to realize the question isn’t directed at him.

“Always.” It’s loaded with intent and there’s a cruel familiarity that chills him to the core. Hydra thought their Winter Soldier could be trusted to follow orders and take down Rogers. Now their best weapon is back in custody, they won’t make that mistake again.

Bucky learned to live with the relentless cycle of extermination and stasis as the Soldier. He knows what it’s like to bury everything he ever was just to deal with the guilt that resurfaces when their control slips. Buck thinks of Steve again. The love in his eyes, the curve of a shy smile when he’s happy. The guilt is worse than death. Hydra spent years believing their precious assassin couldn’t feel a damn thing. They couldn’t be more wrong.

Everything around him is designed to trigger sensory overload. White noise and flashes of light. But nothing clicks until he realizes why he’s shivering. Buck is butt naked, humiliated and he needs a smoke.

“Quite the specimen, Sergeant Barnes.” The voice hums. In such a suggestive tone, Buck can feel his stomach clench. Calling him out on the only thing that makes him weak and threatens their hold on him. “I’m sure your Captain America thinks so.” Bucky flinches when his heart skips a beat. He can’t let them know how important Steve is to him and just stares straight ahead like he’s supposed to. That much he remembers. Forcing his mind to focus on the memory of lying next to Steve with the warmth of his body bleeding into his skin. Now nothing more than a fading vision trapped behind glassy eyes. Buck drags in a breath and curses himself for thinking he could ever have a normal life. Believing he deserves to be punished for wanting something beyond white walls and senseless annihilation. Aimlessly wondering if this is all he was ever meant to be. “You are not the Soldier I remember.” The heavy accent vibrates in the air around him but Bucky doesn’t give him the satisfaction of a response and turns his face away. He keeps his eyes closed so he can pretend he’s somewhere else. All he sees through the blackness is the image of Steve pinned beneath him, his mouth open in ecstasy.

The agent makes it clear their captive served their cause much better as a mindless compliant.

“Prep him.” Another voice commands, and Bucky’s eyes snap open in horror when he guesses what’s coming next. The torment starts before he can do anything to stop it.

“Желание.”

“No.” Bucky’s lip trembles when the fear of realization dawns. “Don’t.” This time he doesn’t want to forget. “Stop.”

“Ржавый.”

Bucky fights it with everything he has.

Steve’s a mess. He doesn’t sleep. Can’t focus on anything for more than a minute at a time and hasn’t been back to base since he shacked up with Bucky. But he needs a favor from Natasha. Steve hasn’t exactly been advertising the stars and stripes lately but he thinks she might help. Breaking Winter out trashed his squeaky-clean reputation and he can only imagine what Hydra would say if they knew he’d let their Soldier screw him.

Steve decides to bite the proverbial bullet and heads back into town. He waits in the lobby for Nat to finish training when Brock Rumlow finds him lost to absent thoughts. Something shiny is open in Steve’s hand and he’s staring so intently at it, he doesn’t even hear anyone approach until a deep voice breaks the silence.

“Cap.” Brock eyes him up and down like he’s trying to decide if he can take him. Steve doesn’t say anything at first. He’s too stressed out to engage in conversation and slides Buck’s picture back into his pocket with a sigh.

“What do you want?” Steve tries to edge away but Brock just leans in closer.

“How’s your friend?” He asks, slow and deliberate. The wicked curve of a fake smile makes Steve nervous but he has no intention of giving Buck up.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure you do.” The smile morphs into a sneer. “Your buddy. Your Bucky.” It’s a painful reminder of Buck saying the same, but this is venom designed to get a reaction. Steve doesn’t understand why Brock would care. “You never thought it strange that he just sauntered in off the street? I don’t expect someone so jacked to have an IQ over 120 but you are something else.”

“What?”  


“Hydra needed him to get inside, but you two getting your freak on wasn’t exactly what we meant.” Steve just stares at him in stunned silence. “I’m looking forward to the mission report.” Heat colors his cheeks. “Deny it all you want, Rogers. None of it matters now ˈcause he’s back where he belongs. On ice.”

“You?” Steve whispers in disbelief. “You’re the one who set him up?”

“No.” Brock smirks. “I’m the one who set _you_ up.”

“What?” Steve asks blankly. Trying to understand why one of his own is spitting so much poison at him.

“Jeez. Why is it so hard for anything to filter into that thick head?”

Steve slowly makes the connection. Just to prove him wrong.

“So, that’s how Winter knew my name in the isolation unit. But why?” Steve shakes his head. “Why me?”

“Because you’re a pain in the ass.” Brock exhales a long stream of air. “And getting weaker by the minute from what I understand. Couldn’t believe my luck when I heard your precious serum isn’t gonna last much longer. What a gift. Banner talks too much.” Brock explains. Steve knows if it’s almost the same formula, Bucky’s might be failing too. He doesn’t mention it. “I knew you couldn’t resist. One sniff of your long-lost pal and every decision you make is with your dick.”

“Leave Bucky out of it.” Steve warns. “He’s been through enough.”

“He’s got nothinˈ to do with it. This is about you, Rogers.” Rumlow throws him a glare of disdain. “It’s always been about you.”

“Me?” Steve gapes.

“No need to be so modest. Everyone knows you carry the rest of them.” All Steve can do is frown in confusion. And he doesn’t believe that’s true for a second. “Without your self-sacrificing bullshit we can drag SHIELD down in a heartbeat, and Hydra will be right there to take its place with a hundred Soldiers just like him.”

“But Buck had an order. He remembered it. Right before we - ”

Brock’s tired of playing and cuts him off.

“To sacrifice his freedom for our security, you idiot. Not his.”

Steve has so many questions, but now he knows Bucky’s in danger and it’s all that registers. He goes into combat mode without thinking. Steve rushes towards the landing bay and leaves Rumlow standing. He has to get to a copter before anyone spots him on the monitors and tries to keep him grounded. He shoves open the bay doors.

“Whoa.” Sam grabs for Steve’s arm when he almost gets knocked off his feet. “Where’s the fire?”

It takes a minute before he manages to calm Steve down enough to get any sense out of him.

“Bucky.” Steve says breathlessly. Not used to being completely washed out after a hundred-yard sprint. “They took him.”

“What? Where is he?”

“Back in the cryo-chamber, I think.” Steve is actually a lot smarter than Brock gives him credit for. “And there’s only one place I know with one of those.”

Natasha heard Steve was in the base and went looking for him.

“What the hell is going on?” Steve suddenly slumps against the wall, pale and clammy. “You’re getting worse.”

“Sˈnothing.” Steve bites back. “I’m fine.”

But he isn’t fine and the heart-wrenching torment of losing Buck a second time only makes the physical pain harder to deal with.

“No you’re not.” Nat says gently. “I understand you want to swoop in and rescue him, but you don’t have to be a hero all the time.”

“I do though, don’t I?” Steve sighs. “That’s the point.” He’s always tries to be the man America expects, but Steve’s never felt so helpless since he watched Bucky do a swan dive. “He’s my responsibility.”

“That’s not true, Steve.” Nat murmurs. Suspecting she’s completely wasting her time even trying. “But I know you believe it.”

“Why would they take him?” Sam asks. Remembering the Soldier practically handed himself over.

“Maybe ˈcause he’s the only one they have left. A prototype. I think they wanted to make more of them.”

“I told you.” Nat slaps Steve’s shoulder. “Told you they would try.”

“Well, good for you.” He doesn’t mean to snap but the thought of Buck suffering is really starting to get to him.

Sam decides to intervene before someone gets hurt.

“But why?” He frowns. “What would they want more Winter Soldiers for?”

Nat looks serious. She understands Soviet agenda better than anyone.

“Nothing good.”

Sam rests one hand on Steve’s shoulder.

“We’ll find him.”

“I just want him home. Safe.”

“Well, at least get a plan together before you go charging in half-cocked.” Nat almost smiles.

“No one else is gonna do it.” Steve replies, without a second of hesitation. “Besides. He’s worth it.” Steve will never understand why Bucky beats himself up all the time. “I’m only sorry he can’t see it. I tried to help him, Nat. I really did.”

“I know. But like I said, Steve. Maybe there’s too much damage there from all the shit he’s pulled as the Soldier.”

“So you think I should just give up on him?” Steve stares at her over his shoulder.

“Do you?”

“Never. I’m going to find him.” Steve says defiantly. “On my own, if I have to.”

“Steve - ”

“I’m going. But I need that red book, Nat.” Steve holds her gaze. “Can you get it? Please.” Steve is so desperate to save Barnes, she hasn’t the heart to refuse.

“No guarantees.”

“Thank you.”

“Oh, shut up.” Natasha shrugs. “Only time I’ve ever seen you happy is when you’re with him. Now get out of here before I change my mind.”

Steve starts to make his way down the corridor. Surprised to see Falcon suddenly walking by his side.

“What?” Sam smiles. “You think I’m gonna miss out on a free vacation? Saddle up, Cap. We’re going to Siberia.”

It’s been hours since they left headquarters and Steve’s anxiety is spiralling out of control faster than the carrier can navigate the shitty map. Visibility in a raging blizzard is terrible and GPS is practically non-existent. Steve still isn’t sure what they really want Bucky for. Scared they might already be too late to save him.

Sam reckons they’re getting close to the facility documented in the Winter Soldier file. Hydra are sketchy as hell and almost impossible to pin down but Steve swears he won’t stop looking until he finds him. Just entering Soviet air space is risky but the place looks almost abandoned. Not helped by iced over windows and unearthly silence.

Sam drops Cap to search for a landing spot and Steve hunts for Bucky relentlessly for so long he can feel the tips of his fingers go numb. It’s like minus twelve and pitch black. Steve is about to give up hope when he’s drawn to a light at the end of a dark passageway and heads towards it. Careful not to trip an alarm or fall over an agent of Hydra.

He’s shivering with cold when he finally reaches the doors to an examination room. Steve pushes gently to creak it open, his heart thumping.

And then he sees his Soldier.

Stripped down and helpless, just waiting for an order. And suddenly Steve can’t breathe. He wants to run but forces his shaking limbs to hold himself steady so Bucky doesn’t see him recoil at the sight. He’s messed up and the cybernetic arm is missing. Despite someone’s crude attempt at covering the stump with a scrap of cloth, it makes Steve’s heart ache. But something’s wrong. The way he’s just standing there hurts Steve to his very soul. He refuses to waste another second and rushes over to him without any thought for his own safety.

“Bucky.” Steve says tearfully. “What have they done to you?”

Steve smothers him in a hug but there’s not a spark of recognition. Buck’s body is so cold to the touch, it only reminds him of the bitter New York winter and the frozen tundra outside. The last time Bucky felt anything like warmth was when they were lying in each other’s arms. Steve pokes him just to get a reaction.

Nothing.

“Bucky?” Steve tries again. He’s frightened and desperate and shaking Buck so hard it makes him rattle but there’s not enough of anything behind his icy blue eyes to give Steve any hope at all. “It’s me.” Steve says softly. Hesitantly lifting one hand to cradle his face. “Can you hear me, soldier?”

Steve almost chokes when he hears the reply.

“Да. Я готов отвечить.”

Bucky says it again. This time in a language Steve can understand.

“Ready to comply.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Желание : Zhelaniye : Longing  
> Ржавый : Rzhavyy : Rusted  
> Да : Da : Yes  
> Я готов отвечить : Ya gotov otvechet : Ready to comply


	17. я люблю тебя

**я люблю тебя**

Buck is still confused and bleeding as Steve just stares helplessly at the empty shell of someone he worships with every fiber of his being. Struggling to understand how anyone could turn their Soldier back into the monster he tried so hard not to be. The cruelty of it is almost unbearable.

Steve knows the triggers are so embedded, there’s no guarantee he can snap Bucky out of mind control before they’re caught. He’s desperately close to giving up when Steve’s suddenly reminded of something Fury said when they first had Winter in custody.

 _He doesn’t do much of anything unless he’s given permission_.

“Hey?” Steve says gently. He doesn’t really expect much of a response, but he has to try something. “I want you to come with me.” The blue eyes slowly slide up but nothing else seems to register. Steve forces away the tremble in his voice when Buck stands like a frozen statue. Just waiting. “Do you understand?” Steve encourages. “You gotta come with me.” Bucky hesitates like he wants to do as he’s told but something stops him from moving at all until Steve reaches for his hand. The tips of his fingers are stiff and cold so Steve instinctively brings them up to his mouth to thaw them with the warmth of his breath. Hoping the contact might jolt something awake. His only reward is a heartbreakingly blank expression. Aimlessly wishing he’d taken the odd night class in Russian. He’s about to rethink their escape plan when Bucky unexpectedly shadows Steve as he backs away towards the light streaming in from a corridor. “That’s it, Buck. Good.” Steve smiles. “You’re doing so good.” He drowns him in little murmurs of praise and practically drags him to the exit. Chill air streams down the passageway and casts his hair in every direction.

Steve helplessly scans the surroundings with no idea what’s waiting for them in the darkness. It’s insane to throw himself into so much danger, but Steve knows why he has to save him. It’s so much more than being in love. He could never explain how he felt all those years they were apart. But even that pales into insignificance at the memory of being alone in his apartment without Buck curled up beside him. That one hurts the most.

Steve knows he can’t take that pain again and holds him still while he figures out their next move. And Bucky is just staring at him. Waiting for an order. Steve’s stomach flips every time Buck’s eyes meet his. Always reminded of the day he never said those three little words he longed to say since forever. Steve didn’t have the balls to admit it before Buck was shipped out. He might not get another chance to tell his Soldier how he feels. Something he should have done a long time ago. Steve inhales deep and dips his head to catch the frozen gaze. Not sure he can ever reach inside Winter again now he’s back under someone else’s control. Steve wishes he could have done more to help him. When he moves in closer, Steve feels a sharp exhale of air caress his face and reaches up to curl his fingers in Bucky’s hair where it hangs loose on his shoulders.

Even if they get blasted to oblivion, Steve can die happy once he’s given Buck the very last piece of his heart. He coaxes his chin up and runs the pad of one thumb across his cheek.

“I love you, James Barnes.” His voice is soft when the admission pours out to the only man who was ever meant to hear it. “And I’m not gonna leave you behind again.” Steve promises. “Not ever.” Bucky doesn’t reply but there’s a flicker of something in his eyes that might be recognition. “C’mon, Buck.” Steve squeezes his hand and some of the ice starts to melt. Steve’s affection is the only physical contact he’s had in years. “Let’s go home.”

“I really wouldn’t do that, if I were you.” The accent is strangely familiar but Steve isn’t sure why. He flicks his head to see someone standing in the doorway. It’s the only way out of the lab but Steve knows it’s their one chance to get Bucky out of there and he’s taking it. Not like it’s the first time he’s broken out a deadly weapon.

“Buck. Come.” Steve says quietly. He tries to lead him by the hand, but Bucky doesn’t move.

“Уступать, Солдат.” The Soldier straightens on instinct, always ready to comply. Steve strokes the fingers still resting in his. Scared Buck won’t be able to stop himself.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” Steve whispers desperately, pulling Bucky closer.

“I gave you an order.” The man commands.

Steve tenses out of habit despite the busted ribs when Buck slides in front of him with a wildness in his eyes that makes Steve’s heart stutter. The Soldier is primed for an attack and sizing up his mission like he’s waiting for Steve to make the first move.

He could never hurt Bucky. Steve throws down the shield.

“I’m not gonna fight you.”

There’s a second of hesitation and it’s enough for Steve to react. Dodging past Bucky and putting himself between his friend and the threat in the doorway. Prepared to defend the man he loves with his last breath if he has to. Steve doesn’t anticipate the sudden glint of a revolver. It’s trained on him.

“Who are you?” Steve has to know. Suspecting this man wants Bucky for his own twisted agenda and doesn’t give a shit about him as a human being.

“My name is Zemo.” The man replies. “Not that it is any concern of yours. But your friend has something I need, so I’ll give you a piece of advice, Captain Rogers. Don’t get in my way.”

Steve reaches for Bucky’s fingers again to guide him. He just needs to buy them enough time to make a break for it and he finds it. The accent finally clicks. Sokovia.

“So how did Hydra get someone like you to do all their dirty work?”

“Hydra.” Zemo mocks. “A bunch of mindless Nazis. Reduce them all to ash, for all I care. No. That is not where my loyalty lies.”

“Then what do you want? Bucky isn’t the man you think he is.”

Zemo glances at him. Steve can tell he doesn’t share the sentiment.

“He is nothing to me. A means to an end.”

It’s so dismissive, it gives Steve the motivation he needs.

“Well. I hate to step on your moment, but I think we’re gonna be leaving now.”

“Move, and you _will_ regret it.” Zemo tilts his weapon. Pulsing throb of a vein in his neck letting Steve know this game has gone on long enough. “Give me my Soldier.”

“Sure.” Steve replies. Sounding much braver than he feels. He’s getting weaker and every muscle is on fire. “You can have your Soldier. When you pry him from my cold, dead hands.”

Zemo just smiles. Predatory and terrifying.

“If you insist. Устранить него.”

Steve doesn’t even see it coming when a kick to the chest knocks all the breath out of him. He slams against the wall behind him and slumps against it. Covering his body with both arms just to stop the blows from raining down. He sees the Winter Soldier in his peripheral vision and Steve knows he has to try and get past the conditioning before it’s too late. Steve reaches out to touch his Bucky, eyes shining with tears. Something stirs inside the Soldier.

James Barnes suddenly remembers protecting Steve is the only thing that’s ever mattered.

Cap is dragging in gasps of air through the blinding pain in his chest when he feels someone pull him out into the frozen wasteland. Gazing up with blurry vision to see Winter standing over him. Bucky hasn’t said a word since Steve found him but he’s here by his side. It’s enough.

Falcon is still searching for a landing site and spots them from the air where he’s circling. Haunting sound of a gunshot echoing from somewhere down below him. Sam manages to navigate the blur and makes for the two figures turning white from the fresh dusting of snowflakes that cover them where they stand. Steve is limp and barely conscious but Bucky has no intention of letting him go. If he falls, then Buck is falling too.

They’re back at base by the time Steve’s eyes eventually flicker open. Drifting in and out of consciousness for the most part and now it’s Buck’s turn to deal with a sick feeling in his stomach while he watches Banner patch him up.  


Bruce dips out to fetch what he’s been working on soon as Steve is stable. Buck seems to have snapped free of whatever hold Zemo had on him and Steve needs to know what broke the connection. Taking Bucky’s hand and pressing a kiss to it with so much reverence, it stirs something in his heart.

“You saved me.” Steve forces his body up and Buck eases him forward until his arm slides to rest on his hip. Hesitant fingers slowly curl around his waist. “You know, I meant what I said back there.” Steve's cheeks are getting hot and he’s stammering through the insecurity. Winter is still disturbingly quiet and Steve needs to fill the silence with something before he dies right there. He’s scared to open up but he says it anyway. Whatever happens, he has to get it all out before his nerve bails. “I was kind of hoping you felt the same.” Bucky stares right back like he’s reaching through the haze. “Do you remember?”

Steve snuggles against Buck. Sensing his chest heave when he whispers the memory.

“я люблю тебя.” Bucky murmurs. Slinking his arm tighter around Steve’s waist to pull him close. “Stevie. I love you too, baby. I just never realized how much until I lost you.”

“You didn’t lose me.” Steve smiles and lets Buck caress him with gentle fingers. “I was right here.” Steve leans in and rubs the tips of their noses together.

“Hey.” Sam sighs. “Why don’t you two just get a room?” Steve almost forgot Falcon was even there and reluctantly pulls away. Buck’s hand is still resting on his ass.

“I want to remember, Steve. I want to remember all of it.”

“Then let me help you.” When Bucky’s fractured memory remembers Steve is the boy he’s always loved, maybe he can believe they were meant to be. Right from the beginning.

“It’s not that. I can’t trust my own mind anymore.” Buck drops his head in shame. Not sure he deserves the blind trust Steve has in him. “I knew this would happen.” He lets his vision drift over Steve’s shoulder. “You know everything Hydra put inside me is still there.”

“I know, Buck.” Steve replies quietly. Wishing he could just hold him. “But at least we got you back and Nat will do her damndest to get hold of that book. Maybe one day you’ll be free. So - ” Steve redirects. Mainly to stop himself from crying. “Miss your arm?”

“Sometimes.” Bucky’s gaze is drawn to the mangled shoulder joint no matter how much it kills him to look at it. “It’s a reminder of the Soldier.” He turns his face away. “But I hate it more ˈcause I can’t hold you like I want to.”

“Buck.” Steve melts against him. The soft affection is still there under the fragile surface. Even when Steve least expects it.

“Guess I’ll just have to make up for it with the one I still got.” Bucky breathes into Steve’s mouth and gives his butt another squeeze.

Sam is contemplating his range of options on leaving them to it when Bruce suddenly returns with the prototype of a synthetic he thinks might kick start the mutating cells in their blood. But there’s only way to know for sure.

“Here. Think I got something that might fix the super serum.”

“You have?” Steve asks hopefully, eyeing the hypodermic. Bruce must have worked on nothing else since he asked for help. “What is it?”

“Hmm.” Banner hums. “It’s complicated. But you’re in no shape to try it, Steve. Not now.” His attention slides to Bucky. “Was gonna ask you to give me an arm but it looks like I don’t need to specify. Sorry. There’s no other way to test it and I’m not entirely sure it will work. If it doesn’t boost the serum it might actually make it worse.” Steve panics when he picks up on the intention.

“Buck, no. What if it does something bad?”

“You heard what he said. There’s only one way to find out.”

“No. You don’t have to do this.”

Steve is stunned into silence when Bucky kisses him again.

“Yes I do. I don’t want to run forever, Steve. Spend my life looking over my shoulder.” Buck holds out his arm and offers up a vein. “Do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Уступать, Солдат : Ustupat', Soldat : Stand down, Soldier  
> Устранить него : Ustranit' nego : Eliminate him  
> я люблю тебя : Ya lyublyu tebya : I love you


	18. Double Jeopardy

**Double Jeopardy**

All Steve can do is hold his breath and wait while he watches the needle hover over the flesh of Buck’s arm. Anxiety only escalating when he sees Banner’s hand is shaking. The doc is usually a wall of inflexible stoicism. Green or not. But Bruce has no idea what the artificial serum will do to the Soldier - even if he survives the first shot.

“Wait.” Steve impulsively reaches out and pulls him back. “I can’t risk it. Take me instead.”  


Banner just stares at him like he must have imagined it. He hesitates.

“Risk what?” Sam asks. Suddenly appearing over his shoulder. He still doesn’t think he can trust Winter but there’s enough respect there for Cap to humor him. Bucky’s eyes never leave Steve’s face while he studies him from underneath long strands of hair.

“Losing him again.” They both stay silent. Gazes locked.

“Alright.” Sam intervenes. “You can settle your little pissing contest later. Let him do it.”

“Steve.” Bruce adds gently. “My conscience won’t let me inject you with this shit while you’re still healing.”

Steve knows he’s in no condition to let himself be pumped full of chemicals but he’s horribly torn between wanting to heal and protecting the man he loves. Bucky closes in when he senses the uncertainty.

“Let me do this, Steve. Please. You were prepared to sacrifice your shield for me.” His voice is so silky and persuasive, Steve feels himself nod in agreement. “And I’m prepared to risk my life in return if it means you get better.” For the first time in his entire life, Steve doesn’t doubt Bucky loves him. Buck takes a deep breath and holds out his arm again. “I want you to do it.” 

Banner looks to Steve for confirmation. He turns his face away and closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to watch. The room is silent as Bruce eases the tip into a vein. His body is so used to pain, the Soldier in him doesn’t even flinch.

Nothing happens at first and Bruce takes in an audible breath. But his relief is short-lived when Steve almost buckles under the dead weight that suddenly collapses against him. Steve frantically calls out Buck’s name as he eases him to the ground but he’s limp and unresponsive in his arms.

“Move.” Bruce commands, shoving Steve aside. He expected the Soldier’s body to react to the serum, but not like this. He kneels beside him and checks Bucky’s pulse out of habit. “He’s alive.” Banner whispers, looking up at Steve through the fear in his eyes. Wondering if that will still be true in the morning.

Natasha is all set to go scope out Cleveland. She’s done a bit of digging, looked into Winter’s history and reconnected with her Soviet contacts no one else knows about. There’s a solid lead and now the only purpose of her mission is to retrieve the red book for Steve so Bucky won’t ever have to go through that torment again.  


She needs to say goodbye before she leaves in case it all goes south and is just packing up a handful of supplies when she senses a presence behind her. When Nat glances over one shoulder, Rumlow is sizing her up like he’s wondering if he could take her. Something about the way he smiles makes her nervous.

“Going somewhere?” Now he’s deliberately blocking her exit and Natasha has been in the game long enough to know a threat when she sees it. So he’s the one who set Winter up. Throwing the information in for someone else to chase. And suddenly it all clicks. He needs the project notes to control the Soldier.

“You want that red book.” Nat states flatly.

“Oh, yes.” Brock’s smile fades to nothing. “I want it very much. The Soldier was sent in to break your precious Avengers apart. Seems that didn’t quite pan out.” Brock huffs a laugh. “It details all the tech stats, his triggers. I would give anything for it.”

“Anything?” Natasha asks slowly, processing the implication. She’s never seen Steve so happy since Barnes resurfaced. Maybe they both deserve a second chance to end their story right this time. “You can have the book on one condition. Leave them alone. Permanently.” Brock almost laughs, but Nat isn’t done yet. “I know where it is.”

He suddenly looks serious. It might all be bullshit but there’s enough doubt there to hold his interest.

“You’re bluffing.”

Nat can see he’s hooked and decides to go with it. She has no idea how to get out of this if she recovers the book, but she can worry about that later.

“Am I?” She stares Rumlow down. “I’ve been on it for days.” It can’t hurt to drop in a lump of bait or two. “Karpov has it.”

Nat always suspected they were played from the start, and the dark glint in Rumlow’s eyes is the only confirmation she needs.

“Does he now?”

When Bucky finally comes round, he’s not exactly thrilled to be back in the isolation unit, but this time he’s not alone. He’s still listless when he tries to sit up so Steve helps him to straighten out and calls for Banner again. Steve pushed for this, but now it’s gone to shit, he needs someone to blame.

“What happened? Didn’t you test it?”

“Yes.” Banner says dryly. “On him.”

Steve squints at him.

“Can’t you do something?”

Bruce seems to be thinking it over for a second. Looking the Soldier up and down like that’s somehow going to enlighten him. 

“The original serum gave you a superhuman healing factor, right?” Steve nods even though his expression is blank with confusion. “It might even ramp it up.” He mutters, the scientist in him on overdrive. “Both your bodies were frozen. I told you already, that’s the key.” Banner seems to be holding back and Steve isn’t really sure why. “I’m thinking maybe a shot of epinephrine would boost it.” He says doubtfully. “Trick his body into healing itself.”

“Bucky?” Steve just strokes the hair from his face while Buck shifts like he’s fixing to pass out again. “It’s your call. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I never do.” Buck kisses him hard just to prove the point.

The door slides open and Steve feels the loss soon as the warmth of Buck’s mouth is gone.

“Alright. Stop drooling.” Fury’s voice is enough to drag Steve back.

“Sir - ” He stands rigid on instinct. Steve has no idea how he can even try and justify any of this but to his amazement, he doesn’t need to say another word.

“Save it.” Fury glances at Bucky and something makes him pause. The wreck with one arm and soft smile is no longer the Soldier he remembers. Whatever has initiated the change in him, Fury would bet his last dollar it’s because of Steve. “You care for him.” It’s not a question. “Fuck only knows what shit you two have pulled lately but I might have been able to help him sooner if you’d just been honest with me.”

Steve visibly deflates with relief.

“I just couldn’t risk anyone hurting him again.” He’s not ashamed to say what comes next and when he does, Steve’s not even sorry. “I love him.”

Fury doesn’t miss the way Winter’s hand suddenly wraps around Steve’s fingers.

“I get the feeling it’s mutual.” It doesn’t slip his attention that the Soldier is watching every move he makes.

“I think I know who hurt him." Steve blurts out, suddenly remembering his conversation with Rumlow. “And I’m going to make him pay for hurting Buck.”

“Leave it.” Bucky sighs in frustration. “It’s not worth it, Steve. I’m not worth it.”

“Stop saying that.”

Fury gently pulls Steve to one side before it just gets awkward.

“Listen, Cap.” He slings one arm around Steve’s shoulders. His voice is softer than anyone has ever heard it. “If we can prove he was being controlled when he did the hits, it’s gonna help his case. He can’t be charged twice.” It gives Steve hope and he helps Buck to stand as Nat comes in to say her farewells. Keeping the clandestine meeting with Brock to herself. She always encouraged Steve to turn Bucky over to SHIELD but he’s not so much of a threat anymore. And it’s not hard for her to figure out who softened him around the edges. She smiles at them both from across the lab.

“Well.” She gives Steve a stiff hug. “I’m heading out in the morning. Not sure how this is going to go down. Let’s hope it’s worth it.” Steve knows Natasha never saw the good in Buck the way he does.

“It is. You’ve always been wrong about him.”

“I hope so, Steve. I really do.”

Steve defends Bucky without even realizing and Nat doesn’t even try to argue it anymore.

“You don’t know how much remorse he feels. I can see it in his eyes every time I look at him.”

“I know you believe that. I just don’t see it myself.”

“Yeah, well. You don’t have to hold him in the dark when he shakes.”

It stuns her into silence. It’s hard to imagine Winter wanting to be cuddled by anyone.

Nat doesn’t say much in answer and takes her leave. Still worried that Steve never makes good decisions around Bucky.

Steve finally gets enough clearance to take his Soldier home after the second shot kicks in and here they are again. His body is still wrecked and Buck is back in his bed.

Steve busies himself with menial chores as a distraction while he waits for Buck to wake up. Bucky has slept most of the day away and Steve hasn’t left him for more than a few minutes at a time just to make sure he keeps breathing. It’s not long before he’s drawn back to him. Steve settles by his side and tucks him in when Buck blinks an eye open. He’s pale and groggy but when he smiles up at Steve, all doubt fades away. A life with Buck is all he’s ever wanted.

“You okay?” Bucky just nods and yanks at Steve’s shirt to pull him closer. He hasn’t quite adapted to life without the cybernetic arm yet and doesn’t want to answer questions that can only expose weakness. “I gotta report in with an update.”

Buck just redirects instead like he wants to talk but doesn’t really know where to start.

“Why bother? I know what they think about me.”

“I doubt it.” Steve grins. “But I don’t care who we have to take on to be together. You’re here. With me. That’s all that matters.”

"Huh. They’re not going to forget how much damage I’ve done. I want to help you get Hydra, Steve.” Bucky holds his hand and it’s the best feeling in the world. “I want to take down all of them.”

“Buck. That’s not your responsibility.”

“I don’t care. They took everything from me. Years I can never get back.” Bucky says honestly. “I don’t want to sacrifice another minute.” Steve has never seen Buck look at him with so much intent. “Do you understand?” His eyes are dark when he grabs Steve by the wrist and pushes their mouths together. “If I don’t do this, I can never have the only thing I really want.” Bucky darts a nervous tongue across his bottom lip. “You.”

Steve practically melts in Bucky’s grip. He’s waited so long to hear it.

“But I’m supposed to keep you safe.”

“I managed to make it through seventy years without you.” Buck smirks back. “Besides, I gotta redeem myself somehow.”

“Why? You have nothing to prove, Buck. Nothing.”

Steve cuddles up to him and he’s so soft and warm, it stirs an almost forgotten memory.

“I know. ˈCause you're with me ˈtil the end of the line.”

“Sap.”

Buck snuggles in and closes his eyes.

"Shut up.” Nothing he manages to come up with will ever make up for everything they’ve missed. “I know why they tried to erase my memories now.” Bucky waits, dredging up enough courage to say it. “Because I still loved you.”

“Do you mean it?” Steve asks quietly. There’s a second of hesitation. Steve takes it as a stalling tactic, but it’s not that. Bucky knows whatever he says next, it’s a game changer. Steve can’t see it, but there’s the hint of a soft smile pulling at his mouth.

“Yeah.” He breathes the words into the dip of Steve’s shoulder. “I think I do.”

“I always knew it was you.” Steve replies. “Hidden behind the black eyes. I felt it, Bucky. I don’t really know how to explain it.”

“Then don’t.” Buck hushes him. “It doesn’t matter how we found each other again, we just did. Let that be enough.” Steve nods silently when Bucky drops his head to press a gentle kiss against his lips. The hand slides lower and the kiss gets more desperate as they both hum through the arousal. “It was just sex before.” Buck shrugs and Steve feels his stomach twist. "I don't want that again."

“You mean it was nothing to you?”

“That’s not what I said. Don’t do that.”

Steve is placated enough to slide in next to him and rests his head in one hand. The scars will fade in time but Steve touches the raised skin like he wants to erase them all with his fingertip. Bucky is so relaxed now, he’s murmuring something Steve doesn’t understand.

“I love when you slip into Russian.” Steve says aimlessly. “It’s just so romantic.” Suddenly panicking in case that’s a word that freaks Buck out enough to make him bolt again. He doesn’t need to worry. Bucky is already whispering the soft syllables against the bare skin of his neck. “Buck? I need to know what this is to you. What it means.” He’s silenced by a little kitten lick when Bucky shoves one knee between Steve’s legs to nudge them apart.

“It means - this time I want to make love to you.”

Steve’s eyes are shining with unshed tears but he has to be sure. If he’s going to give away his heart and soul completely, it has to be forever.

“Which Bucky am I talking to?”

“Me, Stevie.” Buck says seriously. “It’s me. I don’t ever want to be Winter again.” Bucky slides on top of him and traces more kisses down his body. He’s going to give Steve everything he needs. Trying to ignore the fear inside him that all their happiness now rests with a little red book.


	19. Hero Worship

**Hero Worship**

Steve can sense something dark in the lilt of his voice and jerks his head back so he can look in Bucky’s eyes.

“Sure you're okay?”

“Yeah.” Buck says quietly, pushing dark thoughts aside.

Steve has to force himself to catch a breath. Every emotion is consumed by the way Bucky looks at him. How gently he whispers praise against Steve’s skin. The sensation of a rough hand pawing at his body is strangely familiar and yet so unexpected all at the same time.

Steve’s not sure what Buck intends to do, but he’ll take it. All of it and more. His heart is finally at peace in knowing the man sliding between his thighs is the one he’s loved since he was ninety pounds dripping wet. The memory of Winter might fade away with time but Steve won’t let himself forget the injustice and torment he never deserved in the first place. Sympathy and love suddenly take his voice and force fresh tears to bud. Watching Buck stare up at him like that only makes Steve realize how beautiful he really is. Long hair framing pale skin and eyes like blue stars that seem to shine just for him.

Steve can’t stop himself from reaching out to touch Bucky’s hand with so much affection, the air is heavy with silent promise. Bucky stills but doesn’t say anything more when he eases Steve onto his back, lustful desire in his eyes. Buck closes them and dips his head to run the tip of a wet tongue along the inside of Steve’s thigh like he’s worshipping every single inch. It warms Steve’s skin until it feels like his whole body is on fire. The heat of every charged breath moving against him when Bucky is so close to all his sensitive bits makes him weak. Completely lost to erotic intoxication when Buck nips at the flesh with his teeth until Steve is whimpering little gasps of pleasure. It only encourages Buck to give him more until Steve is consumed by a sensory overload that leaves him almost sobbing Bucky’s name in the darkness. And everything fills his mind with blinding ecstasy when a wet mouth slides over his dick and suckles at the tip. Desperate fingers are suddenly grabbing for handfuls of dark hair and Buck just smiles around it.

He runs a skilful tongue along the shaft and elicits a tingle that threatens to make Steve spill into Bucky’s mouth before he’s even started. Buck has waited a lifetime to take Steve slowly like this and he’s going to bring him to the edge and make him beg for release before they’re done. Buck is humming sweet nothings and telling him how good he is, and Steve plays his part to perfection. Compliant to every direction Buck gives him. But this isn’t about control. Steve needs to understand this pleasure is all for him. Bucky wants nothing for himself. Not tonight.

“Close your eyes.”

“What you gonna do?”

Bucky runs his palm under Steve’s shirt and over his chest as he drags in gasps of air.

“Whatever you want.”

Steve longs to touch that mouth and let hushed words skip across his tongue. Buck shimmies closer and forces Steve to arch his back when he pushes up into a kiss that captures his lips completely. Bucky sucks at the tip of Steve’s tongue and licks inside his mouth when Steve reaches down and tugs at his shirt to ease it up and over his head. Bucky shifts to slide his hand under Steve to grab his ass. Chasing the kiss until they’re pressed so close together, Steve can feel a heartbeat pound against his chest. He splays out on his back, legs parted in invitation while Buck quickly pulls himself free and settles on his knees. He’s desperate to take him and spreads them wide. Moving over Steve’s hips so he can thrust deep. Steve lets himself be dominated and tips his head back. Giving over to the sensation of pleasure when he feels that first slick touch slip inside him.

Steve glances down through lidded eyes so he can watch. Running his tongue across the seam of his mouth in anticipation. He nervously bites at his lip.

Bucky positions himself between Steve’s thighs and rubs the tip against his hole. Every stroke drawing muffled hums of pleasure that vibrate against his skin when impatient fingers suddenly grope at the flesh of his thighs. He climbs on top of Steve and straddles the submissive body laid out just for him. Dick jerking on instinct when Steve runs a trembling hand down the sharp planes of Bucky’s chest and lets his fingertips settle at the base of his stomach.

Bucky drops a bead of spit into his hand to help him ease past the tight muscle. He’s careful. The last thing he wants is to hurt Steve, so he holds back and wipes the edge of a damp thumb along Steve’s skin. He stills just before he finally pushes in. Savoring the moment after waiting so long to feel that heat surround him now he remembers what it's like to be in love.

Steve lets Buck kiss him again when he senses the caress slink higher. Forcing his tongue into Steve’s mouth again. It takes him everything he has to stop himself slipping inside. Steve pushes against it, and the warm skin of Bucky’s stomach pins him down. There’s something so profound in the way Buck suddenly seems to be studying every curve of his face. Steve stutters in a breath and just for a fleeting second he’s that lost little boy from Brooklyn who never moved on. Steve knows only Buck would ever understand the longing he’s endured since the day they were parted. It’s all right there in his eyes.

“Promise me something.” Steve murmurs. Too caught up in the moment to stop it from spilling out.

“Anything.” Buck replies. And this time he really means it.

“That we’ll always be here. Together.” Steve pulls Buck down even though he doesn't get an answer, begging to be filled. Bucky can’t hold back any longer. He nudges Steve’s legs wider and shoves both knees up to his chest. Steve loves it when Bucky takes control. He drips masculinity. Steve impulsively flips himself over and leans forward with his chin resting on his hands, butt in the air. Steve wiggles his hips and hears Bucky make a dirty noise in the back of his throat when he takes in the divine vision edging up to meet him. Buck can’t seem to tear his gaze away and blindly grips the base of his cock.

Steve opens up for him when Bucky gently circles his hips. Humming through the pain and devouring his length in one burning slide. Bucky’s hips shake like the feeling is almost too much so Steve encourages him to move. Pushing up and drawing back just enough to make Buck throb. It ignites his arousal to breaking point and he’s overcome by the sensation. Bucky runs his hand along the middle of Steve’s back, forcing his body forward. Suddenly ramming into Steve so hard, he has to bite into his lip. Buck’s thrusts are fast and relentless and Steve can hardly focus on anything but the fire inside him. The only sound he can hear is Bucky panting while their damp skin rubs together in the dark. Bucky pounds into him without mercy and Steve is held fast. Spent and helpless beneath him. He forces Steve over onto his back again so he can watch the awe on his face when he comes. Bucky is so focused on pleasuring Steve’s body he tries to stay the stirrings that flood low in his belly but it’s impossible now all that soft perfection is pressed up against him. And the sight of Steve leaking all over himself is so erotic, Bucky just can’t control the warning rush hurtling his body to the edge of orgasm. Steve is stretched around him so tight, it triggers every need to possess.

Steve is almost delirious from his own impending release and Bucky isn’t going to last. He sinks inside him so deep, Steve can’t even take a breath. Buck hammers into him again. Managing one last thrust before he comes so hard it makes him tremble. The pain of desperate fingertips digging hard into his skin force Steve’s hips up. Sighing out a string of curses when he goes rigid and shoots all over his own stomach. Bucky finally collapses next to Steve and rests his head in the dip of one shoulder. Warm air brushing against his cheek while his heart stops pounding.

“I wanted you for so long.” Bucky whispers, but Steve is so breathless all he can do is murmur in agreement. “Since we were young. I didn’t think you would ever feel the same.”

“But that’s exactly how I felt.” Steve answers slowly. “I wanted to tell you before you got shipped out but I just didn’t know how.”  


"We’re a couple of fucking idiots, then.” Buck grins. Sliding his fingers over Steve’s skin while he snuggles into him. “I do love you.” Bucky kisses his hair and holds him like he never wants to let go. “Always have.” His voice trails off as if he’s fighting to stay awake. “Always.”

Steve smiles and settles on his side on filthy sheets with the scent of sex still clinging to him. Falling asleep to the sensation of Bucky stroking his back.

Steve is completely lost to bliss when he wakes the next morning. The sunlight is peeking through the blinds and a warm weight is pinning him to the bed. Buck has one leg hooked over Steve’s thighs and his arm is circled around his waist. Heat seeping into his naked body where their skin is pressed together.

Steve is in love with the intimacy growing between them. And the sex is better than anything he could ever conjure up in his fantasies - and he fantasized a lot. He smiles again and stretches out between the sheets when the arm around his waist slides lower. Steve’s stomach is soft and there might even be a little band of pudge where the six-pack used to be. Steve makes a broken noise and tries to brush the hand away.

“Hey. Neither of us are the men we were, Steve, and that’s not a bad thing.” Bucky caresses his skin. “And this is actually kind of cute.” Steve blushes, even though his face is hidden by shadow. The rigid muscle tone has taken a serious hit since he had to jack-in training but Buck seems to like it and that’s all that matters.

Steve closes his eyes and lets rough fingers drag over him with something that almost feels possessive, worshipful. Steve suddenly falls silent. Not sure he truly deserves so much adoration.

Back at base, Banner has been hitting overtime to try and analyse the new samples he lifted from Bucky. Focusing on the bloodwork and striving to perfect the serum in case something else surfaces that he doesn’t expect. It’s insane to go around injecting people without clinical trials or long-term testing but Steve seems desperate to fix the Soldier and he never has a logical thought when it comes to Bucky.

Fury keeps loitering in the lab under the guise of some vague supervisory capacity and Nat has been delaying the trip to Cleveland because she has no idea how to get that book without having to hand it over at gunpoint. Fury can see she’s distracted and instinct tells him something is really troubling her.

“Alright?” He offers, sliding next to her.

“No.” Natasha replies slowly. “Not really.” Fury has always been too perceptive for his own damn good and Nat could never lie to him. She takes a deep breath. “Something always bothered me about how so much information kept landing on your desk but now I’m sure it was a set-up. Steve knows who attacked Barnes.”

“The Soldier?”

Nat frowns up at him. Suddenly understanding why Steve gets so upset when everyone seems determined to ignore the fact Winter has an identity of his own. He’s made Steve so happy, she’s almost warmed to the idea of them staying together.

“His name is Bucky.”

“Sorry. Force of habit. I know you’re only trying to do right by Steve.”

“Actually, I’m more concerned we might have a traitor in our midst.”

“I’ve thought so for some time.” Fury nods. “But I can’t risk an open confrontation. Hydra are everywhere. But I’ll do what I can to help. Both of them.”

“Not that I don’t appreciate it, sir.” Natasha smiles. “But why? I got the impression you thought he was a liability.”

“I do.” Fury says honestly, tapping a finger against his eye patch. “But even I can see how Steve’s changed him.”

Fury heads back to his office and Nat tails Brock out of the building with as much secrecy as she can. They both know that red book has the formula Banner needs but she’s just gonna have to go with the one sketchy plan she has and hope Rumlow doesn’t figure out she’s got no intention of handing it over to a dick like him.  
  



	20. Helpless

**Helpless**

Steve and Bucky spend most of the morning stretched out together in bed. Cap is still on leave and takes that time to fill a few idle hours just cuddling up to Buck and exploring how that perfect body feels against hands he can’t even try to keep to himself. Bucky willingly responds to every kiss and caress, but Steve is almost too quiet, and it makes Buck wonder what’s going on inside his head. Steve has worn his heart on his sleeve from the moment he first realized Winter is the love he lost. So much brooding silence is unfamiliar in all the wrong ways.

Buck decides to bite the proverbial bullet and ask what’s wrong before the paranoia really kicks in. Fingers aimlessly drifting to Steve’s hand where it rests on his stomach.

“You okay?” Steve just hums and presses his lips together. Bucky can feel something twist inside him. He knows that look so well. The one his childhood friend always wore when he was pretending to be strong. Every second they spend together just fuels his affection and chips away at all those buried memories when he tries dragging them to the surface. His pulse is racing and his stomach drops, but Buck moves closer anyway and lifts his arm to stroke a wayward strand of hair from Steve’s face. “You always were a terrible liar.” He forces a small smile through the sick feeling of doubt. “Are you mad with me?” He hates the crack of desperation in his voice, but it seems to stir Steve from troubled thoughts.

“What? No.” Steve suddenly realizes how distant he’s been and sits up with a start. “No, Buck. It’s not that.”

“Okay.” It’s little more than a whisper but it still screams insecurity.

“Hey.” Steve reaches for him and cradles Bucky’s face in both hands. “I swear. It’s not that.”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Steve.” It’s almost imperceptible how much their bond has deepened before either of them even noticed. Bucky wants Steve more than he’s ever wanted anything, but he knows it’s only a matter of time before he screws up. Does something Steve doesn’t love him enough to forgive.

“I know.” Steve replies softly. “I was just scared you might think it was stupid.”

“Steve.” Buck tips his head. “You shafted everything you ever believed in and risked your life for a wanted assassin. Your bar’s not real high.” Steve hates it when Buck puts himself down all the time, but it still elicits a little smile and some of the sick feeling in Bucky’s gut starts to fade away.

“I know I did the right thing in trying to keep you safe, but I’ve made so many mistakes, Buck. Letting you go in the first place, not the least. I just don’t know why you think so much of me. I’m not the same man you remember.”

“But I don’t remember.” Buck sighs. “That’s the point.”

It’s not really the response Steve hopes for, but he understands.

“And we’re gonna fix that, Buck. I promise.”

Rumlow heads out of HQ with Nat trailing behind him like a shadow. She knows they’re both going in for the same thing and only one of them is likely to walk back out. Natasha isn’t so naïve that she believes Brock hasn’t been onto her since the beginning. It’s risky as all hell going after him alone but Steve is in no shape to tag along and is too completely wrapped up in Bucky to even think about anything else. Nat has no idea what to expect but doesn’t imagine she’s walking straight into a trap.

Karpov might have tried to carve out a secret life for himself in the middle of nowhere but ties to Hydra are hard to sever. Blackmail and death threats tend to be rather persuasive when agents like that know your zip code and their hooks are buried deep in everything. Vasily has guarded that project file with his life since he fled the relative safety of Russia, but he knew that fragile peace couldn’t last forever. Its contents far outweighed the risk of being discovered. Detailed notes of the serum’s effects on all the Soldiers he created. The ones who died were just collateral damage. He’s always been more interested in how Barnes managed to survive it on top of so many years locked in cryo. There’s something special about that one, and Karpov wants him. Preferably alive. The only one who never broke his control. Now he’s thrown out enough breadcrumbs to draw the Soldier right to him. His own personal assassin. Natasha has plenty of experience in being double-crossed, but even she didn’t see that one coming.

Karpov tagged her the minute she hit the state line.

Fury holds back as long as he can before he sends a message that drags Steve back to SHIELD. Nat only shared a sketchy outline of where she was headed but the director suspects it’s something to do with misguided loyalty. Steve can’t stand to leave Buck alone in bed, so he persuades him to go along. Not that Fury is entirely thrilled to see them surgically attached. Steve’s hand is twisted around Buck’s.

“I hate to drop this shit on you while you’re still on honeymoon.” He snarks. “But I can’t just sit around here with my head up my ass.” Steve frowns at him. Already guessing it must be serious to haul him all the way across town on a random text. “She never reported in.” Steve knows instinctively what he’s implying. Nat is good, but she’s not invincible. Fury thinks she must be held somewhere against her will and he needs his best agents to go in. Cap is still ranked as one of them. “Who knows what those bastards intend to do to her. l should never have let her go alone.”

“No.” Steve sighs. “If Nat’s in trouble, that’s on me.” He was the one who begged her to take on that stupid suicide mission to save Buck, and he can almost taste the guilt. “I gotta go after her.” Steve adds gently, turning to Bucky. Natasha once said their fates were linked somehow and now it looks like she might have been right. “If we don’t do something, they can make more Soldiers.” Steve warns. “They’ve done it before. Karpov needs that book just as much as we do.”

“I won’t let that happen.” Buck is determined no one else will have to suffer the same torment. Disjointed memories suddenly rushing to the surface. “I told you I wanted to get Hydra, and I meant it.” Bucky squeezes Steve’s fingers. “I’m coming with you.”

“If it all goes to shit, Hydra will never let you go again – and it’s not your fault, Steve.” Fury’s voice is softer now. “That Karpov is responsible for all of it. It was his project that turned your friend into a ruthless killer.”

Buck flinches but he doesn’t reply. The look in Steve’s eyes means none of it is actually up for debate and Fury doesn’t hesitate to mount a rescue worthy of SHIELD.

It takes them a couple of days to get Brock’s contacts to give up the hideout in Cleveland and Hawkeye takes the roof while Falcon hovers just above Bucky. Shadowing the Soldier when he breaks in the back with little consideration for the brickwork. Steve insists on leading the first offensive despite the pain he’s still in. His jaw is set in true Captain America style, dented shield at the ready. He doesn’t feel like the hero anyone needs him to be but what he lacks in conviction, Steve more than makes up for in determination.

But when they sneak down to the basement, it’s like being back in the facility in Siberia and he sees Natasha slumped in a dark corner, hands tied behind her back. Steve’s breath catches in fear but it’s not for his own safety. A man he correctly presumes to be Karpov is standing in front of Bucky with the red book spread open in his hands. He could recite those trigger words in his sleep and when Steve looks at the man he’s tried so hard to save, his heart sinks. Buck is gazing into nothingness with that familiar stare Steve has longed to forget. It only took minutes for him to be forced into submission and Steve knows he’s too late. The dark hair is messed up, his cyber arm is still missing and both shoulders are hunched over. The emptiness in his eyes only confirms the terrible realization.

He’s just done.

Karpov sees it too.

“Looks like you backed the wrong assassin, Rogers.” Vasily smirks. “He’s a killer. Monsters like him don’t deserve a happy ending.”

Steve almost chokes at how anyone can be that cruel and despite the control, Bucky’s eyes mist over. To be so close to having everything he ever wanted just to have it all ripped out from under him is like dying all over again. But worse still - Buck knows he’s right.

Steve always suspected whatever was in that damn book could control his mind, but he never imagined how much damage had been done to his body. He looks completely spent.

It gives him the motivation he needs to confront the general who took his friend away from him in the first place.

“I can’t explain how much I want to hurt you right now.” Steve lowers his head in readiness for an attack. “I don’t get why you people are so determined to ruin his life.”

“Please. Spare me your sentimental hysterics. I will never understand why you insist on risking yours for him. I erased his existence once and I can do it again.” It’s all too much, and Steve suddenly remembers the conversation with Sam and Nat in his apartment. It seems so long ago now. _History means connections_ , _memories_. _Love_. “Back off. Or I’ll make sure it takes another seventy years for you to find him again.” Steve feels sick when he looks around the room. This is what Hydra planned all along. To put him back in cryo until they get it right. Banner’s warning echoes in his head but it’s not the thought of Bucky submitting to the will of Hydra that turns his stomach. It’s what Bruce said to him about how much damage his body could realistically endure if they keep forcing him into deep freeze. _Every time they stick him in cryo it’s like playing Russian roulette_. Steve can’t remember exactly what that meant but he isn’t thinking straight and understands enough to know the next wipe might be his last. “Take the girl.” Karpov gestures. “I have no use for her. A means to an end. This is what I really want.” He strokes his hand through Bucky’s hair in a way that makes Steve nauseous again. The Soldier doesn’t even seem aware that anyone is touching him.

Steve is primed for a direct assault but no one else makes a move and it slowly dawns on him that they’re willing to give Bucky up to save Natasha.

“No.” Steve is desperate, but Falcon is already helping her up and leading her away. “You can’t just leave him here!” Steve is close to tears but the Avenger in him knows it’s the right call. Nat is one of their own and he can’t ignore that. "Sam?"

“He’s gone, Steve.” Hawkeye pulls at his arm. “Come on.”

Steve yanks his body free and calls Bucky’s name, but there’s nothing and Steve is losing control fast. He’s always been reckless when it comes to protecting Barnes, but now Steve is putting all their lives in danger and they can’t take the risk. Everything happens so fast after that, he can’t even remember being dragged out of there.

Steve is heartbroken when the team returns to New York. Without Buck.

He can’t deal with the misery of being separated from Bucky and cuts out the grainy picture of Winter from the file so he can squash it inside the compass next to Buck’s. Natasha might be safe, but Steve is inconsolable. She can’t handle the crushing guilt and avoids Steve for days. Nothing she can say will ever make up for what he’s lost. Again.

Bucky loses count of the hours - maybe even days - he’s been locked in the darkness alone. It doesn’t take long for the nightmares to return. Sometimes he imagines the pressure in his ribs is Steve’s arms around him but when he wakes up, it’s just the strap across his chest and that’s worse somehow.  
Karpov throws him a meal at the same time every day with clinical precision, but it all stays untouched. He can see how unhappy his Soldier is and that connection bothers him more than it should. He’s not supposed to feel anything and knowing the beast he created is capable of loving someone only seems to irritate him more. He can see the pain in his eyes.

Maybe it is time to wipe him again. Do it properly this time. Love is dangerous. Karpov checks his machines and makes sure Barnes is strapped down tight. And somewhere buried in the part of him that’s still Bucky, he knows Steve will soon be nothing but a distant memory. A sudden rush of emotion makes his lip tremble.

“Don’t go getting all weepy about it. Your precious captain is gone.” Karpov shoves Bucky against the restraints with a jab to his chest. “And he won’t be back.”

Bucky silently accepts what he knew all along. Steve has finally come to his senses and figured out the Winter Soldier isn’t worth the trouble. He closes his eyes and wills the nothingness to come. He wants to forget the happiness he almost had. This time Bucky doesn’t fight it when the tongue guard is forced between his teeth.


End file.
